Standin' up to your waste/waist in your river.

Hopes: some language I don't even know how to speak.

Yet I'm writing a paper, conversing, listening to music, and thinking and writing in here. Hopeful, no? Even a little bit? I can't think right now. Lately at Never Say Neverland, the Lost Kids have been speechless around the fire. With out hopeful imaginary enhancers we have nothing, we are no one, and we just have nothing to say.

I feel over-stimulated by all this punctuation and capitalization at the moment... it's tiring me out like sexism does.

"I must be made of steel, for I just threw out the love of my dreams" - Weezer

Here I am in my backyard, two beers deep, mid bowl and pre-cig.

For some reason I feel pathetic at the moment? But I shouldn't 'cause that's lame. I guess I haven't been to myself in a while. Ever since about 3pm yesterday, I've been sad. I was happy for the days prior, maybe even weeks. But I feel like I'm slipping... I've been getting stabbed in the back lately in the most subtle of ways, and I'm afraid I'm just too raw to eat right now, I should rest for a time on a different plate before serving. Blood, all over my face and delicate garnishes surrounding me.

Sis is outside with me. He's eating.

There's something about ridding guilt from your life. Is that not what conscience is?

I want to go nextdoor and ask if they want to be friends. Who know, maybe they smoke weed?

"Hey. I live next door, want to be friends? Do you smoke weed?"

hahaha.... wow

There's like half a poem in my head that I've been wanting to write since last Wednesday.

My sister and I split a Xanax today and smoked weed while we shopped.

This year was different. The holiday.

Usually we pre-buy everything days in advanc and the house is like crazy. But last night I went out and my mom didn't care that I could be hung over for Thanksgiving and get mad or whatever. She said nothing. So I woke up at noon today, and last year I'm pretty sure I was woken up at eight. I don't know. My sister and I just got high at the start and then bought everything at the last minute. Then my grandpa wasn't feeling good, so instead of having dinner at our house, we took it to his house, and he didn't even eat with us because he was feeling sick. He's at the hospital I think now.

So Nikki and I rushed the fuck out after dinner, and after a deep nap before hand. Dinner was bland. I was pissed off constantly today. We left, smoked, got cigarettes, smoked. I was on my way to Taren's when she called me and told me to turn around basically. Whatev. I was excited to bring them pie and drink and smoke.... or was it just drinking and smoking and leaving?

I should smoke a cig before my parents come home. Sis is smelling the urrrr.

I have been text messaging random people in my phone since I came home finally. I don't know what I'm supposed to do 'til I fall asleep. I had my heart on getting drunk and sleeping on the couch. Now that my expectations were spoiled, I am frazzled and saddened (I though it was saddended). I just wanna hear your sweet little voice, happy. I can feel your nasty little voice, saddened.

I'm laughing so hard nothing's coming out. In fact I can't control my limbs or walk straight or think straight.

For ever stupid thing I did to myself or for myself... for every stupid thing I've said. I often times find myself creating a hand gun out of my hand, pulling the trigger and blowing my head off. Lightly, of course... but I mostly do it when I'm by myself. You know, middle and pointer and thumb out, the others curled... POW!

By myself

Indecisions...

"I know that I know nothing." - Socrates

Want to enable me?

I wanna fall in love tonight.

I'm just trying to speed up this whole living thing because of people like you.

I feel like so much has happened and I don't even know where to start! I feel backed up. I saw this one writer, Tim Wise, talk at school last Wednesday about racism in the age of Obama, and the white privilege. He was very funny and smart and I would like to have bought one of his books but I had no money, as usual. But I did get twenty-five bucks today because my grandpa saves his change and gives it to me and Nikki.

What else. Let's see. I'm happy kind of. I'm disappointed in certain people lately, but that's just because of my unruly expectations and it doesn't change the way I care about them, I just get blown away sometimes. You can't say that you don't judge someone when you feel that you are "surrounded by stupidity," when you are around them, and therefore not hang out with them, but in turn say that they are cool and you like them. I would call that judgement, yes? Because I have some friends who I do not support their decisions and not necessarily agree with them about things, but I don't judge them on their "stupidity" and relieve myself from their presence - because they are my friend and I love them and somewhere in there I can tolerate their flaws. Of course, there are people who you just don't have a connection with and they are not your friend; fun is fun and everyone has flaws. Of course when my friend is being a dumb bitch and I can't stand it, I will let them know how I feel about it...

Say no to government control.

Say hello to the complacent closed mind.

Say goodbye to coincidental tragedies due to dishonesty.

And good to the day ?

...but at night it's a whole 'nother story...

slippin' south

How appropriate...

Fleet Foxes came on as I read your blog, Bailey. That's pretty intense about the twins, does the little girl know about it? I think it would depend on that... I mean sometimes I feel like an only child because my sister and I are so different and rarely hang out together, but with out her I don't know what I'd do, honestly. I guess you could say that I take her for granted, which usually comes with a negative connotation, but I feel maybe that is the one person you are allowed to? No... It's hard to say that I was born with an automatic companion because there has always been interchanging of power and situational authority, meaning fights. As we've gotten older they have become less frequent. Wait, maybe not. I rest assured that is it because we are too alike. I often wonder if we'd ever be friends if we weren't sisters. 75% of me says no, but the other 25% is hope... Anyway, I don't think it's crazy to think that she may have an empty spot for them in her mind or heart, knowing or unknowing. Makes sense. It would make even more sense to say that if they died after being introduced... damn.

Another night of snuggles I don't know what to do with. My horoscope keeps saying to open my lines of communication with this person, but sadly I have absolutely no idea how to go about that besides smiling and condoning. But if I do, the rewards will be amazing, supposedly. I'm working on it.

"ME AND TATI DID NOT HAVE SEX!"

"We didn't?"

"Well, if we did I must've been fucking terrible."

"Shit, I must've been asleep..."

Cuddle Fuddle

Then you applauded
When I was loving
Made me feel weak and
I start recovering
Now I feel silly
Selfish and dizzy
Now I got this feeling
That you'll forgive me

Maybe this song defines my morning... I got a call the other night from and old friend, we decided to meet for coffee this morning, so I left a warm bed and body side to attend, only to be blown off, forgotten. Loves it. Why just call to say I miss you and we SHOULD hang out soon? Why don't we do it and stop talking about it? Who knows man...

Ceeesar can't wait to see you in a few hourz.

A blank mind... A mindful confrontation with a good friend turned out quite beneficial... sometimes it's good to worry and let others know. Otherwise, how would they know you love them? Another, somewhat passive but sadistic confrontation last night, "I love you and you know it so just shut the fuck up." God, what the hell is wrong with me! haha...

Cuddle Fuddle

"I saw your eyes earlier and I'm sorry."

It's pretty amusing sometimes to see someone so in awe of themselves (theirself is not a word).

The term hubris has been embedded in my thoughts lately. Hubris in short: challenging laws to result in protagonist's downfall; outrageous pride; public and private actions of the powerful and the rich; extreme arrogance. I don't know, I looked it up on wikipedia so I very well could have just pulled it out of my ass. Doesn't sound very good. It's good but glorious, it's a consequence-driven existence. But I see someone who exceeds this hubris as glorious indeed, as a celebrity like Amy Whinehouse or Axl Rose or Sid Vicious, someone who is in no need of teaching or guidance, because they are the all knowing of the era... the glorious heroine addict deceiving the world of their happiness and taking their anger and sadness out on everyone else but in the most creative and beautiful way, you may not even notice it. In the sense of art, hubris is intended because the artist and the poet have an eye that no one else has... they have a means for easy expression that the rest of the world is not dubbed with. So with that, the rest of us are fucked.

"I am a cocky mother fucker and it works for me."

Alright. Enter: pedestal.

But I see a very negative side to hubris. In a sense of sister or brother or humanhood or whatever one wants to call it, hubris can intentionally harm these Platonic relationships with perhaps temporarily achieving happiness, making an exception for oneself in the process, and then suffering madly. When really, why deny that all we are doing right now is fucking suffering? So wouldn't denying something so blatantly obvious be silly in the first place? Foolish? Ill-considered? Denying that something bad exists is oblivious and ignorant. So I guess I am saying that hubris is inescapable and a part of every radical in past or present existence and if used wisely and good then it will prevail... but why does it seem that evil prevails all? In the sense of Social Darwinism the fittest will survive and that most definitly does not mean that the good will survive. The deceiving and the flattering and the lying will win.

I just think it's fucked up.

And when someone around me lets their figurative dick hang about slappin' over all the beers and singing pubic hairs in the fire I laugh inside just a little bit. Secretly wanting to video tape and then play back for them what they said at on point in their lives. But that would just be revengeful. Which is evil.

Predictability

Premeditations.

Note to self: maybe this is why i don't tell people ANYTHING because they never decide to take it into consideration. even that one person who you think would never betray. my mouth is kept shut for all. fuck you all.

On a lighter note, it would be silly of me to expect anything. Therefore I am right exactly where I left myself. The timer will just keep going and it will explode when the time is right. I just don't know when that time will be. It may be never.

Psycho bitch who thinks too much needs to get over herself.

I am... I'm just disappointed is all. Fuck it, let's go camping and drink and get over it and talk about everything else.

I have a Xanax in my purse, a controlled substance. I can't tell when I want to take it. Maybe Monday for school... That shit is starting to get on my nerves because it just reminds me of heroine addicts. Instant bubble of consciousness and agreeability, five different surface-scraping conversations at once, eye contact is nonexistent.

Feelings mean nothing man, we all just want to fuck each other and there's nothing wrong with that. Tati you are the untouchable one. How in the fucking hell did I get awarded that position? Fuck you all. I pretty much take back what I said about superficial friendships, I was just a little deceived for a day or two.

"...well as for now I'm going to hear the saddest songs and sit around and wonder how you're making out."

I'll be right here when you're ready honey.

I really like this guy BUT HE'S STILL A GUY. Damnit I hate when I have crushes on people but at the same time I really love it. Let's just forget about it! Forget about it man, it'll happen.

Hey, must be a devil between us, or whores in my bed.

Taking a break... had a drunken night, came home the next morning and did some homework.

UH! said the man to the lady...

UH! said the lady to the man she adored!

and the whore's like a fire UHUH! ALL NIGHT!

and Mary ain't you tired?

It's sunny and yellow outside.

Rando S.L.

Right now I feel a little smokey hang over, woke up with blurry vision and blurry thoughts with a scattered itinerary for the day. Still nothing much has been done. I mean I said hi to puppy, fed him, praised him, put my laundry away, listened to music. And it's still morning, which is good, but only for another hour. By the end of the day I need to finish my entire lab write-up (FUCK) and go to the math lab to do at least 80% on my math homework... I've already completed 44%. It doesn't sound like much but it is! At the moment I have no idea where to start, except by smoking a bowl and then starting. That's a silly start seeing as I am already hung over and SO INTO THIS MUSIC that I can't stop now... I need to let it take me somewhere far away for just a little bit so when I come back to this place I feel a little better...

But this music isn't even mine. It isn't even music to some people. It's just one of my distant friend's band and I think they are SO GOOD! I feel like they've been my favorite band forever. But they all just think of me as a random band slut who wants to fuck them. Which may be true, but who cares? That's what I hate about artists sometimes... they are so pretentious and can't appreciate appreciation. Or sometimes they get it confused with other things. I can't fully explain at the moment because I don't care to. I don't REALLY care that they may think that I'm silly for wanting to go to their shows and support their shitty band, but I really do. I appreciate it so much! But they're just a band and it'll be over in a few years, if that. It just reminds me of little things like poetry on Thursdays... Good things go bad after a while. After a random slut comes and fucks it up and exploits it. It's okay, I'll just appreciate it on my own and no one will ever understand. Like always.

I'm most likely not going camping this weekend anymore because I'm sick. It sucks... but this weekend is unfolding out to be not a very good weekend to go away for. I have homework and such that I have been neglecting. I keep having this one person on my mind and it makes my heart palpitate, which makes me think of Brett, which makes me anxious, which makes it worse. I think of Brett because when we broke up he had heart palpitations and such... anxiety... acceptance... reluctance... It scares me when I think about how close we were for that time, but how much we really didn't know each other, and how much wasn't said. What a gap it left for me. When we broke up I felt more empty than I ever have before, even after having a snippet of fulfillment.

Bailey, I remember the process of your outage (?) and the many many hugs and talks we shared. The many questions we asked rhetorically, all the laughs and sobs and anger and angst and bottomless bottles and blunts. I miss you so much! You are so beautiful and radiant... imagine what the city was like with out you or us - not the same AT ALL. I'm so glad we got to experience it together for the first time... and I wish I had something to give you for your birthday, but I don't. I will though, it'll just be really late and when I see it I'll automatically know that it's for you! I remember your birthday last year and throwing up in my bed and waking Vicki up HAHAHAHA...

I don't know what else to say.

Taren's a great poet and I've been reading her poems and I really love them... they would morph well into songs. Self-expression is an amazing thing that not many people know how to do. It is also a very pointless way of dealing with this pointless existence.

Nothing fucking matters. And if the world really is going to end in a couple years, what are we all doing wasting our time going to school and work? It's stupid. Why don't we all just quit everything and hop a train to New York, and once we're there hop a boat to the other side? It's really not that preposterous.

"I was young enough, I still believed in war"

"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." - Plato

Just doing some homework. I retook my online test and got a 94 YAY! I think that is the second A I've gotten all semester... sweet. My ears are plugged up. My throat hurts a little bit. After I write this small paper I'm off to school to study and go to the math lab.

settled with mediocrity... is that bad? I guess in some aspects it can be, it just depends on what part of your life is mediocre. Health should be higher than mediocre, material wealth should be mediocre, happiness should be higher, apathy for others negative thoughts should be at a mediocre level - that really doesn't make sense, but you know what I'm sayin' right...

I'm busy rockin' out... haha

No Subject

I am getting sick, damnit.

My nose is stuffy and my skin hurts. My hair follicles hurt. My throat hurts and my joints hurt. But I feel better when Sis insists on sleeping on my floor and all my stuff circulates my bed, stepping on pillows and cracking CD cases just to go to the bathroom or whatever.

I had an interesting dream last night. There is this woman at work who is so pretty... she has long black hair and pretty eyes and pale skin... She transferred here from Livermore! ... to live with her boyfriend. Haha, but she's really hot and the girl in my dream totally resembled her plus this other hottie from my Botany class who has long black hair too, but olive skin and brown eyes... and a boyfriend, haha.

A hot shower will feel nice.

I need to get some wheat grass and such before we head over to my friend's class to study for the test on Wednesday. FUCK I HAVE AN ONLINE TEST TO TAKE I MUST CHECK

Hi my name is Queen B and I only befriend people who I am superior to!

Bailey, I'm sorry about your bike...

Last night me and Taren and Shayna drove to San Diego to see Music For Animals, and it was pretty fun. Their set was ridiculously short, but we got to tell them that we love them and they told us about a show at El Rio on the 21... I really want to go up and make a turnaround trip, but I need to save money. I completely forgot about Christmas presents... just for my mom, dad, sister, and grandpa. Who knows what I'll get them.

I feel like I have a lot to write but I don't know where to begin.

School is stressing me out... I can either take it easy for another year to move out or I can bust my ass and move out sooner... both are appealing and for different reasons. Sometimes I think too much and I daydream about things that will never ever happen. I have a crush on a boy. I don't have school on Monday. I have to study for a test on Wednesday. I have a paper to write for Tuesday. I have math homework to do. I have to work Sunday too.

To the title/subject: I feel like I have a wholesome support group at the moment... I remember when I first moved back I felt so alone and... alone. There are people around now that give me fluffy warmth and equality and feedback and interest and open mindedness and respect and trust (for now)... something maybe I haven't felt in a while. The superficial in relationships at the moment is at an all time low, and it makes me happy. So, I'm happy that I don't have to be dealing with false friends and vicious facetiousness and manipulation and tests; or maybe my paranoia has died down a bit. I feel a little fried at the moment, I feel like I've been getting drunk a lot and smoking too many cigarettes (damnit) and weed of course. I love weed...

Those people just said my name and they know about me and are talking about me but I don't know who they are or why they are doing this. Why does anyone care that much?

Only the right side of my face is breaking out.

I bought new shoes.

I started my period meaning I won't have it when we go camping (yes).

My hands are so dry from this wind and such.

My brain and heart are mush.

I don't know what else.

Oh, I got made fun of for being bi... and then I became legitimately upset :/

mush

It's the month of Scorpio!

So happy days to all of my beloved. I think only one reads this haha so it doesn't matter at all... Along with everything else.

Nothing matters in a sing-song kind of way. Anything can happen, good or bad, and you'll have to deal with it somehow, because running away just creates a larger burden on everyone. In a way you can respect someone for leaving their small town or family or what have you, for any reason, but in another way you have to question it... Why are you running away and from what? What are you afraid of and what are you expecting to be different here or there? It's all the same, but you - you are different. You are aware and analytic. You can change but be the same in almost every way. The things that happened to you as a child create you whether you want to accept that or not - the things that happen to you or didn't happen, the words people said, the actions that contradicted them, and the unfairness of learning and being forced to accept and follow. What is the significance of a blood relative? Are you obligated to care for them for that one reason? What if you have nothing else in common with them or anything else besides blood? Why do you have to care? Why are they a burden to you? So leave, feel no guilt, and expand. When that gets boring, leave, feel no guilt, and expand. But what if they come knocking on your door one day: you're twice removed second cousin that you grew up with? Your conscience might obligate you with free rent to this person - your burden. The burden of connectivity and forced "love."

Does blood really run deeper than water? Even though everything needs water, but not everything needs blood?

Is it just a coincidence that you were born with this person into the same blood line? The same uterus at the same time, for that matter? Is it all just chance? This burden of expectation of care for this person, no matter the distance. What is that pull, that guilt, from the absence of connection or acknowledgment of this privilege of something great if nurtured? Is there a gap? Why do we fight and refuse even if it can be good? Why do we jump to run away under assumption that no one understands...

... because no one really understands anything about you - only you. We are born alone and we die alone. It is the level of happiness we acquire through out life that can calm us down for periods of years at a time maybe. Six years here with him, four here with her, ten on and off with the both of them... it takes up our time and distracts us from thinking about death. The longer we prolong perhaps the harder it will come down, so we must be prepared for the worst by prolonging fake or superficial happiness, for the dark eternity awarded to us in the end.

If I wanted a show I'd go pay for one.

There might be nothing more that makes my insides curl and twist and my vomit creep up my throat than fake people, who will draw more lines to elevate themselves than to be honest even if that means taking a step down - not to acknowledge one's own wrongness, but for plain honesty!

WHAT A CONCEPT!