I loved you.

Where can I start?

Orange County has been tripping me the fuck out ever since I got here. Nothing is really what I expected, surprises around every corner. But I feel amazing right now. Alone in a huge house, like I used to be all the time. Mom's at work, Dad's at work, sister's in school. Friends are around, technology, normalcy, nastolgia... just the way I left it.

We went to this bar called Group Therapy - I've been there before with old TJ's workers and it is possibly the jankiest bar (with the cleanest bathrooms) in Placentia. The bartender had braces and apologized for the mosquitos. "I don't know why they're in here!" she said. It's because the door was wide open, and the warm air dragged them to the light and the standing water. Um.

We drank beers and talked about everything.

He said he was proud of me for going to San Francisco, and told me about her. (I'm getting annoyed by my vagueness right now) He said my mannerisms were different and that I don't seem happy - and that I didn't seem happy before either. We were both tripping each other out.

We went to a viewpoint and talked more. I loved you. I wanted to make it work. We talked about past and present, and both agreed we had never seen each other on this plane. We have never had confrontation about anything. We confessed and remembered and reminisced. Then we kissed and kissed and kissed. And kissed... but that was it.

I feel like he's the only one that truly respects me for who and what I am. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad it's me," he said. It might be close to impossible to stay completely Platonic.

I can't get anything but a C on my journalism stories becasue I can't stick to the AP style guide. Fucking over it.
I can't help but fail my Anthropology tests.
I can't help but ditch my History class.
I can't help not making my painting class a priority.

I might regret this semester.
He said he regrets not making it work when he could have. He apologized for hurting me and I confessed to getting him back. It sounds toxic - it was well deserved and in the best intentions, of course. I haven't felt that way since years ago when we were okay. We might be okay again. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know and the tears were choking me.