Some silly lyric.

My life is about to change drastically!

For a second there I had an alternative lifestyle staring me in the face, about to happen, but it didn't. There was so chemistry, it was all forced action and no coaxing or caressing. She wishes me "all the happiness is the world," as if my heart was the one that was broken, and as if I was the one who was left hanging. After this whole scenario, I laugh. That was quite possibly the most childish thing I have gone through in a while. The second being fucking someone at my work. She wasn't that big of a difference 'cause she's just at another store.

But now I have really nothing to worry about because I'm leaving the city in a month! But I'm okay with taking thus blame because I can't say that I'm fully surprised that what happened did. I was so eager to try and experience that once it happened, I was fine with leaving it that way. Done. Did. We weren't even friends before, like true close friends. It just happened so fast and so planned.

It's not even a figment of my imagination anymore.

In two weeks he will be up here! In three weeks or so after that I will be gone from this place! This place so familiar that I have called my home for nearly a year... It will just vanish in front of me 'til I return again ad continue the adventure.

I can't wait to see him... I will be out of a car that whole weekend because my parents are taking it home to fix it or something... who knows what they're really getting themselves into. All I know is that I have to begin packing. So all of my decorations that serve no function will be hauled eight hours away from me for weeks. Meaning, all of my books, tapestries, art, good half of my clothes collection, plates, cooking devices.... I want to fill my car up fully. It can happen. There is a lot of air space back there.

--
We talk on the phone about everyday, text message through out the day at least. Sappy things like, "Ah, I fucking miss you." Ha ha. It makes me smile. He calls me all the names I've wanted to be called, and now I can say them to him. I'm just waiting for the conversation preceding the I love yous. It's coming.
He can tell when I am high I think. We talked on the phone last night and I was super lit, and totally acting like it. I get in such a weird place when I'm high sometimes. I just feel aware of a lot of things I would not normally be aware of sober. I feel overly observant and picky and annoyed by absolutely everything. I feel motionless and less motivational. I feel used in every aspect and degraded. He could tell.... All I want to do is make love and lay next to each other and love each other.

"If we get serious then I'm down for that too. If not then that's okay I'll just probably get my heart broken, which is fine"

There is so much that could happen with us. I can see us being together for over five years totally in love and adding thumb tacks to a map of the world together and experiencing everything together. I feel that if we give each other a chance we can change a lot about each other. I feel like we are such best friends that something like that could eventually happen...

AH
.

Right now I'm reading Hemmingway and there is this couple. They are so in love but they just can't be together. Lady Brett is a whore pretty much, and the speaker is pathetic, lacking the one thing a woman "needs."

I cut my finger and I have a hunch that it is going to get sickeningly infected and could only be resolved by amputating it.
I love thee, amputeeeeee.

Time is getting shorter

I have some friends back home, and I'm more than excited to see them. It's been years for some.

Right now I'm listening to Fugazi and it's.... amazing. To say the least. If only one more person was here next to me listening to the same, it'd be even more amazing. Sharing appreciation for things is nice. It's not even group philosophizing or arguing, it's appreciation, and shared happiness.

I've gotten to an apathetic point, worse than autopilot. I tried sleeping away my morning and now I have only one hour before work. Hours of sleep not fully permitted......

A summer full of sleep, and empty of responsibility and pay awaits me in t-minus a month and a half? I was thinking about quitting Trader Joe's altogether, but that would probably be a horrible move. But oh, the satisfaction that would follow that...

Two loves at Coachella this weekend, bth of which called me on the set of Paul McCartney. I'd fucking die and cry and shit my pants if I was there. I'll probably never be able to see him perform :(

Dude. Fugazi.

Crossin' Paths

I'm excited for this to happen, but I just want it to happen already. I frustrate myself with the waiting. I feel that if I continued to forget him, and let' just say I was in another long term serious relationship, and he somehow popped up again (which he totally would) I would find myself unfaithful. I'm glad that we're going through this together - if it doesn't work out, then at least we tried and then there will be no room for mystery, and all of our questions will be answered.

I am envious of everyone that is going to Coachella this weekend - Joe!

I hate to admit it, but I'm happier already, and it's seeping through the telephone wires; it's 'cause of him. I'm finding clearer skies in my head through someone else and I've been dreading that. I'm already learning from myself and noticing what I've been doing wrong (not that I haven't known all along). But I'm still fucking up in school - dgaf.

I can't wait for this to just happen already. I can't wait to see him and shower him in kisses and love and hugs! I can't wait to show someone else my passion and for them to believe it. I can't wait to be involved and to be connected, I'm excited to be raw with someone else. I'm just excited for what awaits me in the next months. If it happens, he'll be up here in like a couple weeks for a short, much needed visit.

I had an indifferent birthday, but it was fully memorable. No one has ever put together a shin dig on my behalf, it made me happy.

And I saw my friend from high school, who has changed so much! He's only a year younger than I am but I feel like he's my little brother somehow. I've seen him change a lot. There was a point where a normal conversation with him was just about impossible 'cause of the crawling ants in the pants or giggling at sexual comments - it's funny though. I had a good time hanging out with him and I hope it happens again soon.

Pay day twice today. One from the government and one from the caregivers. A tax less $35 in hand and toward CDs or drinks. A happy gal today, indeed. :)

Hills like white elephants.

I want him so bad! Just a hug, a quick anything.

Just a four hour span of airporting, and making out, and returning to work. That would be amazing! He calls me babe.

I feel a warm happiness inside, just waiting to flutter and bloom, come summer.

I think I'm going to fuck up this semester. I lost all motivation. I had a project for journalism that I've known about for two weeks, and it's due tomorrow, and I didn't do it. I got a D on my anthro midterm. Looks like I'll be getting an A in painting, yoga, and perhaps a B in History (or Herstory). And realistically, a W in j and a.

Ugh.
Everyone needs one semester to fuck up right?

Sometimes I feel weak when I let my personal problems get involved with my obligations, like work and school. I feel silly for implementing my personal life in that shit. It's unneeded.

I talked to Brett today.

My mind is less frustrated when he's in my head. He puts me in a good place... ew.

"Don't you worry, there's still time." - Tegan and Sara

<3

I'm crazy about him! We're crazy about each other!

I talked to an old friend today online, and we're going to meet up tomorrow and I'm going to show him SF 'cause he thinks it's depressing.

I was home alone for a couple hours today and now it seems to be time for bed. The girls came home a bit ago and slipped into loving darkness - how I yearn.

We talked on the phone today and I felt it through the wires. I could not help but smile. :)

Have you had a realization is the past 24 hours?

One of the most interesting of birthdays. A spontaneous celebration of the dearest of friends and people in my life at the moment. Jumbled towers, amazing game.

I ate a shroom and fell into my head. It's where I've been lately, a bit harder to explain.

I can't even begin to sort out my true thoughts. I feel like I've made a three hundred and sixty degree turn - back to where I came from. The only joy I can find in these beautiful sunny days are in music and art - none of which

With every yawn I excrete acceptance for the hatred in the world. I don't know what one would call it.
The mushroom

it seems like everyone around me is saying and talking about everything that's going on inside my head. i feel crazy

i feel obligated to so many things, I've been thinking about suicide lately, about the meaning of life and

TANGENT:

(ew this is weird I haven't IMed in a long time) um. so iate my shroom tonight and i wonder why there are just somet things i can't seem to wrap my mind around. like communication and technology. and journalism. journalism is the media, and the media is biasped bullshit,a dn i'd be writing and contributiong for and to that. equals brainwashing. i want to drop out of school and live a free life. i hate all this exclusive bullshit and grading schemes and shit. i feel paranoid. i feel insecure and vulnerable. i feel like i don't know what i wnt and everyone else out there wants something they can't have. but i want soemthing i can have but i refuse to let it happen. it's totally possible to be on good terms with my family (all memebrs of) and be mature and accepting about everything, all at one. but i'm not mature alone or to begin with.

i want to returnto animal tendencies and refelxes. school and work is too structured for me, i want to be young and innocent and wild fort he rest of my life

somethine about instant messaging,
it's acutally a valid form of communication, between friends, of course....
i should go now.

back to reality.

No Subject

"If I'm lost it's only for a little while" - Band of Horses
--
I have a feeling that the next two months are going to fly the fuck by.
and I didn't even go to any very dreaded work locations.
--
Weird memories keep popping up in my head.
--
My take on polyandry is out of the blue, I think. And all of a sudden
--
I went on a search for numbness after a night at work. I ended up doing yoga with my cubby-mate quite stoned. The walls had gooey layers and a transparent film. Friday night athome.
--
I've been rather clumsy lately meaning I'll be getting my period soon, ha ha. There are a bunch of drunk people outside being obnoxiously loud .
--
Ew my dad called me brute with electronics.
Ha.
--
Wow it's already midnight.

I think I don't think.

(cont.)

I think all I have to do is confess my present emotions. I want you, more than I realized until today. I think of you every day at least once and now I just have another weekend to remember. The conclusion is still unwritten.

I always thought it was weird when English teachers advise some to write the conclusion first and the introduction last. I'm sick and tired of not having a conclusion. I know what I want, but I 'm afraid of that, even though I've always known what I've wanted to happen between us.

But you love someone else, and I knew that but it didn't stop me. I want to be with him :(
Could it ever happen?

This is no longer innocent to me, it's much more. I have his CDs, and now a reason to meet again. Maybe if we start dying each others' hair that could be another reason.

Whenever I want him, he doesn't want me and vice versa.
I'm spending the day at my grandpa's house and with my family.

Back to tryin' to forget 'cause I can't be conscious.

Why do I do this to myself?

Why can't I just understand myself or know what it is I want?

It's pride, I think. What else could it be?

My heart is melting within my chest right now and the moths in my stomach are dusting my insides. They will be covered till we meet again.

I gave in and I don't know if it was the right thing.

I think I still love. I care a whole fucking lot. I can't get him out of my head, and it makes me want to cry sometimes.

I loved you.

Where can I start?

Orange County has been tripping me the fuck out ever since I got here. Nothing is really what I expected, surprises around every corner. But I feel amazing right now. Alone in a huge house, like I used to be all the time. Mom's at work, Dad's at work, sister's in school. Friends are around, technology, normalcy, nastolgia... just the way I left it.

We went to this bar called Group Therapy - I've been there before with old TJ's workers and it is possibly the jankiest bar (with the cleanest bathrooms) in Placentia. The bartender had braces and apologized for the mosquitos. "I don't know why they're in here!" she said. It's because the door was wide open, and the warm air dragged them to the light and the standing water. Um.

We drank beers and talked about everything.

He said he was proud of me for going to San Francisco, and told me about her. (I'm getting annoyed by my vagueness right now) He said my mannerisms were different and that I don't seem happy - and that I didn't seem happy before either. We were both tripping each other out.

We went to a viewpoint and talked more. I loved you. I wanted to make it work. We talked about past and present, and both agreed we had never seen each other on this plane. We have never had confrontation about anything. We confessed and remembered and reminisced. Then we kissed and kissed and kissed. And kissed... but that was it.

I feel like he's the only one that truly respects me for who and what I am. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad it's me," he said. It might be close to impossible to stay completely Platonic.

I can't get anything but a C on my journalism stories becasue I can't stick to the AP style guide. Fucking over it.
I can't help but fail my Anthropology tests.
I can't help but ditch my History class.
I can't help not making my painting class a priority.

I might regret this semester.
He said he regrets not making it work when he could have. He apologized for hurting me and I confessed to getting him back. It sounds toxic - it was well deserved and in the best intentions, of course. I haven't felt that way since years ago when we were okay. We might be okay again. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know and the tears were choking me.