Hally Happoween!

"The search for answers is not a comfort-seeking ritual, but becomes instead a desperate, obsessive self-destructive quest that makes you feel like at least you're trying now." - From "Kids Like Caty" - This statement agrees with me... it helps me relax just a little bit.

Today is a huge day for some people, but for me it feels like yesterday, which feels like two weeks ago, which feels like last year. I'm on the closing shift tonight - maybe after I will go to T's and do some coke? Haha, I was offered last night and declined but today is an evil day to some, so why not act as devilishly as possible for the sake of holiday cheer?

This weekend was bunk - I did not try my hardest to study on my 4 days off - instead, I walked my doggie a lot and smoked a lot of weed. I sort of wish I didn't but yesterday I woke up feeling depressed. I woke, fed Sisyphus and pat him on the head, then I returned to my bed with the goal of staying submerged, undressed, and unshowered for as long as possible. It didn't work because some little voice inside me told me to suck it up and that I really wasn't depressed but extremely lazy and angsty. So I got up and took him to the park for a little stroll alongside trails by a "river" smelling of bleach and waste. The day before we went to the "Bark Park" for the first time. As a new parent, I was quite protective of Sis running around with out a leash and with out my supervision, but as I scanned the park, it wasn't so big and all the other dogs were off leashes joyfully prancing and smelling asses, so I let him have it.

Then this dog entered the gates with a rather douche bag-looking owner with a blonde afro (in a bad way) and I'm assuming Tevas (Bailey I'll give him yo number next time I see him). Sis went up to greet the damn thing when it decided to be territorial of the PUBLIC DOG PARK and start a fight with Sis! Silent and covering my eyes, I finally got up to stand next to douche and watch the fight closely. His dog started it. HE bit Sisyphus in the mouth!!!! :( but Sis stood his ground and let loose his enormous bark that sounds far away even when you are close to him, and the dogs gave it a rest. Like a weirdo I said, "Sisyphus! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" and he came over! I almost started laughing but instead I started crying (haha) as Sis came back to our little home base under a tree, and sat down, exhausted, from all the recent excitement. I lay my head down on his shoulders and let a few tears of relief seep out for Taren's entertainment. Poor Sissy... Sometimes I worry about his obedience and what level my dominance should be regulated at, but it's very minute. He's a bit stubborn and has very selective hearing, but he might listen when he feels like your request is appropriate. I think Sisyphus and Apollo could be pals :)

As of now I have two and a half hours before I have to leave for work. Should I mope, or should I apply to schools? Should I walk the dog? I could do all of them if I stop writing right now... but I feel a flow. Now it is time to pinch the hose.

....

"And we could have all this," she said. "And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible."

"What did you say?"

"I said we could have everything."

"No, we can't."

"We can have the whole world."

"No, we can't."

"We can go everywhere."

"No, we can't. It isn't ours any more."

"It's ours."

"No, it isn't. And once they take it away, you never get it back."

"But they haven't taken it away."

"We'll wait and see."

-"Hills Like White Elephants" by Ernest Hemingway

What do you know?

This has been a really fun and amazing and relaxed past week. I skipped school Tuesday night and all day Wednesday to pay a visit to San Francisco. Drove up with some friends to stay with some friends, party with some friends. I was thoroughly high as fuck that whole time, and it was very peaceful and not stressful at all. There was a bit of tension between someone and I, but it was because I was having a problem with them, and it was just something that did not need to be confronted through another, and something that will not be leaving any time soon. It made me think of Social Darwinism. Sorry, I can't walk slow as you can't walk fast, and I'm thinner than your chubby, I don't know what to say... and I have just the same amount of freedom to figuratively kick a pigeon out of my way (I would never actually kick a pigeon...) as you do! So in your adult mind, please reevaluate your head shaking to my bird fluttering as an innocent and carefree action, not a dominance trip or an abusive I-really-want-to-harm-this-pigeon action. So don't treat me like I'm a kid atcho daycare and shake your head at me and actually tell me not to kick the pigeon. Like, I know not to kick the pigeon. Fuck.

See how minor that is? I had an amazing time seeing Jess and Ash and Apollo who looks SO MINIATURE to me now that I have a big beastly gentle giant puppy dawg. It was fun seeing Cesar's place and his room mates. His room mates seem pretty cool, but they are so weird! But it all makes sense, like he seems to fit in with them and their living situation. I don't know what to say about it though. He has a huge room with plenty of space for a week-long sleepover! Bailey's new place is pretty sweet as well... It all makes me want to move back in the spring. I have to start applying for schools. Maybe I will when I'm done with this paper. And then I have to go to school to go to the math lab and then I have to read and write.

I have some things to do, not a lot of things, but what order to do them in? What is my priority for the day? I still have to take Sisyphus out for a walk.

What to do.

Oh yeah, and Tegan and Sara last night were SO GOOOD! They sounded pretty amazing, and they were so grateful for their crowd, thankful, and adorable and funny and what not. The place was flooded with a whole bunch of dykey girls who need to go up to SF.

Ugh

Out of respect, I must wear nicer clothes to go to the cemetery. My Saves the Day shirt to me is appropriate for such an occasion, but my mom got mad. Today is the two-year anniversary of my mom's mom death. We're going to her grave and then going to lunch. Whenever we do this I'm always fucking depressed for the rest of the day, and it'll just get worse. I'll be dwelling on this at work, watch. Plus the other thing.

But I accumulated a puppy from some friends who were looking to give it a home. His name is Sisyphus and he is a great dane and he's fucking cute as hell! I took him for a walk today and last night he took me for a drag when he got scared. Imagine a cartoon: girl walking a dog twice her size, dog gets scared of something that no one else heard, freaks out and runs in the opposite direction, tripping the girl with the leash who then falls to the ground and scratches her elbows and knees, while he wines and comes back for a pat. RIDIC.

Almost ready. Sometimes something isn't enough for someone.

More, more, more, more, gimme gimme. Me first!

If we could only see us now...

"Aries are dramatic... you're kind of dramatic" - I sooo beg to differ. This is coming from a Libra, see...

My horoscope today: "Your love life has your head spinning at the moment. While you have some wonderful opportunities to transform your life in a positive way, you are a little afraid to make the commitments needed to take things to the next level. It will be an enjoyable dilemma though"

Good advice, I guess. I got pretty drunk last night off Simpler TImes ;p

Then I slept on the couch.

Then I left in the morning.

I've been inclined to listen to Thrice for some reason. Can't wait for SF...

"The words of the dead ring in our ears,
but its only a lie.
The voice in your head brings you to tears,
but you don't know why.
The words of the dead ring in our ears,
but its only a lie.
The voice in your head brings you to tears,
but its only a lie,
yes, its only a lie,
...isn't it?"

I dunno

Insanity excused, reimbursed with gifts, no apologies; just bad memories. It's too late for, "I just want you to be happy."

uncorrectable.

"you were outta my league at a distance i didn't wanna see"

Hey, want to be friends?

Oh yes, find me again on Myspace! Bailey, I don't know your email address so I can't add you... haha.

Why? Because my old boss found me on facebook and it gave me a creepy feeling and I just don't care about half those people I haven't talked to since high school and probably never even talked to them while we attended. Yes, that's the best excuse I could come up with.

I think I will thoroughly enjoy music today.

But I have no money, no weed, no love, no care... but I will enjoy that and keep my head out of the gutter, 'cause that's where it's been going lately. Though I am surprised my PMS window was not used to full capacity and I wasn't a HUGE bitch like usual. Plugged up like a broken faucet and excreting those pheromones to all who can tell: Hey, I'm single want to get married? ;)

Snugglin' with Snuggie.

It's a beautiful gloomy day in the neighborhood, and it's actually under 70 degrees. I layered today and it made me nostalgic, thinking about that one time we head out to Geary for something cool to eat, get rained on automatically, can't find the bus stop, and end up eating at a place almost identical to one right down the street - DERRRRRRR. Also thought about the shivering walks home, mist in face, head in clouds, and the pain in my ears and nose from the cold wind. Now look at me, with a motherfuckin' Snuggie, eating two dinners and free show!

and I want to walk around with you.... just you just you just you just you, SF. How I miss thee in times of need... a friend in need is a friend indeed... this is full of cliches, I think I can keep going.

Clap! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! Today is asymmetrical! And tomorrow will be full, a checklist is needed. Oh yeah... Tegan and Sarah October 26. Suck it PAHLEAAASE!

New Post

I hung out with Carly, Jen, Brittany, and Rochelle for like an hour at Starbucks. It was cool getting to see Carly, though nothing is ever new it seems. I feel like there is a lot of new going on for me right now, but there is so much of it and it's so NEW and I have to adapt to it and get used to it, it feels familiar. I haven't felt this way since I first got my license or something. But nothing like that is happening, everything is just changing so rapidly. I have to start applying for schools and today I had a vision that I just wont, and I'm not going to...

I feel that this "struggle" with my sexuality and such is more consuming that I thought. I feel that I can tell people that I'm bi, and that's the way it is. I probably don't have to go so far to even say that, but it makes me feel better. I feel asexual sometimes, and I've been celibate for a while, like more than a couple months. I feel like I've gone longer than anyone I know right now without some beautiful connection with someone. I feel a little empty sometimes, but so passionate and hopeful that it is just covered up, and it becomes needed and not wanted. I feel like I am wanting it so much lately that I'm beginning (since when does beginning have two n's???) to need it. Is it okay for me to tell them that I think about them at least once every day? Is it okay that I fall in love like once a day? No, it's not. Is it okay for me to pursue these withstanding moments in time, hoping that they might continue in a different direction through space so I can take a new perspective and expand my horizon with another mind and with love and lust? No. Psycho bitch. I can't even tell you how much I think about you.

Something to fill my head for a moment because nothing else is ever enough. I'm writing nothing and searching for content for my life constantly full of just stuff. I can't because I do not know. I can't because I'd have no where to go.

Peeps

I love when people will talk and talk about what they think they know about, even when they don't. Like when they sit to philosophize about obvious things, oxymorons and such. But how am I to know if they really don't know what they are talking about - if and only if they are talking about something I happen to know about, and it is frankly incorrect. Excessive talking and advocacy are signs of guilt or disobedience to oneself - excessive being the term, of course talking and advocacy are necessary - also flattery. Some people are compassionless and do not have a guilty conscience, pushing down their wrongdoings or contradictory actions and words and opinions from one sentence to the next, hiding their vulnerability and passive aggressive nature. Lying is also present in the demeanor. I remember going so far as to not lie about any one thing, at all, to ensure myself a positive place, but people don't like that. People are used to being lied to or fucked over so they misinterpret an honest person as lame or substance-less. Sometimes lying to someone else can be funny, but it's also a superficial kind of funny. Because think about all the other funny things that are happening, yet you chose to spotlight your and maybe one other person of your choice's significance to society and/or importance, intelligence...

I have also noticed somewhat recently the gilded race with marijuana. There are some people out there who identify themselves with the fact that they like to get hiigh and smoke weed, meaning, to an innocent victim of this new lifestyle, that the age old stoner knows much more than this little kid will ever know. It's a race to see who can smoke the most and get the least high, in some cases. When I find myself around people like that it makes me very uncomfortable, and slips me into the nodding, and saying "Yeah..." every once in a while, so they can spill their importance and I can sit their and ignore it, because I feel like I've heard it a thousand times. And all those people who say they have their life figured out are the ones who are the most lost... the ones who get angry at someone who questions them and their life choices are the ones that have no clue behind what it is they are doing.

"Doubt no the one who argues, but the one who dodges." - i forget

Arrogance is ignorance. Ignorance is bliss.

Everyone is a sociopath.

Or is it me that is? To an extent everyone is... but the pitying of ignorance and realization of motives, the observation of others and analyzation of actions and not words, are what lead me to judge in that way. I like to think that i feel empathy for others, even if they are the epitome of a hypocritical Christian and Orange Countian, and they have no relativity to offer the other. The game of chase is immature and quite pointless, so I'm just not going to play. I'll just continue doing what I was doing which was nothing...

Do I even want to get into that at all?

Someone from San Francisco emailed me and said they miss our stoney friendship, haha cute.

Do I deserve?

you're working hard on a life your own

three square meals and a place to call home

but you keep gettin' lost

each time you walk out your front door

You'll never guess what I'm doing right now.

Well, you probably would, actually.

My Uncle Butch in Louisville, Kentucky, the one who still participates in that grotesque, paranoia-infested, hate group sent me an email today which had an attachment and the subject of the email was "Archaeology." I didn't open it because I'm scared of what the possibilities are, but I think I'll open it later. Today is a free day! I have some homework to do and other things to catch up on, but I see the wind blowing today as a sign that I should just relax, that the time will come to me as it did on Tuesday. The shutters and blinds are hitting each other with each gust and I keep thinking that someone is entering the house and then I remember that it's just the wind this time.

Last night that one anti-depressant commercial came on. The one with the lady and the perfect family and the wind-up doll that she keeps by her side. And when she's sad, the doll is sad and won't move, and when she's "happy" it will wind up and have a smile and walk all proudly. It's kind of a weird commercial. It said one may have depression if they experience memory loss and such. Then we started talking about how if you were depressed and you suffered memory loss, what if you forgot like every day that you were depressed, and that was the cycle? So, you'd be on these pills because you've been diagnosed and then you forget one day why you feel so numb and you can't figure it out until you remember that you are clinically depressed or someone reminds you, and then fall down under again. Every time!

Then Taren started making fun of the lady ha ha, and called her stupid for being depressed and not getting over it because she has this happy family - complete with dog and green grass and little Johnny Jr. But what if she's trapped in the marriage and you can't see that her husband is actually beating her or the child, or is an alcoholic or something? What if she's actually being selfless in sticking around for the sake of her kid or her side of the family or SOMETHING and that's why she's depressed, cause she's trapped in something she can't deal with on her own?

Sometimes I like commercials way better than the actual TV shows I'm watching because they are shorter and keep my attention span, and if they are funny or interesting or ignorant or really sad then it intrigues me. So then this other awesome commercial came on. It was an advertisement for KY Touch (lube) and there was this dormant Asian couple laying in this bed together, talking about the significance and positive results of this lube and then the wife got all embarrassed and hit him a little, and he giggled and said, "So loud..." then she smiled and they both started smiling or something. Then it went to explain the statistic of women who say it enhances their pleasure a billion times over and that every woman should buy it... then they show the couple again, heads on each other's shoulders, both sighing an orgasmic relief. There was a female moan at the closing of the commercial and it was so awesome! We all agreed because it's rare that a sexual enhancement commercial is based solely around the woman's pleasure.

I feel like I've been pretty patient lately... but not patient enough. It hasn't been over a year. And I was writing yesterday and realized that Liz was the last one to actually take the time to make me come and make sure of it! Besides that one time... But that's a little depressing to me. Especially since lately I've been attracted to men and want to have sex with a man, and the girl thing is on the back burner. Men, man. Niki is leaving on Saturday I think, and lately she's been telling me the problems she's been having with her significant other, and absolutely everything she's told me describes Joe, but I hesitated to illuminate that connection for some reason... Because maybe I'm ashamed and and should have known and again, it's all my fault.

It's still her fault, how could she think that a guy would want a blow job and if he didn't want it then how could she think that he would just say no? That's all she did, and it's still all her fault. His actions and his words to others take all consideration, and the blow job was the start of it all. If she wasn't such a slut and didn't give him a blow job, his poor mind wouldn't undergo all this shit and lead him to act delinquently. Stupid girl.