Everything I need and want isn't mine. It is scattered about the planet, underneath rocks and at sea bottoms and mountain peaks. Why don't they understand that?
"I'm just trying to figure out why you're so fucking crazy." - The one and only sister I have.
It's just a tiff right, nothing to worry about, nothing to fight for, nothing to think to much about.
I'm over this. I've tried way too hard this whole time and for absolutely nothing.
I think I've ruined my self-image to her forever, I think I've finally lost myself and may never get it back. All I have are an average of 2.5 other people [(non-family members) interchangeable] and domesticated animals.
I can't see or feel the line between either this or this... I don't even know what the two sides are... I thought there wasn't supposed to be sides? Isn't she supposed to be the one person that is there for me? ESPECIALLY if (the situation:) I'm going to a show in La Jolla and POSSIBLY meeting a girl I've been talking to over the internet for about a month now.
This is so utterly pointless it fucking kills me.
The word crazy comes to mind. They all think I'm god damn crazy.
It's official: I'm unhappy. But how am I going to fix it?
Cesar is picking me up to smoke right now. Temporary never meant never.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Excessive sleeping habits
Right now I am talking to an old friend... Jordan.
I miss her.
I have nothing else to say.
I feel numb today.
My dad left for overseas again today. I went down to say goodbye and he turned his back and walked out saying see you later. No hug. What if.... no I won't start with that. Isn't he the one.... no I won't start with that.
I miss her.
I have nothing else to say.
I feel numb today.
My dad left for overseas again today. I went down to say goodbye and he turned his back and walked out saying see you later. No hug. What if.... no I won't start with that. Isn't he the one.... no I won't start with that.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I am feeling ridiculously sensitive today....
I know I will be starting my period soon, my boobs have been hurting for the past couple of days. I went skinny dipping in my pool today. I didn't each much today. I cried a lot today. I imposed myself today. I feel really alone... I can't wait for school to start so I can fill my head with knowledge to preoccupy my circling brain. The endless questions of WHY.
I can't wait to have another meaningful connection. I feel that it is becoming harder and harder.
I went to my old art teacher's website yesterday and read a lot of his stuff. He's a writer and a painter and an activist... why you ask, and for what? Because his daughter was on anti-depressants and committed suicide by walking into the BART tunnel as the train was arriving. She was 21. He had this beautiful prose about how she would light up the living room, and how now he has a crystal hanging in the sunlight that produces dancing rainbows, and in no way compares to her radiance. And how he hasn't the words to describe his pain and loss.
I cried a lot.
He is an activist for keeping the "circle" intact with doctors to patients or something. How the certain drug she was taking is very known to cause suicidal thoughts. I've always found that hard to understand, how a drug can cause suicidal thoughts, if she's on anti-depressants, and she "was" depressed, was she not already thinking harmful thoughts like that? So the drug, while making her "happier" ended up killing her? There were beautiful pictures of them together. It only happened about five years go. He is remarried and has a two year old son.
Shit like this does not make me ever want to have kids or even pets. With life comes death... with love comes loss... Sometimes I think there is no way in hell I'd be able to handle that again and again and again, and it's not even at the worst part yet. I've had relatives die off consecutively like dominos and my parents haven't been reached yet. One of my cousins in Miami died two days. She was in her sixties, but her parents are in their nineties. One has dementia the other some kind of heart condition. She just up and died at the hospital. The breaking news is that she had leukemia the whole time and either knew and didn't tell anyone, or didn't know and it took over her body in a snap. She was always so nice to me... Some family members think she was a lesbian.
ALL ALONE IS ALL WE ARE......
My eyes are tired, droopy. I do not feel the need or urge or energy to call a friend when needed, because I simply don't trust anyone. No one... Not anymore, and I don't know what happened. When someone's defense is put up, and their arrogance and competition seeps out and enters through your pores it envelopes you, like you are standing on a small peice of land surrounded by molten lava and like, fire breathing dragons. I feel so easily threatened by some people, I ask, where is the love? Where is the consideration? Why have we melted down to expectations? Why must one prove to oneself or anotherself anything at all? Why can't we just be and be alright with it? - just accept and move on.
Why do I slip back into this bullshit? That's all it is, is bullshit.
Sometimes I wonder when the day that I fully stop talking to the people that are in my life right now is, how different my life will be, harder or easier, but what it will be like? How I will straight up forget the people that play roles in my life at this particular moment. How sad is that? Who knows if my best friend now will still be my best friend. What awful happening will occur to terminate our friendship? Or will I acquire a Plantoic life partner? I feel that I will not. I feel that I will be on my own this whole time.
But what happens if you fall in love? Devastation.
When will drugs and alcohol stop being a part of my life?
When will I stop PMSing? When I turn about fourty and have to start dealing with menopause... after that what? That's only about thirty years away... that's in no time at all. What will I be doing in the mean time? What ever will I do if something good happens and then it goes bad?
I don't remember the last time I woke up happy, like truly.
Well, I do. It was when I was with Brett. It was during the summer and I woke up with a fucking smile on my face and I called him, he came over, greeted me in my bed and we lay there. I don't remember what happened that day, but I woke up and thought, "So this is what it's like to be happy."
I can't wait to have another meaningful connection. I feel that it is becoming harder and harder.
I went to my old art teacher's website yesterday and read a lot of his stuff. He's a writer and a painter and an activist... why you ask, and for what? Because his daughter was on anti-depressants and committed suicide by walking into the BART tunnel as the train was arriving. She was 21. He had this beautiful prose about how she would light up the living room, and how now he has a crystal hanging in the sunlight that produces dancing rainbows, and in no way compares to her radiance. And how he hasn't the words to describe his pain and loss.
I cried a lot.
He is an activist for keeping the "circle" intact with doctors to patients or something. How the certain drug she was taking is very known to cause suicidal thoughts. I've always found that hard to understand, how a drug can cause suicidal thoughts, if she's on anti-depressants, and she "was" depressed, was she not already thinking harmful thoughts like that? So the drug, while making her "happier" ended up killing her? There were beautiful pictures of them together. It only happened about five years go. He is remarried and has a two year old son.
Shit like this does not make me ever want to have kids or even pets. With life comes death... with love comes loss... Sometimes I think there is no way in hell I'd be able to handle that again and again and again, and it's not even at the worst part yet. I've had relatives die off consecutively like dominos and my parents haven't been reached yet. One of my cousins in Miami died two days. She was in her sixties, but her parents are in their nineties. One has dementia the other some kind of heart condition. She just up and died at the hospital. The breaking news is that she had leukemia the whole time and either knew and didn't tell anyone, or didn't know and it took over her body in a snap. She was always so nice to me... Some family members think she was a lesbian.
ALL ALONE IS ALL WE ARE......
My eyes are tired, droopy. I do not feel the need or urge or energy to call a friend when needed, because I simply don't trust anyone. No one... Not anymore, and I don't know what happened. When someone's defense is put up, and their arrogance and competition seeps out and enters through your pores it envelopes you, like you are standing on a small peice of land surrounded by molten lava and like, fire breathing dragons. I feel so easily threatened by some people, I ask, where is the love? Where is the consideration? Why have we melted down to expectations? Why must one prove to oneself or anotherself anything at all? Why can't we just be and be alright with it? - just accept and move on.
Why do I slip back into this bullshit? That's all it is, is bullshit.
Sometimes I wonder when the day that I fully stop talking to the people that are in my life right now is, how different my life will be, harder or easier, but what it will be like? How I will straight up forget the people that play roles in my life at this particular moment. How sad is that? Who knows if my best friend now will still be my best friend. What awful happening will occur to terminate our friendship? Or will I acquire a Plantoic life partner? I feel that I will not. I feel that I will be on my own this whole time.
But what happens if you fall in love? Devastation.
When will drugs and alcohol stop being a part of my life?
When will I stop PMSing? When I turn about fourty and have to start dealing with menopause... after that what? That's only about thirty years away... that's in no time at all. What will I be doing in the mean time? What ever will I do if something good happens and then it goes bad?
I don't remember the last time I woke up happy, like truly.
Well, I do. It was when I was with Brett. It was during the summer and I woke up with a fucking smile on my face and I called him, he came over, greeted me in my bed and we lay there. I don't remember what happened that day, but I woke up and thought, "So this is what it's like to be happy."
Good shows coming to SoCal, how ever will I afford thee?
Good Old War - Hollywood
Marilyn Manson - Pomona
Modest Mouse - Anaheim
Band of Horses - Pomona
Modest Mouse and Band of Horses are playing on the same night, which BLOWS. I think I will choose the cheaper show, but then again, I have seen Modest Mouse before and I'd rather see Band of Horses. I want to take my sister to see Marilyn... he's been a good guy to us. I've already established the Good Old War show with Taren.
I have less than $800 to spend in the East. I'll be broke by the time I come back.
Vivid Dreams
I was crying in my sleep last night! Fully aware of it, I could not snap myself out of it... I was rolling around in my bed, looking at the windows through tears and crusty mascara, I was even frowning my face and shaking my head. My dream was not one of sadness, but of frustration, misunderstandings, communication breakdowns...
I was at some sort of camp and there were some characters there from the movie I saw last night, "Sin Nombre." That movie was pretty great, raw, and uncensored (to the fullest extent... rape scenes, screams, suspense, threats, killings, blood, guts, honor... blah blah blah). Anyway, the person in my dream looked like El Casper (haha) from the movie. We were in the woods at some log cabin and everyone was there, but I don't know who. My sister I think, Jen's mom...
I couldn't begin to explain what was frustrating about it, what we were there doing, why I was so upset.... But I cried a few times in the movie, covered my eyes, couldn't catch my breath! IT WAS SO SAD
"Money is the source of all evil"
I am amused by egos. When I meet an overbearing ego it reminds me of my last Yoga teacher. I bet you she was a Pisces. If money is the source of all evil why would one fight to the death of it? Isn't that the reason why it is so evil?
I was at some sort of camp and there were some characters there from the movie I saw last night, "Sin Nombre." That movie was pretty great, raw, and uncensored (to the fullest extent... rape scenes, screams, suspense, threats, killings, blood, guts, honor... blah blah blah). Anyway, the person in my dream looked like El Casper (haha) from the movie. We were in the woods at some log cabin and everyone was there, but I don't know who. My sister I think, Jen's mom...
I couldn't begin to explain what was frustrating about it, what we were there doing, why I was so upset.... But I cried a few times in the movie, covered my eyes, couldn't catch my breath! IT WAS SO SAD
"Money is the source of all evil"
I am amused by egos. When I meet an overbearing ego it reminds me of my last Yoga teacher. I bet you she was a Pisces. If money is the source of all evil why would one fight to the death of it? Isn't that the reason why it is so evil?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
See you soon, under the moon...
School is ah-coming.
Seventeen units... two English classes, botany, human sexuality, and MATH.
YAAAH
my sister just said, "ugh, my asshole."
because she's on a cleanse.
I flaked out on my cleanse. I should just make lemonade with tha lemonz.
I've been spending the last few nights alone in the dark, engulfed by the thing I hate the most, the tv... all the while muttering to myself, "Why am I watching this... I hate this..."
But I wasn't in the mood to read, there's no light in my room.
I wasn't in the mood to paint because there are too many people around.
I wasn't in the mood to call anyone cause the last thing I wanna do is sit in a car with the windows rolled up.
I just wasn't in the mood for anything but something lovely. That warmth you get from another person. Sometimes it just stops completely and becomes and extreme.
Right now I feel extremely introverted. Shell's getting harder and more petrified. Fossilized.
"I think that I will turn around and notice the wind blowing tops of trees
I'll see the way the world begins to need color everywhere
And I'll realize how small I really am
And then I'll spin right back around" - saves the day
Seventeen units... two English classes, botany, human sexuality, and MATH.
YAAAH
my sister just said, "ugh, my asshole."
because she's on a cleanse.
I flaked out on my cleanse. I should just make lemonade with tha lemonz.
I've been spending the last few nights alone in the dark, engulfed by the thing I hate the most, the tv... all the while muttering to myself, "Why am I watching this... I hate this..."
But I wasn't in the mood to read, there's no light in my room.
I wasn't in the mood to paint because there are too many people around.
I wasn't in the mood to call anyone cause the last thing I wanna do is sit in a car with the windows rolled up.
I just wasn't in the mood for anything but something lovely. That warmth you get from another person. Sometimes it just stops completely and becomes and extreme.
Right now I feel extremely introverted. Shell's getting harder and more petrified. Fossilized.
"I think that I will turn around and notice the wind blowing tops of trees
I'll see the way the world begins to need color everywhere
And I'll realize how small I really am
And then I'll spin right back around" - saves the day
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Feeling peculiar...
I felt anxious leaving my house today.
Agoraphobia?
baaaaah
Feeling quite peculiar.
On the drive home I had many thoughts. They were all going my really fast. I've noticed a lot of the same thoughts reoccurring in my head. I think a lot about certain things. And those are the things that are consuming me at the time. Those thoughts have various possible out comes, premeditated in my head. If one thing goes this way, act this way.
I feel like I have different levels of privacy. Two electronic journals, two online profiles, a note book... Sifted thoughts enter some. Some become realities. Thoughts once dreams appear illustrated before my eyes. The world is so beautiful it is false, all the nooks and crannies, and processes, and communication, and people... all the beautiful people! These dreams aren't necessarily good or bad, positive or negative advances, but just occurrences, consequences, examples, warnings...
False impressions: inescapable?
I think I am not a good driver because I was never good at video games. I feel like I have had a lot of very close accidents occur, when I give up, just slam on the breaks, and hope that the trash can will just fly over me, and it would be over with. That I'd hit the ditch and fuck up my car and have to deal with it. That I'd hit a dog or a person even, and I feel ready for that consequence. I feel prepared to deal with the worst case scenario. At least for a little while.
I have a band-aid on my forehead.
I saw Cory Fabulous' house today for the first time. Cool little spot in the Orange Circle, room mates, cool decor... It was a nice warm, welcoming place for sure. The windows were cool, and he had to-the-floor curtains, a semi shitty used couch, but comfy, a coffee table that didn't match the entertainment center... I loved it! It was so homey.
"I felt that everyone there was there to judge me. But then I realized that must have been a false impression" the Stranger.....page....
tired... of thinking, living.... at the moment! I can't say I've ever felt this way beore.
Constant reaching out
Capitalism
Agoraphobia?
baaaaah
Feeling quite peculiar.
On the drive home I had many thoughts. They were all going my really fast. I've noticed a lot of the same thoughts reoccurring in my head. I think a lot about certain things. And those are the things that are consuming me at the time. Those thoughts have various possible out comes, premeditated in my head. If one thing goes this way, act this way.
I feel like I have different levels of privacy. Two electronic journals, two online profiles, a note book... Sifted thoughts enter some. Some become realities. Thoughts once dreams appear illustrated before my eyes. The world is so beautiful it is false, all the nooks and crannies, and processes, and communication, and people... all the beautiful people! These dreams aren't necessarily good or bad, positive or negative advances, but just occurrences, consequences, examples, warnings...
False impressions: inescapable?
I think I am not a good driver because I was never good at video games. I feel like I have had a lot of very close accidents occur, when I give up, just slam on the breaks, and hope that the trash can will just fly over me, and it would be over with. That I'd hit the ditch and fuck up my car and have to deal with it. That I'd hit a dog or a person even, and I feel ready for that consequence. I feel prepared to deal with the worst case scenario. At least for a little while.
I have a band-aid on my forehead.
I saw Cory Fabulous' house today for the first time. Cool little spot in the Orange Circle, room mates, cool decor... It was a nice warm, welcoming place for sure. The windows were cool, and he had to-the-floor curtains, a semi shitty used couch, but comfy, a coffee table that didn't match the entertainment center... I loved it! It was so homey.
"I felt that everyone there was there to judge me. But then I realized that must have been a false impression" the Stranger.....page....
tired... of thinking, living.... at the moment! I can't say I've ever felt this way beore.
Constant reaching out
Capitalism
Depressing music helps warm me up.
I was extremely hung over this morning after last night's ridicularity. I think I just made up that word... hell yes.
Backtracking before I forget--
Joe texted me the other night saying that I was right about him, that he's a prick, and that he wants to apologize and maybe he'll see me around. HA! I knew I was right... that mother fucker.
Anyways, last night everyone got pretty drunk. I drank too too much... broke my face, broke a wine glass, Cesar broke a bottle... classy with wine. I left the hot tub on all night. Fuck.
My parents probably think I'm crazy. I woke up because Cesar came over to get his car, then with out a second look we went to the beach with Nickole and Travis. No brushing of teeth... I felt like a bum and all I wanted to do was drink after the head ache went away. The ocean water was AMAZING today. I love water.
I hung out with an old friend tonight. I had to fake laugh through the night, say "whatever, man" way too many times. All I could think about were the times I spent there, with him and how now he is with her. It makes me boil sometimes... Left at a simmer, I can just cover it up... the pressure grows eventually to a piercing whistle.
There were two owls on the neighbor's house today. They were SO CUTE! They were a mating couple, one was screeching at the other one and the other one faced its back to the courtier, pretending not to listen... I know that too well.
I don't want to make any friends once school starts. I fear that.
I fear going back to school... I have lost all motivation. I am 'alright' with this... I am settling...
.......
:(
There is a blank think bubble above my head.
There is a sideways emoticon constantly on my face.
Word soup dribbles out the sides of my mouth.
I hate hyoomanz
Backtracking before I forget--
Joe texted me the other night saying that I was right about him, that he's a prick, and that he wants to apologize and maybe he'll see me around. HA! I knew I was right... that mother fucker.
Anyways, last night everyone got pretty drunk. I drank too too much... broke my face, broke a wine glass, Cesar broke a bottle... classy with wine. I left the hot tub on all night. Fuck.
My parents probably think I'm crazy. I woke up because Cesar came over to get his car, then with out a second look we went to the beach with Nickole and Travis. No brushing of teeth... I felt like a bum and all I wanted to do was drink after the head ache went away. The ocean water was AMAZING today. I love water.
I hung out with an old friend tonight. I had to fake laugh through the night, say "whatever, man" way too many times. All I could think about were the times I spent there, with him and how now he is with her. It makes me boil sometimes... Left at a simmer, I can just cover it up... the pressure grows eventually to a piercing whistle.
There were two owls on the neighbor's house today. They were SO CUTE! They were a mating couple, one was screeching at the other one and the other one faced its back to the courtier, pretending not to listen... I know that too well.
I don't want to make any friends once school starts. I fear that.
I fear going back to school... I have lost all motivation. I am 'alright' with this... I am settling...
.......
:(
There is a blank think bubble above my head.
There is a sideways emoticon constantly on my face.
Word soup dribbles out the sides of my mouth.
I hate hyoomanz
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Quick Jot
It's bad to avoid eye contact, isn't it?
That means a whole heap of shit. All pointing to the same insecurity/inability/fear...?
The wall is getting higher and higher, rising, I'll be stuck soon. I feel like I am waiting here...
I feel like if I lived on my own, certain things would not be shown in the interest of others... I feel a lack of privacy, but that's impossible... I find a lack of motive, care, respect????
:sweat:
I hate everyone except you five people.
I get invited to this show, I (try and) bail about two hours before hand, bail over a text message, get a call and a ride and an offer to buy the ticket... how could I refuse? Could I refuse? Can I still say that I hate people after something like that? Can I say that I hate the people because I can't handle them, or because they can't handle me?
Can I say that... I feel a coldness?
It's hot as fuck.
I am dark from the sun.
I feel a love, distant.
I feel a distant fire burning, glowing in the mist, amongst the dust.
I'm laying here sweaty.
I just exist.
That means a whole heap of shit. All pointing to the same insecurity/inability/fear...?
The wall is getting higher and higher, rising, I'll be stuck soon. I feel like I am waiting here...
I feel like if I lived on my own, certain things would not be shown in the interest of others... I feel a lack of privacy, but that's impossible... I find a lack of motive, care, respect????
:sweat:
I hate everyone except you five people.
I get invited to this show, I (try and) bail about two hours before hand, bail over a text message, get a call and a ride and an offer to buy the ticket... how could I refuse? Could I refuse? Can I still say that I hate people after something like that? Can I say that I hate the people because I can't handle them, or because they can't handle me?
Can I say that... I feel a coldness?
It's hot as fuck.
I am dark from the sun.
I feel a love, distant.
I feel a distant fire burning, glowing in the mist, amongst the dust.
I'm laying here sweaty.
I just exist.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
To abject...
"I must be gone and live, or stay and die" - Shakespeare
I kind of feel like I'm dying, is that bad? (in the sense of staying)
I don't know what really inspired me to write in here.
I miss NorCal... I keep saying "hella" in honor of...
"All your friends seem like enemies, when you're broken down and empty" - City and Colour
_____
I have a lot of different emotions swarming through my head lately. I feel stuck here all over again, but I cower at another approach, in fear of something like failure? That is so vague... I am not cowardly... I've done it before. Then I see... I get ahead of myself and realize this... that time takes forever but it's over in a snap... I have to be patient.
I feel lost all over again...
I feel sad...
I feel love, but am unable to express it...
I see my mother, depressed. It's sad. It affects me. Everyone down here is miserable it seems. I scolded myself for being selfish... I still feel it. I have seen myself defend the Devil's advocate constantly. I have to dig for joy and happiness, it comes in short doses and vanishes before my eyes. I read a lot today though, that was nice. The book is quite a depressing one, haunting sort of. It's numbing. Is not apathy worse than hate...?
Dreading work and school, responsibility, expectations, motivation, devastation, repetition...
A loyal Leo in sight... a withdrawn child, intimidated. I drank a whole bottle of wine the other day. Does white wine have less alcohol than red? I find happiness and glee in music. Once the song stops it is another story. Is there a fine line between desperate and hopeful? forgiving and guilty?
"The whole world is waitin' to see when you fall" - Saves the Day
I kind of feel like I'm dying, is that bad? (in the sense of staying)
I don't know what really inspired me to write in here.
I miss NorCal... I keep saying "hella" in honor of...
"All your friends seem like enemies, when you're broken down and empty" - City and Colour
_____
I have a lot of different emotions swarming through my head lately. I feel stuck here all over again, but I cower at another approach, in fear of something like failure? That is so vague... I am not cowardly... I've done it before. Then I see... I get ahead of myself and realize this... that time takes forever but it's over in a snap... I have to be patient.
I feel lost all over again...
I feel sad...
I feel love, but am unable to express it...
I see my mother, depressed. It's sad. It affects me. Everyone down here is miserable it seems. I scolded myself for being selfish... I still feel it. I have seen myself defend the Devil's advocate constantly. I have to dig for joy and happiness, it comes in short doses and vanishes before my eyes. I read a lot today though, that was nice. The book is quite a depressing one, haunting sort of. It's numbing. Is not apathy worse than hate...?
Dreading work and school, responsibility, expectations, motivation, devastation, repetition...
A loyal Leo in sight... a withdrawn child, intimidated. I drank a whole bottle of wine the other day. Does white wine have less alcohol than red? I find happiness and glee in music. Once the song stops it is another story. Is there a fine line between desperate and hopeful? forgiving and guilty?
"The whole world is waitin' to see when you fall" - Saves the Day
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