I have no belief, but I believe that I'm a walking contradiction...

Hello!

I have been having lots of clouded emotions lately, and I can't tell if they are being voluntarily clouded or not... Sometimes I feel myself controlling the fog and other times there is no evidence. Um, I hung out with this guy named Bobby after our Math final and we went to the Brea Dam and smoked some weed by a creek and had nice conversations about life, drugs, music, Jack Kerouac, San Francisco, mutual friends and so on... His birthday party is on Saturday. He said I was the first person he's met in college and hung out with. Sagittarius. Skinny. Nonsmoker. Guitar player. 20.

I ran into people I've known, or know or knew at the store last night with Jen. Who by the way is leaving me, that bitchass cunt!!!! Just kidding... They were so cold but maybe it was my tunnel vision. Jen and I smoked and listened to a Historian talk about things in her car and then we went inside with our heads full of his nonsense, his lack of neutrality and his opinions. He believes that there is no such thing as neutrality... I guess I agree. Anyway, I love the person I saw, ever since the minute we talked, and I can't even remember when we were introduced or what have you... I just always remember you being there in the distance, not easily accessible in any way, but you tempt me even if you don't mean to. I"m just drawn to you, and I can't have you, so maybe that's why. Hopefully there will come a time and we can do this. Patience you know? But patience is already a part of your life, going on three years now, what an accomplishment. Me, on the other hand, may be incapable of patience in that way, hope, or security. My hands are so dry, they remind me of Ryan's hands. Except they were sexy on him, heh.

I get paid today and I'm going to leave soon to go to that antique mall at the circle and buy this jacket I saw last week. I really hope it's there.

Me and he snuggled close on the couch all night last night, barely reaching REM because of constant turning and shifting, wake ups form the tv that we didn't turn off, maybe for a reason. I think Shayna turned it off when she left. But it was so warm and nice to be next to a body. Kisses but nothing more... or less. Rubs and scratches and caresses, but nothing else.

make out
"K bye"
"K bye"