"I must be made of steel, for I just threw out the love of my dreams" - Weezer

Here I am in my backyard, two beers deep, mid bowl and pre-cig.

For some reason I feel pathetic at the moment? But I shouldn't 'cause that's lame. I guess I haven't been to myself in a while. Ever since about 3pm yesterday, I've been sad. I was happy for the days prior, maybe even weeks. But I feel like I'm slipping... I've been getting stabbed in the back lately in the most subtle of ways, and I'm afraid I'm just too raw to eat right now, I should rest for a time on a different plate before serving. Blood, all over my face and delicate garnishes surrounding me.

Sis is outside with me. He's eating.

There's something about ridding guilt from your life. Is that not what conscience is?

I want to go nextdoor and ask if they want to be friends. Who know, maybe they smoke weed?

"Hey. I live next door, want to be friends? Do you smoke weed?"

hahaha.... wow

There's like half a poem in my head that I've been wanting to write since last Wednesday.

My sister and I split a Xanax today and smoked weed while we shopped.

This year was different. The holiday.

Usually we pre-buy everything days in advanc and the house is like crazy. But last night I went out and my mom didn't care that I could be hung over for Thanksgiving and get mad or whatever. She said nothing. So I woke up at noon today, and last year I'm pretty sure I was woken up at eight. I don't know. My sister and I just got high at the start and then bought everything at the last minute. Then my grandpa wasn't feeling good, so instead of having dinner at our house, we took it to his house, and he didn't even eat with us because he was feeling sick. He's at the hospital I think now.

So Nikki and I rushed the fuck out after dinner, and after a deep nap before hand. Dinner was bland. I was pissed off constantly today. We left, smoked, got cigarettes, smoked. I was on my way to Taren's when she called me and told me to turn around basically. Whatev. I was excited to bring them pie and drink and smoke.... or was it just drinking and smoking and leaving?

I should smoke a cig before my parents come home. Sis is smelling the urrrr.

I have been text messaging random people in my phone since I came home finally. I don't know what I'm supposed to do 'til I fall asleep. I had my heart on getting drunk and sleeping on the couch. Now that my expectations were spoiled, I am frazzled and saddened (I though it was saddended). I just wanna hear your sweet little voice, happy. I can feel your nasty little voice, saddened.

I'm laughing so hard nothing's coming out. In fact I can't control my limbs or walk straight or think straight.

For ever stupid thing I did to myself or for myself... for every stupid thing I've said. I often times find myself creating a hand gun out of my hand, pulling the trigger and blowing my head off. Lightly, of course... but I mostly do it when I'm by myself. You know, middle and pointer and thumb out, the others curled... POW!