It hurts to be reminded of myself

Oh ?
like eyes murdered in sin
oh did you forget
all the words you ever spit

love love love
this isn't it
love love love
you wouldn't know it
if it hit you

oh erase my name
from here on out
it's only pain
I can't tell you why
you hate me for living
won't let me die
-Giant Drag



I gave in!

I've spent the evening talking like I don't usually do and thinking to myself. I spent the evening quiet, at home. In my room. Something I never do and for some reason, always try to avoid. I feel safe here though. Feeling internal. I've been getting picked up from work by my parents lately, and dropped off. I spring thoughts on them and like to listen to their feedback. It's weird when I can predict the exact thing that they say. It's easier with my mom. She always has something clever to say, tonight she caught me with some new ones I haven't heard yet. Usually they are cliches, proverbs, tenacious... Clever though. My dad always says something in a strange tone of voice. What he says usually has an underlying hostility or arrogance... violence... it was making me smile today as it was happening. Just the terms that he comes up with... like the Bush dictionary, you know? I don't know if that really exists. But I feel like he feels confidence in intimidating people it doesn't really matter WHAT he says but HOW he says it and to WHO - it's just a sales technique. Psychology.

What if I have cancer?


I talked to an old friend today. I was thinking, calculating (makes me think of the lame guy from class last semester, the one with the hair and the bow tie, the one who used the words CALCULATIVE REASONING but this isn't that him) the months since we've met. It's been about a year, in November, or Thanksgiving. I miss the flashing lights he produced - the immediate indulgence I sought at any hour really, I knew he'd be there to answer. Because his hand was half-phone. If I get my thyroid fixed am I still going to think about things like this? Will the curing of my thyroid make me think differently?

Maybe I'll get scarification over my foot tattoo?


"A life with out love is like a year with out summer." - Swedish proverb (apparently)


"Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you? Am I making believe I see in you, a woman too perfect to be really true? Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you? Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream, or are you really as beautiful as you seem?" - Oscar Hammerstein II