I had wonderful dreams last night! They felt so real...
I was at Coachella, or some sort of music festival with familiar people I guess. I can't remember names or faces really. It was amazing though. I felt confident like I used to feel! I jumped from group to group to see performers at various stages, each stage had a different vibe. It's so hard to describe now, but I felt in love when I woke up this morning, finally woke up that is. I think I was with Stacey, she was definitely there.
There were about three men in my dream. Each of which I had a fling with for a minute. One of them looked like the friend from 13 Going on 30 (ha). He was my favorite. We talked easily, and hugged and kissed and had no problem hearing each other over the loud music and night sky. I remember leaving him on the grass to go get something or someone, came back and he was sleeping (haha, at a concert). I jumped on top of him and kissed him awake, we flirted. It was so awesome! I remember leaving him, thinking I'd see him again at some point, not even getting his name. It was so easy to talk we didn't even get down to the basics: name, age, hometown, major... nothing like that. We were living in the now, at the festival, distracted by our surroundings and infatuated by each other! Dark short hair, dark eyes, light skin, toned muscles.... no height.. just perfect I think.
The next one's name was Randy I think. He looked like one of my old friend's boyfriend. I think it's peculiar because I just added her on facebook and got to viewing some pictures of her and her boyfriend, Kevin, who is not the most stunning of all men, but cute, funny, chubby nonetheless. He had a red goatee and a receeding hairline. We were flirting, at this point I was driving him around in some sort of car, he was in the passenger seat. Then all of a sudden we were making out, standing up. We were acting drunk in the sense we were openly flirting, acting aggressive and saying witty things about each other and eventually began making out, standing up. It was almost like a game of truth or dare... juvenille but sexy. So then I lifted his shirt up, revealing cuts all over his belly. No pattern really, just sets of lines of about three, diagonal mostly. They did not look fresh. He immediately started blushing and said something trying to hide it like, kiss my neck or something. Like don't bother with that... I don't remember what happened next but I instantly found myself with the first man again.
Still no name, we were sitting drinking beer at some sort of outdoor bar, and then Music For Animals walked up and took the booth next to us! Excited, I explained to him everything I knew about this band, about San Francisco and so on... Stacey was there at some point. He said he was leaving and coming back so it was nothing... but that was the last time I saw him! I didn't even get his name. I asked Stacey about him later, while we were back in the hotel room on the computer... I asked about old he was, thinking he'd be 30 at the most ('cause he looked like it) and she said he was 18 (haha) and single and lives in CT, so I'd never see him again. The weirdest sensation took over my body. Like love, loss, happiness, regret... tingling.
There was another one I think, but I can't remember now. It was such a great dream and had me smiling by myself, just thinking about it. It was so cheerful.
So that was reason #1 why this morning was great. The second reason is that my mom kissed me on the cheek in the early morning. We got in a large argument yesterday because I was pissed about her giving me a guilt trip and it went no where. Then she woke me up this morning telling me all this shit I had to take care of today, and then left my room, came back a second later, sat down on my bed and kissed me. It was so nice.
Then I took my sister to school and still in a very weird and conflicted mood. Conflicted because I was still so angry and morose from yesterday, but happy because of my dream. Then I dropped her off and on the drive back home I felt very right. I felt prepared for school, I felt happy from the dream, prepared to run into anyone and be alright to hold a normal conversation. Okay, not just anyone, but Brett. I just felt prepared. I did some thinking about money, how it is necessary but evil. Is evil necesary for good to exist? Is there always smoke when there is fire? In Irrational Man, it talks about putting personal experience over abstraction. Because that's all we know anyway...
I also smiled on the drive home because I was listening to Amy Winehouse. Then I started thinking about all the existentialists in the world. She is such an existentialist... Not seeing the point in wanting to go to rehab... releasing her soul in her amazing and strong voice... walking the streets of London on all these drugs, not giving a fuck... floating...
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Yesterday after my fight with my mom, I remember being so upset that they left the house before I got the chance to. They went to dinner or something. But after some staring off into space, I drove silently in my car to the nearest park. I parked my car, tried hard not to look troubled. Walked across the feild where teams were warming up, found a bench, looked around and saw upcoming peoples walking their dogs or children or other. I sat on the bench and filled a page and a half of my thoughts. All angry. I started out bashing the passerby and then I noticed that they took a different route. All the people I expected to pass me by went the other way because they were done walking I think. I remember being saddened that I couldn't see their faces up close. I was listening to music too, on my head phones.
After writing for a bit I took a walk forward, to the paved lanes around the "lake" near the 91 freeway. The smell was pretty bad, like rotten eggs. It's ok though, I figured I would just get used to it. So I kept walking forward, down the fake rocks made out of cement and got as close to the water as I could and posted it there for about an hour. I was smoking the cigarettes from CT that I had left. Half one here, a full one there... barely inhaling. Just something to do with my hands I guess. Something else to focus on.
I was listening to Something Corporate. Then I took one earphone out and started singing along, out loud. Harmonizing with Andrew, like he was next to me and we were jamming. The sky was pink and yellow and lavendar. The clouds were feathery, yet covered the entire sky. I couldn't see the sun. I was freezing in my shorts in the breeze. I stayed there for about an hour and thought that I'd go home. I went home to an empty dark house and tried to sleep. I layed in the dark for quite some time. I rejected my mom's offer to watch TV with her. "Fuck that, I thought."
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