happy christscrucifictionmas

My Horoscope

"Don't let your suspicion extend to loved ones."
What happens if those are the ones causing the suspicion?

I want to drop out of school and take on another obstacle, like reading all the books I want to read and don't have time for. I have a job, I can get insurance, why do I need to go to school if all it's for is to make money? And why do I need to make money when I can't even count it according to the curriculum?

Listening to femme rock... and I want a cigarette.

Oh that's an ending that I can't write, 'cause I've got you to let me down.

I love that Strokes line...

I got a D in math...

Maybe the next time I'll get a C...

F to D to C.

I've been looking into plausible future and it doesn't seem so bad. Back to last night with Jen and her brother, we parked by a tree and Jen swore that there was an earthquake and I said that if there was that she and I would probably die if that huge tree fell down on us, and Mike would live. And then Jen said, "Think about it as a big hug." and I said, "I don't want to be conscious through that pain... I'd rather die peacefully like drowning." and then Mike said "What the hell!?!?"



Sometimes I think I'm just fine because I'm not hopeless to things, except sex.
In my Psych class, a nymphomaniac was identified as someone who needs/wants 6-7 orgasms a week. In that case...

My mom woke me up at quarter to seven IN THE MORNING to yell at me. Well, it was actually earlier than that because she was yelling at Nikki across the hall and then she came into my room and yelled at me for forgetting her anniversary and then not speaking to her. And I said that I'm mad at her because she thinks I drink too much. And then it ended by me saying "I'M ASLEEP RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY."

I can't believe I failed math :(

It's okay 'cause I'm still breathin' and my hands are free

Right now seems like a good time to blog? Because I have things on my mind and I don't have a light or pen at my fingertips? My head hurts right now because I had a really strong cup of black coffee at Jen's house and we smoked weed in front of this person-I-used-to-be-friends-with's house. I have no idea how to say that properly? We talked about rape and abortion and the catholic church-that-we-all-used-to-go-to's services and youth ministry perplexities.

"Do you support murdering small children?"
"Well, course they're innocent." (on the subject of priests molesting boys)

I decided against the cigarette thing. I love them, but they are expensive and ridiculous and make you sick and now I think I might be getting pinkeye from these withdrawls, if you will - physical. My mind's been floating a lot lately. The other day I smoked before I left for work and I felt sober, and then today I think I felt all lazy and out of it at work. Whatever. My coworkers invited me to go to Linbrook with them on Tuesday night, and I found out I don't work and now I don't think I want to go. I do not see the benefit of that, since I know no one and I cannot socialize?

Adam left. :( He went home for the holiday and then he'll be back for about a day and then he's moving to Portland, OR to tour with this band American Me. I'm sad that he left and now I miss him! But he's going to have a ball drumming for this band. When he was on the phone with them we all thought he was going to start crying 'cause he was all happy. It was a good two months though, in California. I want to move to Portland damnit! But they are playing a show in Canoga Park and then in Hemet in some January time.

All the pictures of Jess and Ash's house are precious. I think I see two new room mates besides Peter and Annie? I wish I could be there! My parents bought Sisyphus a cute bed that half of his body can fit on. He all loves it though and it's cute when he lays his bigass head down on the fluff. I was out till 5am last night 'cause I went to a hookah bar with Zack and JImi and their two friends and... Noel. Who is.... undesirable.

There's something about charm that is a turnoff completely.

There's something about fantasy that is amazing. I watched "Waking Life" again with Britt and Taren and they really liked it. I feel like I either missed some the last time I watched it or just noticed more this time... that is redundant. Anyway, it said something about self-awareness being seeing someone else being affected by you - their desire for you is self-awareness. So after that I start thinking about all the different friends and acquaintances, and differentiating the two with flattery and the noticeable desire of you (me) from another. Then about the whole lucid dreaming thing... I've been so interested in it and feel like I do it a lot, actually. I wonder if I could make true some fantasies... but it still won't be real. But it almost is. For instance today I was thinking about this beautiful blonde from my past who is north now and how amazing it would be to love and fuck her? Haha, silly kind of. But in my dream it was perfect, sort of. It was surreal, like most dreams. But it felt like a whole month - session - occurred in two or three seconds from the light to the middle of the road before you turn right to get to my house. That was my like mental orgasm and then I was just reveling in it, by the time I turned off my car, speechless.

God, my head hurts.

"She was true or blinded and bruised."

A similar fantasy played out, though more censored as to avoid a calcium deposit of fantastical emotional expectation. Like those little fake pimples that are just liquified tooth matter, calcium! :D *twinkle*

I have to work tomorrow and not on Tuesday and then Wednesday and then Thursday and not Friday, but Saturday and Sunday.....................

Good night I guess.

I feel more like a man when I try to dress "girly"

Like I'm wearing a costume? I just pull my hair back into a ponytail and call it a day.

If I could make this night light enough to move...

the possibilities.

I hate liars. LIving with my sister is like having a shitty room mate. I can't wait to get out of here but I don't know where to go. I've been crying all morning. No one understands me, wah ;(

It's nice to have someone to talk to, though.

I have to leave for work in an hour and I can't escape this stupid ass bullshit. I want to move out. I'm not happy at the moment, in fact I'm pretty sad.

"Romantic love is always tragic" - Pam Anderson

This has nothing to do with romantic love. But I feel my face is red and coated by tears.

"Don't wanna spend the rest of my days dreamin' yesterdays day dreams" - Descendents

"Because it's the right thing to do."

I hate the holidays... All of this family obligation bullshit. What is the point in calling my uncle to say bye when he already left hours before he said he was going to? So now it's my fault that I didn't say goodbye to them? When all they did was give me shit and dirty looks anyways? Because my hair is short and I don't talk like I live in Beverly Hills? Because their virgin eyes can't stand to see a photograph on my desktop so my sister had to lie about it to them? Give me a fucking break? You are my uncle that I never see so why do I need to change myself for you when you don't see the point in doing it for me out of respect? All there is to do is make fun of what I believe anyway, in subtle ways of course, because being responsible for something like that is out of the question, because it's just a joke anyway...

Fuck that.

Holiblaze. Holidaze.

Work. Work. Work. Imagine. Think. Regret. Repeat.

I went to a party last night with people I barely knew, and I can't remember the last time I did that. It was Bobby's birthday, and I made him a CD with Maladroit, the Descendents, Minus the Bear, and My Morning Jacket on it. I hope he likes it. I sort of want to apologize to him for being weird, if I was weird, at the party, because I knew no one and spent the majority of time out on the porch smoking cigarettes and texting on my phone. I said birthday wishes and smiles and a bowl, but then I talked mostly with Vanessa, who is really awesome, she's a Virgo. She has a great laugh like all Virgos... ahha...

God I'm so frustrated right now. Shunned. Forgotten.

But why?

Why would you throw all of this away for love? Why would you soil a perfectly Platonic relationship for something so silly and temporary, voiding it completely? Making it part of your past and not your present or future? Excluding a person just because of a flutter? It seems silly, no? Of course it would never happen, not even perfectly in your dreams, because it's so far out of reach, honesty and control and censorship could not force it. The keyword here is force. If it didn't just happen, forcing it will turn it to stone, freezing this in its own path, unchangeable like my math homework past the due date. But this is the check point. Now I can see it, and I was right all along... and that doesn't happen very often. I'd like to say fuck you as well just for the record. It's not my fault, but now I'm the fool, right? For not catching on? Please, I was right on before anyone else I presume.

Annoyed and slightly disgruntled because the blame is all mine, correct? Flattery has left the building, finally. Why love, huh? It only seems plausible to indulge in the most outrageous of circumstances... So then what is "making it work?" Why allow entrance when you can't predict the exit? Isn't that faulty planning and impulsive desire? Wishful thinking? Where did that ever get anyone besides a song or a fling for less than a year? It hurts me to think of all the change that may happen to all of us and we may not remember each other if we ran into each other. It might be a, "I know that voice!" or "I know that laugh!" I guess the same goes for tattoos, face.... It might be sad if we figure it out who it was before it's too late. I hope I never have to forget any of you, that's for sure... Love is different. Of course you will forget some aspects of love, most all besides how much you loved them. How it still caves your chest in, maybe. But friends are forever, and you can remember most, hopefully, of why it was you were friends with them, what they brought out in you, and how you complimented each other like a glass of wine with dinner. It's still love though....

Sometimes I sit here and accept the fact that I'll be alone forever, and it seems fine, you know. How else would I go to Europe for months, soul searching? China? Drive cross-country? With friends, and lovers. Why is everything so complicated? Cesar, you are here right now 'cause my mom is listening to KOL. Bailey, you are here as the unfinished pillow. Jess, you are here 'cause of my dog. Ashley you are here 'cause my lampshade is orange.

My leg hair is long woooo!
Suck my dick.

Feeling a little conservative?

Defeatism? Functionalism? Love? Lack of hope for change?

How do you get anything done? Exactly the point!

"I'm a Liberal, it's not your problem." - t.v.

I wonder if there will come a time where I'll be drinking shots of vodka before, during, or after work. Whiskey?

You know, you're all so fucking beautiful with your disgusting use of power that comes from being young and beautiful. You take advantage of people and you give and give and give, but only to receive - and when it happens you are not satisfied and when it doesn't you give up, shun, and forget. Forget but never forgive.

But it all makes sense. Is Liberalism all just a bunch of hopeful hoo-hah, individual-anulling sense of community? Isn't isolationism what the person should not do in order to expand, change. Is there really such thing as a permanent common ground? NO! Nothing, and especially no ONE is guarantee-able. Able for guarantee. People crash like computers, and you can't just be crossing your fingers for that one, and you can't just hit a little code to make it better, and you can't just right click eject it. No force stopping. So what's the point? Just to live. But wasn't birth so involuntary and unfair? Life is a miracle?

I wonder, really truly wonders what it takes to get a good lay around here. A lot more than I'm willing to reach out the effort to confirm it. Dress: nah... Hair: nah... Nails: nah... Fake Laugh: maybe... Fake interest: maybe... but we all know that makes for boring sex.

I hate sex.

Denial

I over analyze anything and every part of what you just said. I play out every possibility of every outcome in my head before I give an answer, usually. I try my best to be objective in many senses of my life... but a lot of times that isn't the case. How can you be objective when so many things have happened in a subjective light? There is no denying that subjectivity, even if you (I) don't agree with it. In fact, especially if it is disagreeable. I continue to be objective by changing the song, changing the subject, to neutrality - which doesn't exists, according to my last post. Why can't we just tell the truth? The effort to achieve subjectivity would be much easier, and objectivity would be no option.

I wonder how vague this blog really is to an outside reader. I guess you are all outsiders, really.

"So Tati, do you miss San Francisco?"
"I don't know... yes. But for different reasons than why I wanted to go there in the first place. I miss my friends."
"But you don't miss the city?"
"No, I do..."

Might as well go to Vegas, right? A cesspool of the most desperate of black and blue capitalism there is. Oh, the humanity!!!

I left my weed at Taren's. That is my mission for the day.

I feel an increasing distance - I'm not that cool anymore. Back to Coolsville, population: US!

Oblivion; I rest my case.

That usage of semicolon is incorrect.


I succeeded at making this day the most burnt-out of many in recent times. Woke up at 1, drank by 2, smoked and smoked and smoked till.... now. 1.

"Make me happy
For one moment
Of my lifetime
I'd be there"==w

My mind runs about 5 steps faster than realz timez.

I blame the rain.

I have no belief, but I believe that I'm a walking contradiction...

Hello!

I have been having lots of clouded emotions lately, and I can't tell if they are being voluntarily clouded or not... Sometimes I feel myself controlling the fog and other times there is no evidence. Um, I hung out with this guy named Bobby after our Math final and we went to the Brea Dam and smoked some weed by a creek and had nice conversations about life, drugs, music, Jack Kerouac, San Francisco, mutual friends and so on... His birthday party is on Saturday. He said I was the first person he's met in college and hung out with. Sagittarius. Skinny. Nonsmoker. Guitar player. 20.

I ran into people I've known, or know or knew at the store last night with Jen. Who by the way is leaving me, that bitchass cunt!!!! Just kidding... They were so cold but maybe it was my tunnel vision. Jen and I smoked and listened to a Historian talk about things in her car and then we went inside with our heads full of his nonsense, his lack of neutrality and his opinions. He believes that there is no such thing as neutrality... I guess I agree. Anyway, I love the person I saw, ever since the minute we talked, and I can't even remember when we were introduced or what have you... I just always remember you being there in the distance, not easily accessible in any way, but you tempt me even if you don't mean to. I"m just drawn to you, and I can't have you, so maybe that's why. Hopefully there will come a time and we can do this. Patience you know? But patience is already a part of your life, going on three years now, what an accomplishment. Me, on the other hand, may be incapable of patience in that way, hope, or security. My hands are so dry, they remind me of Ryan's hands. Except they were sexy on him, heh.

I get paid today and I'm going to leave soon to go to that antique mall at the circle and buy this jacket I saw last week. I really hope it's there.

Me and he snuggled close on the couch all night last night, barely reaching REM because of constant turning and shifting, wake ups form the tv that we didn't turn off, maybe for a reason. I think Shayna turned it off when she left. But it was so warm and nice to be next to a body. Kisses but nothing more... or less. Rubs and scratches and caresses, but nothing else.

make out
"K bye"
"K bye"

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas...

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us and we drown."

... part of the poem I'm writing the essay on. Totally quoted Bright Eyes too... this part...

"A good woman will pick you apart
a box full of suggestions for your possible heart
And you may be offended, and you may be afraid
but don't walk away, don't walk away"


.......


<3

Gimme, I need some more

Gimme Gimme Gimme, don't ask what for...

---

That's a Dirty Projectors song, that I like I guess.


---

I honestly don't know what to say in here. I feel very frustrated and unable to do anything I'm supposed to do, which isn't all that much... I need to write an essay by 7pm tomorrow. Study for Botany and Human Sexuality and Math, I have all those finals on Wednesday. So scratch math, really, 'cause how can you study for that and how am I going to pass? The other two are easy. Essay is easy, and my English final is next week and will be so easy!

Easy Peezy... SF is calling me in so many ways...

This place is pushing me out like an infected splinter.

... And when was the last time you did something wrong, oh rationality?

Waking up early for work on the weekends is pretty damn horrible. I really hate it. But I like it better than working nights.

I have been procrastinating all of my school work. I hope I do good...

I register for next semester on Monday.

I believe I will be requesting off days for SF. I'm thinking 30-2. Short and sweet 'cause I have to work. I was thinking yesterday (or I don't know what day it was) that someone from SF always accompanies us down here and then we go up there right after, so we wend up staying extra long with them :) Whoever it may be.

Long-distance connecting works better when you don't have to see or deal or understand or do.

Flesh-to-face connecting works better instantaneously and is gratifiable (not a word, I guess. Haha awesome).

Uhm.

I have to leave in three minutes. I would like a cigarette. I should bring food to work. I didn't yesterday and I only had milk and toast in my tummy till about 3pm where I ate about two pounds of pasta and then more toast with avocado and then chocolate milk and lots of green tea. I sound like an angry vegan.

Speaking of angry vegans, Jen's BF socked his room mate in the face because his room mate called his mom a whore. HAHAHAHAHHA. <3da>

This is my third entry and I don't know how I'm feeling.

I feel very awake and conscious... even though I'm stoned. In fact I want to get mo stoned.

I don't know what I want to write right now because of that. Um, but I feel like I want to write something. I am drinking chocolate milk.

Shayna wants to go to SF for new years... I'm down... what would we (meaning everyone) do? I don't know but it'll be fun. I want to bring the doggy but at the same time that could be a huge fucking hassle.

I hate stating how I feel because it always turns out to be the opposite and I'm just projecting. I feel warm and fuzzy lately but for really strange reasons. The fire is burning for all of this and all of you but it's out of anger and love... rageful (not a word) love? Revengeful? Vindictive? Hopeful? Toxic? Stupid? It's giving me heart burn fo sho.

I've been imaginative lately, playing out all these conversations and scenarios with all the people I wish were in my life, or I could talk to. And a lot of my inhibitions have been confirmed as false, misunderstandings and communications and such. Time is passing. School is almost out and I am fucking stoked. Next semester I'm planning on taking painting again and figure drawing and philosophy (I don't remember the class but it's with this one teacher I;ve had before and I love him) and yoga. Sounds like fun + health insurance + time to save money.

My mind can't travel far right now. I feel like a lot of things that I am frustrated about are just a waste of time. They are. Bailey I can't wait to fucking see you! I miss you a lot...

I feel so conflicted about shit! I feel like all this not-wanting-to-be-mad-at-stuff-I'm-obviously-mad-about and choose not to express it because of the time wasting makes me numb... or tolerant? or apathetic?

"I'll write you to let you know that I'm alright, can't say I'm sad to see you go, 'cause I'm not."

so we just take it back