I know I will be starting my period soon, my boobs have been hurting for the past couple of days. I went skinny dipping in my pool today. I didn't each much today. I cried a lot today. I imposed myself today. I feel really alone... I can't wait for school to start so I can fill my head with knowledge to preoccupy my circling brain. The endless questions of WHY.
I can't wait to have another meaningful connection. I feel that it is becoming harder and harder.
I went to my old art teacher's website yesterday and read a lot of his stuff. He's a writer and a painter and an activist... why you ask, and for what? Because his daughter was on anti-depressants and committed suicide by walking into the BART tunnel as the train was arriving. She was 21. He had this beautiful prose about how she would light up the living room, and how now he has a crystal hanging in the sunlight that produces dancing rainbows, and in no way compares to her radiance. And how he hasn't the words to describe his pain and loss.
I cried a lot.
He is an activist for keeping the "circle" intact with doctors to patients or something. How the certain drug she was taking is very known to cause suicidal thoughts. I've always found that hard to understand, how a drug can cause suicidal thoughts, if she's on anti-depressants, and she "was" depressed, was she not already thinking harmful thoughts like that? So the drug, while making her "happier" ended up killing her? There were beautiful pictures of them together. It only happened about five years go. He is remarried and has a two year old son.
Shit like this does not make me ever want to have kids or even pets. With life comes death... with love comes loss... Sometimes I think there is no way in hell I'd be able to handle that again and again and again, and it's not even at the worst part yet. I've had relatives die off consecutively like dominos and my parents haven't been reached yet. One of my cousins in Miami died two days. She was in her sixties, but her parents are in their nineties. One has dementia the other some kind of heart condition. She just up and died at the hospital. The breaking news is that she had leukemia the whole time and either knew and didn't tell anyone, or didn't know and it took over her body in a snap. She was always so nice to me... Some family members think she was a lesbian.
ALL ALONE IS ALL WE ARE......
My eyes are tired, droopy. I do not feel the need or urge or energy to call a friend when needed, because I simply don't trust anyone. No one... Not anymore, and I don't know what happened. When someone's defense is put up, and their arrogance and competition seeps out and enters through your pores it envelopes you, like you are standing on a small peice of land surrounded by molten lava and like, fire breathing dragons. I feel so easily threatened by some people, I ask, where is the love? Where is the consideration? Why have we melted down to expectations? Why must one prove to oneself or anotherself anything at all? Why can't we just be and be alright with it? - just accept and move on.
Why do I slip back into this bullshit? That's all it is, is bullshit.
Sometimes I wonder when the day that I fully stop talking to the people that are in my life right now is, how different my life will be, harder or easier, but what it will be like? How I will straight up forget the people that play roles in my life at this particular moment. How sad is that? Who knows if my best friend now will still be my best friend. What awful happening will occur to terminate our friendship? Or will I acquire a Plantoic life partner? I feel that I will not. I feel that I will be on my own this whole time.
But what happens if you fall in love? Devastation.
When will drugs and alcohol stop being a part of my life?
When will I stop PMSing? When I turn about fourty and have to start dealing with menopause... after that what? That's only about thirty years away... that's in no time at all. What will I be doing in the mean time? What ever will I do if something good happens and then it goes bad?
I don't remember the last time I woke up happy, like truly.
Well, I do. It was when I was with Brett. It was during the summer and I woke up with a fucking smile on my face and I called him, he came over, greeted me in my bed and we lay there. I don't remember what happened that day, but I woke up and thought, "So this is what it's like to be happy."
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