happy christscrucifictionmas

My Horoscope

"Don't let your suspicion extend to loved ones."
What happens if those are the ones causing the suspicion?

I want to drop out of school and take on another obstacle, like reading all the books I want to read and don't have time for. I have a job, I can get insurance, why do I need to go to school if all it's for is to make money? And why do I need to make money when I can't even count it according to the curriculum?

Listening to femme rock... and I want a cigarette.

Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause I've got you to let me down.

I love that Strokes line...

I got a D in math...

Maybe the next time I'll get a C...

F to D to C.

I've been looking into plausible future and it doesn't seem so bad. Back to last night with Jen and her brother, we parked by a tree and Jen swore that there was an earthquake and I said that if there was that she and I would probably die if that huge tree fell down on us, and Mike would live. And then Jen said, "Think about it as a big hug." and I said, "I don't want to be conscious through that pain... I'd rather die peacefully like drowning." and then Mike said "What the hell!?!?"



Sometimes I think I'm just fine because I'm not hopeless to things, except sex.
In my Psych class, a nymphomaniac was identified as someone who needs/wants 6-7 orgasms a week. In that case...

My mom woke me up at quarter to seven IN THE MORNING to yell at me. Well, it was actually earlier than that because she was yelling at Nikki across the hall and then she came into my room and yelled at me for forgetting her anniversary and then not speaking to her. And I said that I'm mad at her because she thinks I drink too much. And then it ended by me saying "I'M ASLEEP RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY."

I can't believe I failed math :(

It's okay 'cause I'm still breathin' and my hands are free

Right now seems like a good time to blog? Because I have things on my mind and I don't have a light or pen at my fingertips? My head hurts right now because I had a really strong cup of black coffee at Jen's house and we smoked weed in front of this person-I-used-to-be-friends-with's house. I have no idea how to say that properly? We talked about rape and abortion and the catholic church-that-we-all-used-to-go-to's services and youth ministry perplexities.

"Do you support murdering small children?"
"Well, course they're innocent." (on the subject of priests molesting boys)

I decided against the cigarette thing. I love them, but they are expensive and ridiculous and make you sick and now I think I might be getting pinkeye from these withdrawls, if you will - physical. My mind's been floating a lot lately. The other day I smoked before I left for work and I felt sober, and then today I think I felt all lazy and out of it at work. Whatever. My coworkers invited me to go to Linbrook with them on Tuesday night, and I found out I don't work and now I don't think I want to go. I do not see the benefit of that, since I know no one and I cannot socialize?

Adam left. :( He went home for the holiday and then he'll be back for about a day and then he's moving to Portland, OR to tour with this band American Me. I'm sad that he left and now I miss him! But he's going to have a ball drumming for this band. When he was on the phone with them we all thought he was going to start crying 'cause he was all happy. It was a good two months though, in California. I want to move to Portland damnit! But they are playing a show in Canoga Park and then in Hemet in some January time.

All the pictures of Jess and Ash's house are precious. I think I see two new room mates besides Peter and Annie? I wish I could be there! My parents bought Sisyphus a cute bed that half of his body can fit on. He all loves it though and it's cute when he lays his bigass head down on the fluff. I was out till 5am last night 'cause I went to a hookah bar with Zack and JImi and their two friends and... Noel. Who is.... undesirable.

There's something about charm that is a turnoff completely.

There's something about fantasy that is amazing. I watched "Waking Life" again with Britt and Taren and they really liked it. I feel like I either missed some the last time I watched it or just noticed more this time... that is redundant. Anyway, it said something about self-awareness being seeing someone else being affected by you - their desire for you is self-awareness. So after that I start thinking about all the different friends and acquaintances, and differentiating the two with flattery and the noticeable desire of you (me) from another. Then about the whole lucid dreaming thing... I've been so interested in it and feel like I do it a lot, actually. I wonder if I could make true some fantasies... but it still won't be real. But it almost is. For instance today I was thinking about this beautiful blonde from my past who is north now and how amazing it would be to love and fuck her? Haha, silly kind of. But in my dream it was perfect, sort of. It was surreal, like most dreams. But it felt like a whole month - session - occurred in two or three seconds from the light to the middle of the road before you turn right to get to my house. That was my like mental orgasm and then I was just reveling in it, by the time I turned off my car, speechless.

God, my head hurts.

"She was true or blinded and bruised."

A similar fantasy played out, though more censored as to avoid a calcium deposit of fantastical emotional expectation. Like those little fake pimples that are just liquified tooth matter, calcium! :D *twinkle*

I have to work tomorrow and not on Tuesday and then Wednesday and then Thursday and not Friday, but Saturday and Sunday.....................

Good night I guess.

I feel more like a man when I try to dress "girly"

Like I'm wearing a costume? I just pull my hair back into a ponytail and call it a day.

If I could make this night light enough to move...

the possibilities.

I hate liars. LIving with my sister is like having a shitty room mate. I can't wait to get out of here but I don't know where to go. I've been crying all morning. No one understands me, wah ;(

It's nice to have someone to talk to, though.

I have to leave for work in an hour and I can't escape this stupid ass bullshit. I want to move out. I'm not happy at the moment, in fact I'm pretty sad.

"Romantic love is always tragic" - Pam Anderson

This has nothing to do with romantic love. But I feel my face is red and coated by tears.

"Don't wanna spend the rest of my days dreamin' yesterdays day dreams" - Descendents

"Because it's the right thing to do."

I hate the holidays... All of this family obligation bullshit. What is the point in calling my uncle to say bye when he already left hours before he said he was going to? So now it's my fault that I didn't say goodbye to them? When all they did was give me shit and dirty looks anyways? Because my hair is short and I don't talk like I live in Beverly Hills? Because their virgin eyes can't stand to see a photograph on my desktop so my sister had to lie about it to them? Give me a fucking break? You are my uncle that I never see so why do I need to change myself for you when you don't see the point in doing it for me out of respect? All there is to do is make fun of what I believe anyway, in subtle ways of course, because being responsible for something like that is out of the question, because it's just a joke anyway...

Fuck that.

Holiblaze. Holidaze.

Work. Work. Work. Imagine. Think. Regret. Repeat.

I went to a party last night with people I barely knew, and I can't remember the last time I did that. It was Bobby's birthday, and I made him a CD with Maladroit, the Descendents, Minus the Bear, and My Morning Jacket on it. I hope he likes it. I sort of want to apologize to him for being weird, if I was weird, at the party, because I knew no one and spent the majority of time out on the porch smoking cigarettes and texting on my phone. I said birthday wishes and smiles and a bowl, but then I talked mostly with Vanessa, who is really awesome, she's a Virgo. She has a great laugh like all Virgos... ahha...

God I'm so frustrated right now. Shunned. Forgotten.

But why?

Why would you throw all of this away for love? Why would you soil a perfectly Platonic relationship for something so silly and temporary, voiding it completely? Making it part of your past and not your present or future? Excluding a person just because of a flutter? It seems silly, no? Of course it would never happen, not even perfectly in your dreams, because it's so far out of reach, honesty and control and censorship could not force it. The keyword here is force. If it didn't just happen, forcing it will turn it to stone, freezing this in its own path, unchangeable like my math homework past the due date. But this is the check point. Now I can see it, and I was right all along... and that doesn't happen very often. I'd like to say fuck you as well just for the record. It's not my fault, but now I'm the fool, right? For not catching on? Please, I was right on before anyone else I presume.

Annoyed and slightly disgruntled because the blame is all mine, correct? Flattery has left the building, finally. Why love, huh? It only seems plausible to indulge in the most outrageous of circumstances... So then what is "making it work?" Why allow entrance when you can't predict the exit? Isn't that faulty planning and impulsive desire? Wishful thinking? Where did that ever get anyone besides a song or a fling for less than a year? It hurts me to think of all the change that may happen to all of us and we may not remember each other if we ran into each other. It might be a, "I know that voice!" or "I know that laugh!" I guess the same goes for tattoos, face.... It might be sad if we figure it out who it was before it's too late. I hope I never have to forget any of you, that's for sure... Love is different. Of course you will forget some aspects of love, most all besides how much you loved them. How it still caves your chest in, maybe. But friends are forever, and you can remember most, hopefully, of why it was you were friends with them, what they brought out in you, and how you complimented each other like a glass of wine with dinner. It's still love though....

Sometimes I sit here and accept the fact that I'll be alone forever, and it seems fine, you know. How else would I go to Europe for months, soul searching? China? Drive cross-country? With friends, and lovers. Why is everything so complicated? Cesar, you are here right now 'cause my mom is listening to KOL. Bailey, you are here as the unfinished pillow. Jess, you are here 'cause of my dog. Ashley you are here 'cause my lampshade is orange.

My leg hair is long woooo!
Suck my dick.

Feeling a little conservative?

Defeatism? Functionalism? Love? Lack of hope for change?

How do you get anything done? Exactly the point!

"I'm a Liberal, it's not your problem." - t.v.

I wonder if there will come a time where I'll be drinking shots of vodka before, during, or after work. Whiskey?

You know, you're all so fucking beautiful with your disgusting use of power that comes from being young and beautiful. You take advantage of people and you give and give and give, but only to receive - and when it happens you are not satisfied and when it doesn't you give up, shun, and forget. Forget but never forgive.

But it all makes sense. Is Liberalism all just a bunch of hopeful hoo-hah, individual-anulling sense of community? Isn't isolationism what the person should not do in order to expand, change. Is there really such thing as a permanent common ground? NO! Nothing, and especially no ONE is guarantee-able. Able for guarantee. People crash like computers, and you can't just be crossing your fingers for that one, and you can't just hit a little code to make it better, and you can't just right click eject it. No force stopping. So what's the point? Just to live. But wasn't birth so involuntary and unfair? Life is a miracle?

I wonder, really truly wonders what it takes to get a good lay around here. A lot more than I'm willing to reach out the effort to confirm it. Dress: nah... Hair: nah... Nails: nah... Fake Laugh: maybe... Fake interest: maybe... but we all know that makes for boring sex.

I hate sex.

Denial

I over analyze anything and every part of what you just said. I play out every possibility of every outcome in my head before I give an answer, usually. I try my best to be objective in many senses of my life... but a lot of times that isn't the case. How can you be objective when so many things have happened in a subjective light? There is no denying that subjectivity, even if you (I) don't agree with it. In fact, especially if it is disagreeable. I continue to be objective by changing the song, changing the subject, to neutrality - which doesn't exists, according to my last post. Why can't we just tell the truth? The effort to achieve subjectivity would be much easier, and objectivity would be no option.

I wonder how vague this blog really is to an outside reader. I guess you are all outsiders, really.

"So Tati, do you miss San Francisco?"
"I don't know... yes. But for different reasons than why I wanted to go there in the first place. I miss my friends."
"But you don't miss the city?"
"No, I do..."

Might as well go to Vegas, right? A cesspool of the most desperate of black and blue capitalism there is. Oh, the humanity!!!

I left my weed at Taren's. That is my mission for the day.

I feel an increasing distance - I'm not that cool anymore. Back to Coolsville, population: US!

Oblivion; I rest my case.

That usage of semicolon is incorrect.


I succeeded at making this day the most burnt-out of many in recent times. Woke up at 1, drank by 2, smoked and smoked and smoked till.... now. 1.

"Make me happy
For one moment
Of my lifetime
I'd be there"==w

My mind runs about 5 steps faster than realz timez.

I blame the rain.

I have no belief, but I believe that I'm a walking contradiction...

Hello!

I have been having lots of clouded emotions lately, and I can't tell if they are being voluntarily clouded or not... Sometimes I feel myself controlling the fog and other times there is no evidence. Um, I hung out with this guy named Bobby after our Math final and we went to the Brea Dam and smoked some weed by a creek and had nice conversations about life, drugs, music, Jack Kerouac, San Francisco, mutual friends and so on... His birthday party is on Saturday. He said I was the first person he's met in college and hung out with. Sagittarius. Skinny. Nonsmoker. Guitar player. 20.

I ran into people I've known, or know or knew at the store last night with Jen. Who by the way is leaving me, that bitchass cunt!!!! Just kidding... They were so cold but maybe it was my tunnel vision. Jen and I smoked and listened to a Historian talk about things in her car and then we went inside with our heads full of his nonsense, his lack of neutrality and his opinions. He believes that there is no such thing as neutrality... I guess I agree. Anyway, I love the person I saw, ever since the minute we talked, and I can't even remember when we were introduced or what have you... I just always remember you being there in the distance, not easily accessible in any way, but you tempt me even if you don't mean to. I"m just drawn to you, and I can't have you, so maybe that's why. Hopefully there will come a time and we can do this. Patience you know? But patience is already a part of your life, going on three years now, what an accomplishment. Me, on the other hand, may be incapable of patience in that way, hope, or security. My hands are so dry, they remind me of Ryan's hands. Except they were sexy on him, heh.

I get paid today and I'm going to leave soon to go to that antique mall at the circle and buy this jacket I saw last week. I really hope it's there.

Me and he snuggled close on the couch all night last night, barely reaching REM because of constant turning and shifting, wake ups form the tv that we didn't turn off, maybe for a reason. I think Shayna turned it off when she left. But it was so warm and nice to be next to a body. Kisses but nothing more... or less. Rubs and scratches and caresses, but nothing else.

make out
"K bye"
"K bye"

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas...

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us and we drown."

... part of the poem I'm writing the essay on. Totally quoted Bright Eyes too... this part...

"A good woman will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
And you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away"


.......


<3

Gimme, I need some more

Gimme Gimme Gimme, don't ask what for...

---

That's a Dirty Projectors song, that I like I guess.


---

I honestly don't know what to say in here. I feel very frustrated and unable to do anything I'm supposed to do, which isn't all that much... I need to write an essay by 7pm tomorrow. Study for Botany and Human Sexuality and Math, I have all those finals on Wednesday. So scratch math, really, 'cause how can you study for that and how am I going to pass? The other two are easy. Essay is easy, and my English final is next week and will be so easy!

Easy Peezy... SF is calling me in so many ways...

This place is pushing me out like an infected splinter.

... And when was the last time you did something wrong, oh rationality?

Waking up early for work on the weekends is pretty damn horrible. I really hate it. But I like it better than working nights.

I have been procrastinating all of my school work. I hope I do good...

I register for next semester on Monday.

I believe I will be requesting off days for SF. I'm thinking 30-2. Short and sweet 'cause I have to work. I was thinking yesterday (or I don't know what day it was) that someone from SF always accompanies us down here and then we go up there right after, so we wend up staying extra long with them :) Whoever it may be.

Long-distance connecting works better when you don't have to see or deal or understand or do.

Flesh-to-face connecting works better instantaneously and is gratifiable (not a word, I guess. Haha awesome).

Uhm.

I have to leave in three minutes. I would like a cigarette. I should bring food to work. I didn't yesterday and I only had milk and toast in my tummy till about 3pm where I ate about two pounds of pasta and then more toast with avocado and then chocolate milk and lots of green tea. I sound like an angry vegan.

Speaking of angry vegans, Jen's BF socked his room mate in the face because his room mate called his mom a whore. HAHAHAHAHHA. <3da>

This is my third entry and I don't know how I'm feeling.

I feel very awake and conscious... even though I'm stoned. In fact I want to get mo stoned.

I don't know what I want to write right now because of that. Um, but I feel like I want to write something. I am drinking chocolate milk.

Shayna wants to go to SF for new years... I'm down... what would we (meaning everyone) do? I don't know but it'll be fun. I want to bring the doggy but at the same time that could be a huge fucking hassle.

I hate stating how I feel because it always turns out to be the opposite and I'm just projecting. I feel warm and fuzzy lately but for really strange reasons. The fire is burning for all of this and all of you but it's out of anger and love... rageful (not a word) love? Revengeful? Vindictive? Hopeful? Toxic? Stupid? It's giving me heart burn fo sho.

I've been imaginative lately, playing out all these conversations and scenarios with all the people I wish were in my life, or I could talk to. And a lot of my inhibitions have been confirmed as false, misunderstandings and communications and such. Time is passing. School is almost out and I am fucking stoked. Next semester I'm planning on taking painting again and figure drawing and philosophy (I don't remember the class but it's with this one teacher I;ve had before and I love him) and yoga. Sounds like fun + health insurance + time to save money.

My mind can't travel far right now. I feel like a lot of things that I am frustrated about are just a waste of time. They are. Bailey I can't wait to fucking see you! I miss you a lot...

I feel so conflicted about shit! I feel like all this not-wanting-to-be-mad-at-stuff-I'm-obviously-mad-about and choose not to express it because of the time wasting makes me numb... or tolerant? or apathetic?

"I'll write you to let you know that I'm alright, can't say I'm sad to see you go, 'cause I'm not."

so we just take it back

Standin' up to your waste/waist in your river.

Hopes: some language I don't even know how to speak.

Yet I'm writing a paper, conversing, listening to music, and thinking and writing in here. Hopeful, no? Even a little bit? I can't think right now. Lately at Never Say Neverland, the Lost Kids have been speechless around the fire. With out hopeful imaginary enhancers we have nothing, we are no one, and we just have nothing to say.

I feel over-stimulated by all this punctuation and capitalization at the moment... it's tiring me out like sexism does.

"I must be made of steel, for I just threw out the love of my dreams" - Weezer

Here I am in my backyard, two beers deep, mid bowl and pre-cig.

For some reason I feel pathetic at the moment? But I shouldn't 'cause that's lame. I guess I haven't been to myself in a while. Ever since about 3pm yesterday, I've been sad. I was happy for the days prior, maybe even weeks. But I feel like I'm slipping... I've been getting stabbed in the back lately in the most subtle of ways, and I'm afraid I'm just too raw to eat right now, I should rest for a time on a different plate before serving. Blood, all over my face and delicate garnishes surrounding me.

Sis is outside with me. He's eating.

There's something about ridding guilt from your life. Is that not what conscience is?

I want to go nextdoor and ask if they want to be friends. Who know, maybe they smoke weed?

"Hey. I live next door, want to be friends? Do you smoke weed?"

hahaha.... wow

There's like half a poem in my head that I've been wanting to write since last Wednesday.

My sister and I split a Xanax today and smoked weed while we shopped.

This year was different. The holiday.

Usually we pre-buy everything days in advanc and the house is like crazy. But last night I went out and my mom didn't care that I could be hung over for Thanksgiving and get mad or whatever. She said nothing. So I woke up at noon today, and last year I'm pretty sure I was woken up at eight. I don't know. My sister and I just got high at the start and then bought everything at the last minute. Then my grandpa wasn't feeling good, so instead of having dinner at our house, we took it to his house, and he didn't even eat with us because he was feeling sick. He's at the hospital I think now.

So Nikki and I rushed the fuck out after dinner, and after a deep nap before hand. Dinner was bland. I was pissed off constantly today. We left, smoked, got cigarettes, smoked. I was on my way to Taren's when she called me and told me to turn around basically. Whatev. I was excited to bring them pie and drink and smoke.... or was it just drinking and smoking and leaving?

I should smoke a cig before my parents come home. Sis is smelling the urrrr.

I have been text messaging random people in my phone since I came home finally. I don't know what I'm supposed to do 'til I fall asleep. I had my heart on getting drunk and sleeping on the couch. Now that my expectations were spoiled, I am frazzled and saddened (I though it was saddended). I just wanna hear your sweet little voice, happy. I can feel your nasty little voice, saddened.

I'm laughing so hard nothing's coming out. In fact I can't control my limbs or walk straight or think straight.

For ever stupid thing I did to myself or for myself... for every stupid thing I've said. I often times find myself creating a hand gun out of my hand, pulling the trigger and blowing my head off. Lightly, of course... but I mostly do it when I'm by myself. You know, middle and pointer and thumb out, the others curled... POW!

By myself

Indecisions...

"I know that I know nothing." - Socrates

Want to enable me?

I wanna fall in love tonight.

I'm just trying to speed up this whole living thing because of people like you.

I feel like so much has happened and I don't even know where to start! I feel backed up. I saw this one writer, Tim Wise, talk at school last Wednesday about racism in the age of Obama, and the white privilege. He was very funny and smart and I would like to have bought one of his books but I had no money, as usual. But I did get twenty-five bucks today because my grandpa saves his change and gives it to me and Nikki.

What else. Let's see. I'm happy kind of. I'm disappointed in certain people lately, but that's just because of my unruly expectations and it doesn't change the way I care about them, I just get blown away sometimes. You can't say that you don't judge someone when you feel that you are "surrounded by stupidity," when you are around them, and therefore not hang out with them, but in turn say that they are cool and you like them. I would call that judgement, yes? Because I have some friends who I do not support their decisions and not necessarily agree with them about things, but I don't judge them on their "stupidity" and relieve myself from their presence - because they are my friend and I love them and somewhere in there I can tolerate their flaws. Of course, there are people who you just don't have a connection with and they are not your friend; fun is fun and everyone has flaws. Of course when my friend is being a dumb bitch and I can't stand it, I will let them know how I feel about it...

Say no to government control.

Say hello to the complacent closed mind.

Say goodbye to coincidental tragedies due to dishonesty.

And good to the day ?

...but at night it's a whole 'nother story...

slippin' south

How appropriate...

Fleet Foxes came on as I read your blog, Bailey. That's pretty intense about the twins, does the little girl know about it? I think it would depend on that... I mean sometimes I feel like an only child because my sister and I are so different and rarely hang out together, but with out her I don't know what I'd do, honestly. I guess you could say that I take her for granted, which usually comes with a negative connotation, but I feel maybe that is the one person you are allowed to? No... It's hard to say that I was born with an automatic companion because there has always been interchanging of power and situational authority, meaning fights. As we've gotten older they have become less frequent. Wait, maybe not. I rest assured that is it because we are too alike. I often wonder if we'd ever be friends if we weren't sisters. 75% of me says no, but the other 25% is hope... Anyway, I don't think it's crazy to think that she may have an empty spot for them in her mind or heart, knowing or unknowing. Makes sense. It would make even more sense to say that if they died after being introduced... damn.

Another night of snuggles I don't know what to do with. My horoscope keeps saying to open my lines of communication with this person, but sadly I have absolutely no idea how to go about that besides smiling and condoning. But if I do, the rewards will be amazing, supposedly. I'm working on it.

"ME AND TATI DID NOT HAVE SEX!"

"We didn't?"

"Well, if we did I must've been fucking terrible."

"Shit, I must've been asleep..."

Cuddle Fuddle

Then you applauded
When I was loving
Made me feel weak and
I start recovering
Now I feel silly
Selfish and dizzy
Now I got this feeling
That you'll forgive me

Maybe this song defines my morning... I got a call the other night from and old friend, we decided to meet for coffee this morning, so I left a warm bed and body side to attend, only to be blown off, forgotten. Loves it. Why just call to say I miss you and we SHOULD hang out soon? Why don't we do it and stop talking about it? Who knows man...

Ceeesar can't wait to see you in a few hourz.

A blank mind... A mindful confrontation with a good friend turned out quite beneficial... sometimes it's good to worry and let others know. Otherwise, how would they know you love them? Another, somewhat passive but sadistic confrontation last night, "I love you and you know it so just shut the fuck up." God, what the hell is wrong with me! haha...

Cuddle Fuddle

"I saw your eyes earlier and I'm sorry."

It's pretty amusing sometimes to see someone so in awe of themselves (theirself is not a word).

The term hubris has been embedded in my thoughts lately. Hubris in short: challenging laws to result in protagonist's downfall; outrageous pride; public and private actions of the powerful and the rich; extreme arrogance. I don't know, I looked it up on wikipedia so I very well could have just pulled it out of my ass. Doesn't sound very good. It's good but glorious, it's a consequence-driven existence. But I see someone who exceeds this hubris as glorious indeed, as a celebrity like Amy Whinehouse or Axl Rose or Sid Vicious, someone who is in no need of teaching or guidance, because they are the all knowing of the era... the glorious heroine addict deceiving the world of their happiness and taking their anger and sadness out on everyone else but in the most creative and beautiful way, you may not even notice it. In the sense of art, hubris is intended because the artist and the poet have an eye that no one else has... they have a means for easy expression that the rest of the world is not dubbed with. So with that, the rest of us are fucked.

"I am a cocky mother fucker and it works for me."

Alright. Enter: pedestal.

But I see a very negative side to hubris. In a sense of sister or brother or humanhood or whatever one wants to call it, hubris can intentionally harm these Platonic relationships with perhaps temporarily achieving happiness, making an exception for oneself in the process, and then suffering madly. When really, why deny that all we are doing right now is fucking suffering? So wouldn't denying something so blatantly obvious be silly in the first place? Foolish? Ill-considered? Denying that something bad exists is oblivious and ignorant. So I guess I am saying that hubris is inescapable and a part of every radical in past or present existence and if used wisely and good then it will prevail... but why does it seem that evil prevails all? In the sense of Social Darwinism the fittest will survive and that most definitly does not mean that the good will survive. The deceiving and the flattering and the lying will win.

I just think it's fucked up.

And when someone around me lets their figurative dick hang about slappin' over all the beers and singing pubic hairs in the fire I laugh inside just a little bit. Secretly wanting to video tape and then play back for them what they said at on point in their lives. But that would just be revengeful. Which is evil.

Predictability

Premeditations.

Note to self: maybe this is why i don't tell people ANYTHING because they never decide to take it into consideration. even that one person who you think would never betray. my mouth is kept shut for all. fuck you all.

On a lighter note, it would be silly of me to expect anything. Therefore I am right exactly where I left myself. The timer will just keep going and it will explode when the time is right. I just don't know when that time will be. It may be never.

Psycho bitch who thinks too much needs to get over herself.

I am... I'm just disappointed is all. Fuck it, let's go camping and drink and get over it and talk about everything else.

I have a Xanax in my purse, a controlled substance. I can't tell when I want to take it. Maybe Monday for school... That shit is starting to get on my nerves because it just reminds me of heroine addicts. Instant bubble of consciousness and agreeability, five different surface-scraping conversations at once, eye contact is nonexistent.

Feelings mean nothing man, we all just want to fuck each other and there's nothing wrong with that. Tati you are the untouchable one. How in the fucking hell did I get awarded that position? Fuck you all. I pretty much take back what I said about superficial friendships, I was just a little deceived for a day or two.

"...well as for now I'm going to hear the saddest songs and sit around and wonder how you're making out."

I'll be right here when you're ready honey.

I really like this guy BUT HE'S STILL A GUY. Damnit I hate when I have crushes on people but at the same time I really love it. Let's just forget about it! Forget about it man, it'll happen.

Hey, must be a devil between us, or whores in my bed.

Taking a break... had a drunken night, came home the next morning and did some homework.

UH! said the man to the lady...

UH! said the lady to the man she adored!

and the whore's like a fire UHUH! ALL NIGHT!

and Mary ain't you tired?

It's sunny and yellow outside.

Rando S.L.

Right now I feel a little smokey hang over, woke up with blurry vision and blurry thoughts with a scattered itinerary for the day. Still nothing much has been done. I mean I said hi to puppy, fed him, praised him, put my laundry away, listened to music. And it's still morning, which is good, but only for another hour. By the end of the day I need to finish my entire lab write-up (FUCK) and go to the math lab to do at least 80% on my math homework... I've already completed 44%. It doesn't sound like much but it is! At the moment I have no idea where to start, except by smoking a bowl and then starting. That's a silly start seeing as I am already hung over and SO INTO THIS MUSIC that I can't stop now... I need to let it take me somewhere far away for just a little bit so when I come back to this place I feel a little better...

But this music isn't even mine. It isn't even music to some people. It's just one of my distant friend's band and I think they are SO GOOD! I feel like they've been my favorite band forever. But they all just think of me as a random band slut who wants to fuck them. Which may be true, but who cares? That's what I hate about artists sometimes... they are so pretentious and can't appreciate appreciation. Or sometimes they get it confused with other things. I can't fully explain at the moment because I don't care to. I don't REALLY care that they may think that I'm silly for wanting to go to their shows and support their shitty band, but I really do. I appreciate it so much! But they're just a band and it'll be over in a few years, if that. It just reminds me of little things like poetry on Thursdays... Good things go bad after a while. After a random slut comes and fucks it up and exploits it. It's okay, I'll just appreciate it on my own and no one will ever understand. Like always.

I'm most likely not going camping this weekend anymore because I'm sick. It sucks... but this weekend is unfolding out to be not a very good weekend to go away for. I have homework and such that I have been neglecting. I keep having this one person on my mind and it makes my heart palpitate, which makes me think of Brett, which makes me anxious, which makes it worse. I think of Brett because when we broke up he had heart palpitations and such... anxiety... acceptance... reluctance... It scares me when I think about how close we were for that time, but how much we really didn't know each other, and how much wasn't said. What a gap it left for me. When we broke up I felt more empty than I ever have before, even after having a snippet of fulfillment.

Bailey, I remember the process of your outage (?) and the many many hugs and talks we shared. The many questions we asked rhetorically, all the laughs and sobs and anger and angst and bottomless bottles and blunts. I miss you so much! You are so beautiful and radiant... imagine what the city was like with out you or us - not the same AT ALL. I'm so glad we got to experience it together for the first time... and I wish I had something to give you for your birthday, but I don't. I will though, it'll just be really late and when I see it I'll automatically know that it's for you! I remember your birthday last year and throwing up in my bed and waking Vicki up HAHAHAHA...

I don't know what else to say.

Taren's a great poet and I've been reading her poems and I really love them... they would morph well into songs. Self-expression is an amazing thing that not many people know how to do. It is also a very pointless way of dealing with this pointless existence.

Nothing fucking matters. And if the world really is going to end in a couple years, what are we all doing wasting our time going to school and work? It's stupid. Why don't we all just quit everything and hop a train to New York, and once we're there hop a boat to the other side? It's really not that preposterous.

"I was young enough, I still believed in war"

"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." - Plato

Just doing some homework. I retook my online test and got a 94 YAY! I think that is the second A I've gotten all semester... sweet. My ears are plugged up. My throat hurts a little bit. After I write this small paper I'm off to school to study and go to the math lab.

settled with mediocrity... is that bad? I guess in some aspects it can be, it just depends on what part of your life is mediocre. Health should be higher than mediocre, material wealth should be mediocre, happiness should be higher, apathy for others negative thoughts should be at a mediocre level - that really doesn't make sense, but you know what I'm sayin' right...

I'm busy rockin' out... haha

No Subject

I am getting sick, damnit.

My nose is stuffy and my skin hurts. My hair follicles hurt. My throat hurts and my joints hurt. But I feel better when Sis insists on sleeping on my floor and all my stuff circulates my bed, stepping on pillows and cracking CD cases just to go to the bathroom or whatever.

I had an interesting dream last night. There is this woman at work who is so pretty... she has long black hair and pretty eyes and pale skin... She transferred here from Livermore! ... to live with her boyfriend. Haha, but she's really hot and the girl in my dream totally resembled her plus this other hottie from my Botany class who has long black hair too, but olive skin and brown eyes... and a boyfriend, haha.

A hot shower will feel nice.

I need to get some wheat grass and such before we head over to my friend's class to study for the test on Wednesday. FUCK I HAVE AN ONLINE TEST TO TAKE I MUST CHECK

Hi my name is Queen B and I only befriend people who I am superior to!

Bailey, I'm sorry about your bike...

Last night me and Taren and Shayna drove to San Diego to see Music For Animals, and it was pretty fun. Their set was ridiculously short, but we got to tell them that we love them and they told us about a show at El Rio on the 21... I really want to go up and make a turnaround trip, but I need to save money. I completely forgot about Christmas presents... just for my mom, dad, sister, and grandpa. Who knows what I'll get them.

I feel like I have a lot to write but I don't know where to begin.

School is stressing me out... I can either take it easy for another year to move out or I can bust my ass and move out sooner... both are appealing and for different reasons. Sometimes I think too much and I daydream about things that will never ever happen. I have a crush on a boy. I don't have school on Monday. I have to study for a test on Wednesday. I have a paper to write for Tuesday. I have math homework to do. I have to work Sunday too.

To the title/subject: I feel like I have a wholesome support group at the moment... I remember when I first moved back I felt so alone and... alone. There are people around now that give me fluffy warmth and equality and feedback and interest and open mindedness and respect and trust (for now)... something maybe I haven't felt in a while. The superficial in relationships at the moment is at an all time low, and it makes me happy. So, I'm happy that I don't have to be dealing with false friends and vicious facetiousness and manipulation and tests; or maybe my paranoia has died down a bit. I feel a little fried at the moment, I feel like I've been getting drunk a lot and smoking too many cigarettes (damnit) and weed of course. I love weed...

Those people just said my name and they know about me and are talking about me but I don't know who they are or why they are doing this. Why does anyone care that much?

Only the right side of my face is breaking out.

I bought new shoes.

I started my period meaning I won't have it when we go camping (yes).

My hands are so dry from this wind and such.

My brain and heart are mush.

I don't know what else.

Oh, I got made fun of for being bi... and then I became legitimately upset :/

mush

It's the month of Scorpio!

So happy days to all of my beloved. I think only one reads this haha so it doesn't matter at all... Along with everything else.

Nothing matters in a sing-song kind of way. Anything can happen, good or bad, and you'll have to deal with it somehow, because running away just creates a larger burden on everyone. In a way you can respect someone for leaving their small town or family or what have you, for any reason, but in another way you have to question it... Why are you running away and from what? What are you afraid of and what are you expecting to be different here or there? It's all the same, but you - you are different. You are aware and analytic. You can change but be the same in almost every way. The things that happened to you as a child create you whether you want to accept that or not - the things that happen to you or didn't happen, the words people said, the actions that contradicted them, and the unfairness of learning and being forced to accept and follow. What is the significance of a blood relative? Are you obligated to care for them for that one reason? What if you have nothing else in common with them or anything else besides blood? Why do you have to care? Why are they a burden to you? So leave, feel no guilt, and expand. When that gets boring, leave, feel no guilt, and expand. But what if they come knocking on your door one day: you're twice removed second cousin that you grew up with? Your conscience might obligate you with free rent to this person - your burden. The burden of connectivity and forced "love."

Does blood really run deeper than water? Even though everything needs water, but not everything needs blood?

Is it just a coincidence that you were born with this person into the same blood line? The same uterus at the same time, for that matter? Is it all just chance? This burden of expectation of care for this person, no matter the distance. What is that pull, that guilt, from the absence of connection or acknowledgment of this privilege of something great if nurtured? Is there a gap? Why do we fight and refuse even if it can be good? Why do we jump to run away under assumption that no one understands...

... because no one really understands anything about you - only you. We are born alone and we die alone. It is the level of happiness we acquire through out life that can calm us down for periods of years at a time maybe. Six years here with him, four here with her, ten on and off with the both of them... it takes up our time and distracts us from thinking about death. The longer we prolong perhaps the harder it will come down, so we must be prepared for the worst by prolonging fake or superficial happiness, for the dark eternity awarded to us in the end.

If I wanted a show I'd go pay for one.

There might be nothing more that makes my insides curl and twist and my vomit creep up my throat than fake people, who will draw more lines to elevate themselves than to be honest even if that means taking a step down - not to acknowledge one's own wrongness, but for plain honesty!

WHAT A CONCEPT!

Hally Happoween!

"The search for answers is not a comfort-seeking ritual, but becomes instead a desperate, obsessive self-destructive quest that makes you feel like at least you're trying now." - From "Kids Like Caty" - This statement agrees with me... it helps me relax just a little bit.

Today is a huge day for some people, but for me it feels like yesterday, which feels like two weeks ago, which feels like last year. I'm on the closing shift tonight - maybe after I will go to T's and do some coke? Haha, I was offered last night and declined but today is an evil day to some, so why not act as devilishly as possible for the sake of holiday cheer?

This weekend was bunk - I did not try my hardest to study on my 4 days off - instead, I walked my doggie a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I sort of wish I didn't but yesterday I woke up feeling depressed. I woke, fed Sisyphus and pat him on the head, then I returned to my bed with the goal of staying submerged, undressed, and unshowered for as long as possible. It didn't work because some little voice inside me told me to suck it up and that I really wasn't depressed but extremely lazy and angsty. So I got up and took him to the park for a little stroll alongside trails by a "river" smelling of bleach and waste. The day before we went to the "Bark Park" for the first time. As a new parent, I was quite protective of Sis running around with out a leash and with out my supervision, but as I scanned the park, it wasn't so big and all the other dogs were off leashes joyfully prancing and smelling asses, so I let him have it.

Then this dog entered the gates with a rather douche bag-looking owner with a blonde afro (in a bad way) and I'm assuming Tevas (Bailey I'll give him yo number next time I see him). Sis went up to greet the damn thing when it decided to be territorial of the PUBLIC DOG PARK and start a fight with Sis! Silent and covering my eyes, I finally got up to stand next to douche and watch the fight closely. His dog started it. HE bit Sisyphus in the mouth!!!! :( but Sis stood his ground and let loose his enormous bark that sounds far away even when you are close to him, and the dogs gave it a rest. Like a weirdo I said, "Sisyphus! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" and he came over! I almost started laughing but instead I started crying (haha) as Sis came back to our little home base under a tree, and sat down, exhausted, from all the recent excitement. I lay my head down on his shoulders and let a few tears of relief seep out for Taren's entertainment. Poor Sissy... Sometimes I worry about his obedience and what level my dominance should be regulated at, but it's very minute. He's a bit stubborn and has very selective hearing, but he might listen when he feels like your request is appropriate. I think Sisyphus and Apollo could be pals :)

As of now I have two and a half hours before I have to leave for work. Should I mope, or should I apply to schools? Should I walk the dog? I could do all of them if I stop writing right now... but I feel a flow. Now it is time to pinch the hose.

....

"And we could have all this," she said. "And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible."

"What did you say?"

"I said we could have everything."

"No, we can't."

"We can have the whole world."

"No, we can't."

"We can go everywhere."

"No, we can't. It isn't ours any more."

"It's ours."

"No, it isn't. And once they take it away, you never get it back."

"But they haven't taken it away."

"We'll wait and see."

-"Hills Like White Elephants" by Ernest Hemingway

What do you know?

This has been a really fun and amazing and relaxed past week. I skipped school Tuesday night and all day Wednesday to pay a visit to San Francisco. Drove up with some friends to stay with some friends, party with some friends. I was thoroughly high as fuck that whole time, and it was very peaceful and not stressful at all. There was a bit of tension between someone and I, but it was because I was having a problem with them, and it was just something that did not need to be confronted through another, and something that will not be leaving any time soon. It made me think of Social Darwinism. Sorry, I can't walk slow as you can't walk fast, and I'm thinner than your chubby, I don't know what to say... and I have just the same amount of freedom to figuratively kick a pigeon out of my way (I would never actually kick a pigeon...) as you do! So in your adult mind, please reevaluate your head shaking to my bird fluttering as an innocent and carefree action, not a dominance trip or an abusive I-really-want-to-harm-this-pigeon action. So don't treat me like I'm a kid atcho daycare and shake your head at me and actually tell me not to kick the pigeon. Like, I know not to kick the pigeon. Fuck.

See how minor that is? I had an amazing time seeing Jess and Ash and Apollo who looks SO MINIATURE to me now that I have a big beastly gentle giant puppy dawg. It was fun seeing Cesar's place and his room mates. His room mates seem pretty cool, but they are so weird! But it all makes sense, like he seems to fit in with them and their living situation. I don't know what to say about it though. He has a huge room with plenty of space for a week-long sleepover! Bailey's new place is pretty sweet as well... It all makes me want to move back in the spring. I have to start applying for schools. Maybe I will when I'm done with this paper. And then I have to go to school to go to the math lab and then I have to read and write.

I have some things to do, not a lot of things, but what order to do them in? What is my priority for the day? I still have to take Sisyphus out for a walk.

What to do.

Oh yeah, and Tegan and Sara last night were SO GOOOD! They sounded pretty amazing, and they were so grateful for their crowd, thankful, and adorable and funny and what not. The place was flooded with a whole bunch of dykey girls who need to go up to SF.

Ugh

Out of respect, I must wear nicer clothes to go to the cemetery. My Saves the Day shirt to me is appropriate for such an occasion, but my mom got mad. Today is the two-year anniversary of my mom's mom death. We're going to her grave and then going to lunch. Whenever we do this I'm always fucking depressed for the rest of the day, and it'll just get worse. I'll be dwelling on this at work, watch. Plus the other thing.

But I accumulated a puppy from some friends who were looking to give it a home. His name is Sisyphus and he is a great dane and he's fucking cute as hell! I took him for a walk today and last night he took me for a drag when he got scared. Imagine a cartoon: girl walking a dog twice her size, dog gets scared of something that no one else heard, freaks out and runs in the opposite direction, tripping the girl with the leash who then falls to the ground and scratches her elbows and knees, while he wines and comes back for a pat. RIDIC.

Almost ready. Sometimes something isn't enough for someone.

More, more, more, more, gimme gimme. Me first!

If we could only see us now...

"Aries are dramatic... you're kind of dramatic" - I sooo beg to differ. This is coming from a Libra, see...

My horoscope today: "Your love life has your head spinning at the moment. While you have some wonderful opportunities to transform your life in a positive way, you are a little afraid to make the commitments needed to take things to the next level. It will be an enjoyable dilemma though"

Good advice, I guess. I got pretty drunk last night off Simpler TImes ;p

Then I slept on the couch.

Then I left in the morning.

I've been inclined to listen to Thrice for some reason. Can't wait for SF...

"The words of the dead ring in our ears,
but its only a lie.
The voice in your head brings you to tears,
but you don't know why.
The words of the dead ring in our ears,
but its only a lie.
The voice in your head brings you to tears,
but its only a lie,
yes, its only a lie,
...isn't it?"

I dunno

Insanity excused, reimbursed with gifts, no apologies; just bad memories. It's too late for, "I just want you to be happy."

uncorrectable.

"you were outta my league at a distance i didn't wanna see"

Hey, want to be friends?

Oh yes, find me again on Myspace! Bailey, I don't know your email address so I can't add you... haha.

Why? Because my old boss found me on facebook and it gave me a creepy feeling and I just don't care about half those people I haven't talked to since high school and probably never even talked to them while we attended. Yes, that's the best excuse I could come up with.

I think I will thoroughly enjoy music today.

But I have no money, no weed, no love, no care... but I will enjoy that and keep my head out of the gutter, 'cause that's where it's been going lately. Though I am surprised my PMS window was not used to full capacity and I wasn't a HUGE bitch like usual. Plugged up like a broken faucet and excreting those pheromones to all who can tell: Hey, I'm single want to get married? ;)

Snugglin' with Snuggie.

It's a beautiful gloomy day in the neighborhood, and it's actually under 70 degrees. I layered today and it made me nostalgic, thinking about that one time we head out to Geary for something cool to eat, get rained on automatically, can't find the bus stop, and end up eating at a place almost identical to one right down the street - DERRRRRRR. Also thought about the shivering walks home, mist in face, head in clouds, and the pain in my ears and nose from the cold wind. Now look at me, with a motherfuckin' Snuggie, eating two dinners and free show!

and I want to walk around with you.... just you just you just you just you, SF. How I miss thee in times of need... a friend in need is a friend indeed... this is full of cliches, I think I can keep going.

Clap! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! Today is asymmetrical! And tomorrow will be full, a checklist is needed. Oh yeah... Tegan and Sarah October 26. Suck it PAHLEAAASE!

New Post

I hung out with Carly, Jen, Brittany, and Rochelle for like an hour at Starbucks. It was cool getting to see Carly, though nothing is ever new it seems. I feel like there is a lot of new going on for me right now, but there is so much of it and it's so NEW and I have to adapt to it and get used to it, it feels familiar. I haven't felt this way since I first got my license or something. But nothing like that is happening, everything is just changing so rapidly. I have to start applying for schools and today I had a vision that I just wont, and I'm not going to...

I feel that this "struggle" with my sexuality and such is more consuming that I thought. I feel that I can tell people that I'm bi, and that's the way it is. I probably don't have to go so far to even say that, but it makes me feel better. I feel asexual sometimes, and I've been celibate for a while, like more than a couple months. I feel like I've gone longer than anyone I know right now without some beautiful connection with someone. I feel a little empty sometimes, but so passionate and hopeful that it is just covered up, and it becomes needed and not wanted. I feel like I am wanting it so much lately that I'm beginning (since when does beginning have two n's???) to need it. Is it okay for me to tell them that I think about them at least once every day? Is it okay that I fall in love like once a day? No, it's not. Is it okay for me to pursue these withstanding moments in time, hoping that they might continue in a different direction through space so I can take a new perspective and expand my horizon with another mind and with love and lust? No. Psycho bitch. I can't even tell you how much I think about you.

Something to fill my head for a moment because nothing else is ever enough. I'm writing nothing and searching for content for my life constantly full of just stuff. I can't because I do not know. I can't because I'd have no where to go.

Peeps

I love when people will talk and talk about what they think they know about, even when they don't. Like when they sit to philosophize about obvious things, oxymorons and such. But how am I to know if they really don't know what they are talking about - if and only if they are talking about something I happen to know about, and it is frankly incorrect. Excessive talking and advocacy are signs of guilt or disobedience to oneself - excessive being the term, of course talking and advocacy are necessary - also flattery. Some people are compassionless and do not have a guilty conscience, pushing down their wrongdoings or contradictory actions and words and opinions from one sentence to the next, hiding their vulnerability and passive aggressive nature. Lying is also present in the demeanor. I remember going so far as to not lie about any one thing, at all, to ensure myself a positive place, but people don't like that. People are used to being lied to or fucked over so they misinterpret an honest person as lame or substance-less. Sometimes lying to someone else can be funny, but it's also a superficial kind of funny. Because think about all the other funny things that are happening, yet you chose to spotlight your and maybe one other person of your choice's significance to society and/or importance, intelligence...

I have also noticed somewhat recently the gilded race with marijuana. There are some people out there who identify themselves with the fact that they like to get hiigh and smoke weed, meaning, to an innocent victim of this new lifestyle, that the age old stoner knows much more than this little kid will ever know. It's a race to see who can smoke the most and get the least high, in some cases. When I find myself around people like that it makes me very uncomfortable, and slips me into the nodding, and saying "Yeah..." every once in a while, so they can spill their importance and I can sit their and ignore it, because I feel like I've heard it a thousand times. And all those people who say they have their life figured out are the ones who are the most lost... the ones who get angry at someone who questions them and their life choices are the ones that have no clue behind what it is they are doing.

"Doubt no the one who argues, but the one who dodges." - i forget

Arrogance is ignorance. Ignorance is bliss.

Everyone is a sociopath.

Or is it me that is? To an extent everyone is... but the pitying of ignorance and realization of motives, the observation of others and analyzation of actions and not words, are what lead me to judge in that way. I like to think that i feel empathy for others, even if they are the epitome of a hypocritical Christian and Orange Countian, and they have no relativity to offer the other. The game of chase is immature and quite pointless, so I'm just not going to play. I'll just continue doing what I was doing which was nothing...

Do I even want to get into that at all?

Someone from San Francisco emailed me and said they miss our stoney friendship, haha cute.

Do I deserve?

you're working hard on a life your own

three square meals and a place to call home

but you keep gettin' lost

each time you walk out your front door

You'll never guess what I'm doing right now.

Well, you probably would, actually.

My Uncle Butch in Louisville, Kentucky, the one who still participates in that grotesque, paranoia-infested, hate group sent me an email today which had an attachment and the subject of the email was "Archaeology." I didn't open it because I'm scared of what the possibilities are, but I think I'll open it later. Today is a free day! I have some homework to do and other things to catch up on, but I see the wind blowing today as a sign that I should just relax, that the time will come to me as it did on Tuesday. The shutters and blinds are hitting each other with each gust and I keep thinking that someone is entering the house and then I remember that it's just the wind this time.

Last night that one anti-depressant commercial came on. The one with the lady and the perfect family and the wind-up doll that she keeps by her side. And when she's sad, the doll is sad and won't move, and when she's "happy" it will wind up and have a smile and walk all proudly. It's kind of a weird commercial. It said one may have depression if they experience memory loss and such. Then we started talking about how if you were depressed and you suffered memory loss, what if you forgot like every day that you were depressed, and that was the cycle? So, you'd be on these pills because you've been diagnosed and then you forget one day why you feel so numb and you can't figure it out until you remember that you are clinically depressed or someone reminds you, and then fall down under again. Every time!

Then Taren started making fun of the lady ha ha, and called her stupid for being depressed and not getting over it because she has this happy family - complete with dog and green grass and little Johnny Jr. But what if she's trapped in the marriage and you can't see that her husband is actually beating her or the child, or is an alcoholic or something? What if she's actually being selfless in sticking around for the sake of her kid or her side of the family or SOMETHING and that's why she's depressed, cause she's trapped in something she can't deal with on her own?

Sometimes I like commercials way better than the actual TV shows I'm watching because they are shorter and keep my attention span, and if they are funny or interesting or ignorant or really sad then it intrigues me. So then this other awesome commercial came on. It was an advertisement for KY Touch (lube) and there was this dormant Asian couple laying in this bed together, talking about the significance and positive results of this lube and then the wife got all embarrassed and hit him a little, and he giggled and said, "So loud..." then she smiled and they both started smiling or something. Then it went to explain the statistic of women who say it enhances their pleasure a billion times over and that every woman should buy it... then they show the couple again, heads on each other's shoulders, both sighing an orgasmic relief. There was a female moan at the closing of the commercial and it was so awesome! We all agreed because it's rare that a sexual enhancement commercial is based solely around the woman's pleasure.

I feel like I've been pretty patient lately... but not patient enough. It hasn't been over a year. And I was writing yesterday and realized that Liz was the last one to actually take the time to make me come and make sure of it! Besides that one time... But that's a little depressing to me. Especially since lately I've been attracted to men and want to have sex with a man, and the girl thing is on the back burner. Men, man. Niki is leaving on Saturday I think, and lately she's been telling me the problems she's been having with her significant other, and absolutely everything she's told me describes Joe, but I hesitated to illuminate that connection for some reason... Because maybe I'm ashamed and and should have known and again, it's all my fault.

It's still her fault, how could she think that a guy would want a blow job and if he didn't want it then how could she think that he would just say no? That's all she did, and it's still all her fault. His actions and his words to others take all consideration, and the blow job was the start of it all. If she wasn't such a slut and didn't give him a blow job, his poor mind wouldn't undergo all this shit and lead him to act delinquently. Stupid girl.

There was a poem on my car today...

SHY ANNE

fell from the sky from a

garbage can

she hit the ground with a new

kind of plan

to finish the story that she

never began

won't you hold my hand,

Shy Anne?

Feeling very dull and sad and ugly and unnecessary and unproductive and kind of pathetic... ha ha

I have this protrusion on the right nostril of my nose. Yes, like a big disgusting pimple that draws nothing but confused and uncomfortable glances, haha. My nose is beat ass red and is swollen from the inside out. The right nostril is significantly deformed and is very painful! Owie... I got antibiotics for it, and was given the warm compress solution, and I was recommended Airbourne. Which is such bullshit because that shit has been proven to be, well, shit. Anyways, I feel smaller and sad because of the pain and I feel insecure about it because I know it is not pretty at all to look at, and it fucking hurts really bad - "disfiguring acne"

"I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn't understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go..."

-Ham on Rye - Charles Bukowski

I had plans to go away for days, to try and risk a pace that haunts my days...

it never stops...

I am taking notes to start my essay tomorrow. It's due Tuesday, so I have all day tomorrow, Monday after 3, and then all day Tuesday before class at 7. I did procrastinate a bit... it's okay though.

I have to start applying for schools, I thought briefly today about the University of La Verne.

"Just give 'em half." - South Park

I have work at three. I think I will take a nap before I go. Just wanted to check with all your blurry faces.

Myotonia.

All this reading about sexual responses and anatomy is making me a little bit lonely... ha ha. I've been very pissy and bitchy and emotional lately. Today I got a headache and bought some weed. Taren's plant is beautiful. Niki drove my car on the way back and I got to smoke.

I went to the dentist today. A teeth cleaning costs $110... that is so ridiculous. I go back next week.

I have to do a project tomorrow with someone from class.

Saturday I work 3-10.

Sunday I read and write that damn essay.

I think we are coming up to SF Ocober 14- 19 or something. A Wednesday to Saturday. Then again in November. It shall be grand.

"This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun"

I've forgotten how to fall asleep.

My nose is stuffy, my bum is stuffy, my head is so stuffy...

My thought process, stuffy.

The only thing I can think to do that is safe is listen to music. Everything else seems too dangerous... I used to like to be dangerous, in fact I still do. I want someone to live dangerously with. It's an effort, or is it? Is it impulse, or spontaneity? Restlessness?

...there is nothin' you can't do, these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you... hahahhaha.........

WELCOME TO THE MELTIN' POT

It's hot today.

My horoscope's been calling for a Gemini in my life. I briefly talked to one today, just a quick hello. There have never been too many of them at one time in my life, but when they are there it seems that they play such a huge role, their friendship is so much fun and very consuming. Of course there are waves, but they are never too proud to cease contact for the most part; they most definitely are proud, though very vulnerable and sometimes weak.

I've got a well-fed Leo, and I got two Sag's around... both of whom I am utterly sick of. Leo's are such loyal friends... selfish, but who isn't? At least they don't try to cover it up like many other signs out there... like Virgo - christ - or Sag. There is one Aries floating in and out, one who I'd like to get closer with 'cause I've never really befriended an Aries guy before, besides Dylan, but that was Summer fun, and fun it definitely was!

I got my period today, finally. I've been waiting and waiting in tender pain for it to come and be over with. I woke up this morning two hours later than I wanted to, went to the Math Lab to do a total of maybe ten problems before my hour and a half was up :/ and then went to the library to begin research on my essay. Wow, I could not get the balls rolling. Then I left and someone wrote on my fucking window (HEY TATI! LOL HEY!) in the dirt, damn them, now I have to wash my fucking car. But I probably wont. I bet you anything the person I think did it really did it. Lameasshole.

There is a show tonight that I want to go to, probably wont since everyone's a pooper.

SUCH POOOOPERS

I have nothing else to complain about.

I really shouldn't be doing this...

I should be studying. But I really can't study. I have no excuse really... But fuck man. I just can't study. I strongly feel that it is stupid to be required to take math and science when it may have nothing to do with your major. Like really. All these terms and shit and formulas and whatnot do not apply to my major, or my job after my major. It makes me sad to think that I will do poorly in these classes because I simply cannot get myself to be interested in motherfucking algebra or the science behind plants. Don't get me wrong, I love plants and all... but all the terms just seem a bit unnecessary for me to MEMORIZE. Mow :(

The internet is distracting me and giving me a headache! And I will cover it up in the morning with coffee and my eyes are burning right now but I can't sleep. But when I close them it feels so nice and I think well maybe I'll be able to this time. But then my stomach starts to arbitrarily grumble even though I had food, and a good amount of it to prevent a grumbling tummy. But HelloOWOOO what is up at the moment? All I can seem to focus on is tomorrow. Today is over but it's not ready to be over and I am forcing it to be over.

Ew my friend just described the "real world" as working for a living. It's sad... that that is the "truth," but it's really so far from the ultimate truth...

Is it not ignorant to ask, "How can you live your life in such ignorance?"

Just to document this still moment of apathy and confirmed expectations.

Saying that I am the one in charge would jinx this situation. In simpler terms, what we have/had is amazing. Quiet voices circling the same questions in a dark room preventing any real eye contact. Beer and smoke to cover our pure sweetness. I can just tell, alright? Isn't that enough? Tonight was the last time. Honest. I feel very strongly about this... I am going to instal some updates.

My first day of work was so HOO-RAH it made me sick to my stomach.

2-10 tomorrow. I can feel the pressure...

It's hard to concentrate at the moment.

There is really no point to anything at all...

"If I am going to be drowned - if I am going to be drowned - if I am going to be drowned, why, in the name of the seven mad gods, who rule the sea, was I allowed to come thus far and contemplate sand and trees? Was I brought here merely to have my nose dragged away as I was about to nibble the sacred cheese of life?" - Stephen Crane

It's humid today, an uncomfortable, worthless-to-shower sort of day. I left the house at 12:30 and arrived back three hours later. Now all of a sudden my mom is coming home from work and the day is about to end, and the night begin. I start work tomorrow, I am dreading it so very much. I feel very annoyed and untrustworthy today, I guess not different from any other day, minus the annoyed part. Today's just a lame day. The sky is pretty, though.

That'll be the day...

I wanna go back to sleep...

I am currently rediscovering "In Reverie" by Saves the Day and "The Moon and Antarctica" by Modest Mouse. I lost my original CD of that album which makes me really really sad, because all the shit available for download on the internet is the remastered album which is bullshit. My copy was the purple one, with the shaking hands, this one is the baby blue one... Remastered is so disgusting, but this album is beautiful.

I have nothing to do today besides go to class at 7. This weekend was very long. I think it's kind of sad that I reach a point in the night where I am quite alright with not remembering anything else. The fact that I was there where I was was good enough for me, whether conscious or not. I find that sad. I am not a puppet and am not just a figure in the background. I need to stop doing that, the gash on my arm is not a cool scar and if it is to some people, then I have nothing to say... I have a death wish. I am reading this book of quotations called "And Then She Said..." It's good.

"Troubles, like babies, grow larger with nursing." - Lady Caroline Holland

"...I have found life to be incredibly theatrical and theatre to be profoundly lifeless." - Beah Richards

Does anybody know a way that a body could get away?

Oh my god, I had a horribly vivid dream last night. I woke up sad and confused, my stomach hurts. There is one spot on the right that is pulling and tearing, rhythmically. Of course then for breakfast I ate something that was guaranteed to make it worse. I miss him so much... This quote helps me rationalize for a few moments at a time.

"We must find our duties in what comes to us, not in what might have been." - George Eliot

...i wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me.... i wanna look out the window of my color tv.....

Yay for xanax

The cure for all social anxiety... NOT. But really, for me, it helped, especially last night. I told myself I wouldn't put myself in that situation ever again, and there the fuck I was at some weirdo party with all these weirdo people. I had a good time though, I got to kiss a lot of hot people. Hot meaning hot, not necessarily to the core ifjaknow what I'm sayin'.

"You're wasted, aren't you?" - me

"Fine, I am." - him

Dahaa is all I have to say. It's been a good weekend so far, today is the last day.

Dirty low class slut

I guess my tongue is tied to the starry sky tonight...

My eyes are openin' up to you.

Last night was reckless!

There were so many beautiful people around last night and I was too gone to mingle. My mouth gets shut and then I look at one thing and then I forget. Preoccupied.

...all I can do is remember you.

And then I say, "Ah, fuck it."

Bowlee Bowlee Bowlee

bowl-eh

It is really hot outside, but with the window down and the breeze goin' it's not so bad. Today I smoked before I went to my Psych class, then I had to take a quiz in science, then I had to take a quiz in math. Damn.

At least I don't go to school on Monday.

By Tuesday I need to write an essay, read a book, math homework, and complete a psychology online test. I can do one a day that's not so bad. Why did I write all this in here?

I want a piercing and another tattoo. On my foot again, and in my ear again. teehee

Warmth

Can't heat symbolize love and hate? I feel the warmth coming from this side, and then extreme heat coming from another side. I like the warmth though, I want to turn it up so it feels better like actual light. I feel warmth more than I feel extreme heat, no matter how hot it is outside. A perfect 75-80 degrees.

I feel warmth and constant hunger for adventure. I feel good things more than bad things. I feel excited for whatever and I feel pleased for the most part. To bad that means something is just waiting to happen, meaning something is a-brewing as I type this, and the only thing I should do is await it patiently and be prepared for anything at all to disrupt this "routine" I have going at the moment. Today was a study day and so was yesterday.

Band of Horses was so awesome live (awesome used to mea horrible), and their new stuff sounds really fucking sweet. I think I like them better live, and I was expecting them to suck. What a mindset, going to a show expecting them to suck and maybe running into an enemy.

I had a dream that I went to Ireland with a lover and I saw Mr. Harrison there. I remember being scared because we were driving up this really steep and narrow hillside, with beautiful greenery everywhere, but no trees. Just hillsides of meadows and grass and bushes, but the car was driving way too fast and too crazy, getting too close to the edge. I remember covering my eyes and getting mad at the driver. Then we went to this lake or fishing area and Diana's two kids fell in and I jumped in and saved them ha ha. I remember seeing Mr. Harrison and telling someone and then ignoring him and being scared. We stayed in a hostile or a really old house that was white and wooden. It was so beautiful. It was like Ireland and France put together.

Tonight I hung out with a really cool person. I like to hang out with them, but half the time I couldn't tell you if I believed everything that came out of their mouth, or if I could trust them thoroughly. I guess that goes for everyone. Nevertheless, it was a peaceful night as it usually is, open doors and windows and toppled walls. Could it be superficial? I feel that it could be in the end, but it's not. I feel like I'd just rather. I feel like boundaries are set firmly, but subject to change... not in a sexual sense, but like old times. Every time it becomes less and less different and more familiar. I read something about familiar and another word that started with an F and it was interesting... it sucks that I really should read things twice each time because my head is only half-focusing most of the time, and I am in a completely different place or time.

Touch is comforting. It's just what you do to comfort and I feel the warmth, to me that is more genuine than any other action or words. Comfort is scary and materialistic and manufactured and created by the Greeks who some would say also created homosexuality....

From "Irrational Man"...

-"to philosophize is to learn to die..."

-contrast between doing and knowing

I think I should start reading a fiction story alongside this text of some sort.

SURPRISE!

What a mystery the internet is... page after endless paperless page, instant access, gratification, all your dreams, just a click away. It's like cable television. Anonymity.

I keep having these flashbacks of my life in San Francisco. It seems so far away. I keep thinking about the 29 stop on Ocean and Lee... Ingleside... The K and the T. The M. The flustered days and crazy nights. The comfort of going home to no one but me. The longing for unconditional love, and the gentle touch I took for granted. The trust that changed because I didn't trust myself...

"The world moves faster than I knew, not fast enough to not creep up on you"

You used to be alright... what happened?

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Being Responsible...

It's weird how slow time goes by when you're not worried about it. I always think that some sort of project will take much more time than it really needs, and when I'm not worrying about it it goes by faster as I utilize the time.

Right now I'm in the library at school. I left the math lab after an hour and completing my homework with an 85%. I decided to stop there because the tutors were not helpful at all. I ask for help, and they look at me. They explain nothing. LAME. I wish I got paid to sit in an air-conditioned room and "tutor" people. Bitches. Annoyed, but settled with mediocrity, what else is new?

I am supposed to read this short story but my book is still being delivered. It is too long to read on the computer and makes my eyes hurt. So I look for it in the library and they don't have it. Cool. I like how Fullerton spent like eleven million on this brand new library after tearing the old one down. I remember hearing last year when I went here that they had to get rid of a lot of books 'cause not all of them would fit in the new one. That makes no sense to me...

I woke up at seven in the morning.

I have menstrual cramps. My lower abdomen is bloated.

My hair is greasy and smelly and messy.

My shirt has a yellow paint spot in the middle of it when I painted a still life.

This crazy old man patriot in a wheelchair came up to me when I was sitting on the edge of a planter (after exiting the men's restroom 'cause I couldn't find the women's and was going to piss myself) and asked me why I was sitting there, and not more comfortably on a chair with a table, which was right in front of me? I laughed and said I was just sending this text message and then heading off to the library anyway. He said, "Have fun!" And then wheeled away into the men's restroom with his little American flag blowing in the wind behind him.

Now that THAT'S over....

Personal pretensions arise...

I feel a shifting of priorities. Last night was so reckless.

Creeping, lingering. I can be so naive sometimes. I feel like an episode will return in timelessness... Meaning I'll be having to plan each and every step I take not to disrupt the order? The one who interrupts with spontaneity will be the savior. Until then, I've got plans.

What if I had a disease that I had no idea about? I'm fucking starving but nothing sounds delicious right now. The only thing that sounds good is my sister coming home so I can leave with my car. She had a job interview today in Long Beach at some practice... lucky bitch!

I read some short stories this morning and did some math problems for a record 36 minutes before getting distracted.

-

"you're floating in between the waking world and a landscape of dreams" - saves the day

-

From Irrational Man:

"A recognition of limits, of boundaries, may be the only thing that prevents power from a dizzy collapse."

"Faith is an abyss that engulfs the rational nature of man."

"The human soul evolves like everything else in nature."

-idea of psychic containment (religion)

-iconoclasm

-externalization: "Journalism has become a great god of the period, and gods have a way of ruthlessly and demonically taking over their servitors."

-the great threat and great promise of modern life

-capitalism severs man from the earth

Whoa, my phone just got a billion text messages at once because I had to change telefonos.

Hunger pains, the hunger for love then pain, hunger for touch.