Warmth

Can't heat symbolize love and hate? I feel the warmth coming from this side, and then extreme heat coming from another side. I like the warmth though, I want to turn it up so it feels better like actual light. I feel warmth more than I feel extreme heat, no matter how hot it is outside. A perfect 75-80 degrees.

I feel warmth and constant hunger for adventure. I feel good things more than bad things. I feel excited for whatever and I feel pleased for the most part. To bad that means something is just waiting to happen, meaning something is a-brewing as I type this, and the only thing I should do is await it patiently and be prepared for anything at all to disrupt this "routine" I have going at the moment. Today was a study day and so was yesterday.

Band of Horses was so awesome live (awesome used to mea horrible), and their new stuff sounds really fucking sweet. I think I like them better live, and I was expecting them to suck. What a mindset, going to a show expecting them to suck and maybe running into an enemy.

I had a dream that I went to Ireland with a lover and I saw Mr. Harrison there. I remember being scared because we were driving up this really steep and narrow hillside, with beautiful greenery everywhere, but no trees. Just hillsides of meadows and grass and bushes, but the car was driving way too fast and too crazy, getting too close to the edge. I remember covering my eyes and getting mad at the driver. Then we went to this lake or fishing area and Diana's two kids fell in and I jumped in and saved them ha ha. I remember seeing Mr. Harrison and telling someone and then ignoring him and being scared. We stayed in a hostile or a really old house that was white and wooden. It was so beautiful. It was like Ireland and France put together.

Tonight I hung out with a really cool person. I like to hang out with them, but half the time I couldn't tell you if I believed everything that came out of their mouth, or if I could trust them thoroughly. I guess that goes for everyone. Nevertheless, it was a peaceful night as it usually is, open doors and windows and toppled walls. Could it be superficial? I feel that it could be in the end, but it's not. I feel like I'd just rather. I feel like boundaries are set firmly, but subject to change... not in a sexual sense, but like old times. Every time it becomes less and less different and more familiar. I read something about familiar and another word that started with an F and it was interesting... it sucks that I really should read things twice each time because my head is only half-focusing most of the time, and I am in a completely different place or time.

Touch is comforting. It's just what you do to comfort and I feel the warmth, to me that is more genuine than any other action or words. Comfort is scary and materialistic and manufactured and created by the Greeks who some would say also created homosexuality....

From "Irrational Man"...

-"to philosophize is to learn to die..."

-contrast between doing and knowing

I think I should start reading a fiction story alongside this text of some sort.

SURPRISE!

What a mystery the internet is... page after endless paperless page, instant access, gratification, all your dreams, just a click away. It's like cable television. Anonymity.

I keep having these flashbacks of my life in San Francisco. It seems so far away. I keep thinking about the 29 stop on Ocean and Lee... Ingleside... The K and the T. The M. The flustered days and crazy nights. The comfort of going home to no one but me. The longing for unconditional love, and the gentle touch I took for granted. The trust that changed because I didn't trust myself...

"The world moves faster than I knew, not fast enough to not creep up on you"

You used to be alright... what happened?

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Being Responsible...

It's weird how slow time goes by when you're not worried about it. I always think that some sort of project will take much more time than it really needs, and when I'm not worrying about it it goes by faster as I utilize the time.

Right now I'm in the library at school. I left the math lab after an hour and completing my homework with an 85%. I decided to stop there because the tutors were not helpful at all. I ask for help, and they look at me. They explain nothing. LAME. I wish I got paid to sit in an air-conditioned room and "tutor" people. Bitches. Annoyed, but settled with mediocrity, what else is new?

I am supposed to read this short story but my book is still being delivered. It is too long to read on the computer and makes my eyes hurt. So I look for it in the library and they don't have it. Cool. I like how Fullerton spent like eleven million on this brand new library after tearing the old one down. I remember hearing last year when I went here that they had to get rid of a lot of books 'cause not all of them would fit in the new one. That makes no sense to me...

I woke up at seven in the morning.

I have menstrual cramps. My lower abdomen is bloated.

My hair is greasy and smelly and messy.

My shirt has a yellow paint spot in the middle of it when I painted a still life.

This crazy old man patriot in a wheelchair came up to me when I was sitting on the edge of a planter (after exiting the men's restroom 'cause I couldn't find the women's and was going to piss myself) and asked me why I was sitting there, and not more comfortably on a chair with a table, which was right in front of me? I laughed and said I was just sending this text message and then heading off to the library anyway. He said, "Have fun!" And then wheeled away into the men's restroom with his little American flag blowing in the wind behind him.

Now that THAT'S over....

Personal pretensions arise...

I feel a shifting of priorities. Last night was so reckless.

Creeping, lingering. I can be so naive sometimes. I feel like an episode will return in timelessness... Meaning I'll be having to plan each and every step I take not to disrupt the order? The one who interrupts with spontaneity will be the savior. Until then, I've got plans.

What if I had a disease that I had no idea about? I'm fucking starving but nothing sounds delicious right now. The only thing that sounds good is my sister coming home so I can leave with my car. She had a job interview today in Long Beach at some practice... lucky bitch!

I read some short stories this morning and did some math problems for a record 36 minutes before getting distracted.

-

"you're floating in between the waking world and a landscape of dreams" - saves the day

-

From Irrational Man:

"A recognition of limits, of boundaries, may be the only thing that prevents power from a dizzy collapse."

"Faith is an abyss that engulfs the rational nature of man."

"The human soul evolves like everything else in nature."

-idea of psychic containment (religion)

-iconoclasm

-externalization: "Journalism has become a great god of the period, and gods have a way of ruthlessly and demonically taking over their servitors."

-the great threat and great promise of modern life

-capitalism severs man from the earth

Whoa, my phone just got a billion text messages at once because I had to change telefonos.

Hunger pains, the hunger for love then pain, hunger for touch.

AHHH hA.. ShhaaaaHAKE

Everything has been turning up... Looking at things objectively helps for me, some may say that could be from a "higher place."

School worked out more than perfectly, my mood has been just amazing lately. I feel open minded and confident, cool, collected, and... just fine. I blame some of this on him, but there is nothing wrong with that. It was so good to see him, he makes me fucking smile and whenever I get sad, I can just think of him, one of the best friends I've ever had, and the sun moves a little out of the clouds for a minute, illuminating the good in the world. Is there more bad than good in the world? When you are in love, and the "bad outweighs the good" is when you know it's not working... But couldn't just a smidgen of good in an area of bad be enough? It's not so bad what he does for me, it's just love, and I don't think it'll go anywhere. He broke up with her, which was a relief for me, haha, because now we can hang out... My benefit right.

I applied at another grocery store today and the kid next to me who I let use my pen called it a "witchdoctor" store and he told me all about his "insane" neighbors who are really just hippies, I'm sure. He was funny, 17, in high school... damn, I still feel like that sometimes.

Hanging out with Brett and my sister was such a nice time... she even told me she'd like to do it again, that she's down to hang out with us whenever, which is cooooooocooooo katchoooo

I'm seeing Kings of Leon with everybody this Saturday. I hung out with Nickole last night. People can be alright... can is a verb though, meaning change...

These lyrics speak to me... in so many different ways.

"I used to see you every day
used to see you every day
I danced around your folk and soul
i danced to all your fucking soul
i left you with your nose a bleedin'
and your toes a creepin' around
ahhh so mundane and incomplete
hand my down my pants and get me off this street

I'm passed out in your garden
i'm in I can't get off so soft
I'd pop myself in your body
I'd come into your party, but i'm soft

Behind the fringe of a whiskey high
mutiliating cat like eyes
and in your nose blood decadence
you try to drag me into your bohemian dancing
you paint my fingers and you paint my toes
you let your perfect nipple show "

Listening to Paramore and dying my hair red...

how cliche.

Everything seems to be in shambles. I'm going out to lunch tomorrow with Brett and my sister, we're going to burn one before or after... Hopefully it goes swell. Swell ha.

It's just never enough.

The weirdest sensation came over me. Heart beating, hands shaking, uncontrollable limbs and volume of voice, my brain a cracked egg, just to top off the hamburger of my situation, oozing with the pressure, squirting out to all edges so evenly distributed. Bloody, dead, delicious.

It's not completely out of the question to feel the way I do/did, is it? I feel better after a sleep. I feel like now I can disregard everything. I'm so fucking selfish, that's what it is. Then what are they rest of you? Tests for me, computer programs talking to me, hardware, brand names, wireless.

I start school the day after tomorrow. I shall look forward to that. I am fucked for my job. I feel like I did in the summer of 2007. Lookin' for a job, happy turned sad, all the sadness bottled up in the back of my head. Then I ran away... I can't do that again.

when life's got me wrapped in a bind i get spinnin' on wine

LEAFY

What a beautiful morning!

I had wonderful dreams last night! They felt so real...

I was at Coachella, or some sort of music festival with familiar people I guess. I can't remember names or faces really. It was amazing though. I felt confident like I used to feel! I jumped from group to group to see performers at various stages, each stage had a different vibe. It's so hard to describe now, but I felt in love when I woke up this morning, finally woke up that is. I think I was with Stacey, she was definitely there.

There were about three men in my dream. Each of which I had a fling with for a minute. One of them looked like the friend from 13 Going on 30 (ha). He was my favorite. We talked easily, and hugged and kissed and had no problem hearing each other over the loud music and night sky. I remember leaving him on the grass to go get something or someone, came back and he was sleeping (haha, at a concert). I jumped on top of him and kissed him awake, we flirted. It was so awesome! I remember leaving him, thinking I'd see him again at some point, not even getting his name. It was so easy to talk we didn't even get down to the basics: name, age, hometown, major... nothing like that. We were living in the now, at the festival, distracted by our surroundings and infatuated by each other! Dark short hair, dark eyes, light skin, toned muscles.... no height.. just perfect I think.

The next one's name was Randy I think. He looked like one of my old friend's boyfriend. I think it's peculiar because I just added her on facebook and got to viewing some pictures of her and her boyfriend, Kevin, who is not the most stunning of all men, but cute, funny, chubby nonetheless. He had a red goatee and a receeding hairline. We were flirting, at this point I was driving him around in some sort of car, he was in the passenger seat. Then all of a sudden we were making out, standing up. We were acting drunk in the sense we were openly flirting, acting aggressive and saying witty things about each other and eventually began making out, standing up. It was almost like a game of truth or dare... juvenille but sexy. So then I lifted his shirt up, revealing cuts all over his belly. No pattern really, just sets of lines of about three, diagonal mostly. They did not look fresh. He immediately started blushing and said something trying to hide it like, kiss my neck or something. Like don't bother with that... I don't remember what happened next but I instantly found myself with the first man again.

Still no name, we were sitting drinking beer at some sort of outdoor bar, and then Music For Animals walked up and took the booth next to us! Excited, I explained to him everything I knew about this band, about San Francisco and so on... Stacey was there at some point. He said he was leaving and coming back so it was nothing... but that was the last time I saw him! I didn't even get his name. I asked Stacey about him later, while we were back in the hotel room on the computer... I asked about old he was, thinking he'd be 30 at the most ('cause he looked like it) and she said he was 18 (haha) and single and lives in CT, so I'd never see him again. The weirdest sensation took over my body. Like love, loss, happiness, regret... tingling.

There was another one I think, but I can't remember now. It was such a great dream and had me smiling by myself, just thinking about it. It was so cheerful.

So that was reason #1 why this morning was great. The second reason is that my mom kissed me on the cheek in the early morning. We got in a large argument yesterday because I was pissed about her giving me a guilt trip and it went no where. Then she woke me up this morning telling me all this shit I had to take care of today, and then left my room, came back a second later, sat down on my bed and kissed me. It was so nice.

Then I took my sister to school and still in a very weird and conflicted mood. Conflicted because I was still so angry and morose from yesterday, but happy because of my dream. Then I dropped her off and on the drive back home I felt very right. I felt prepared for school, I felt happy from the dream, prepared to run into anyone and be alright to hold a normal conversation. Okay, not just anyone, but Brett. I just felt prepared. I did some thinking about money, how it is necessary but evil. Is evil necesary for good to exist? Is there always smoke when there is fire? In Irrational Man, it talks about putting personal experience over abstraction. Because that's all we know anyway...

I also smiled on the drive home because I was listening to Amy Winehouse. Then I started thinking about all the existentialists in the world. She is such an existentialist... Not seeing the point in wanting to go to rehab... releasing her soul in her amazing and strong voice... walking the streets of London on all these drugs, not giving a fuck... floating...

---

Yesterday after my fight with my mom, I remember being so upset that they left the house before I got the chance to. They went to dinner or something. But after some staring off into space, I drove silently in my car to the nearest park. I parked my car, tried hard not to look troubled. Walked across the feild where teams were warming up, found a bench, looked around and saw upcoming peoples walking their dogs or children or other. I sat on the bench and filled a page and a half of my thoughts. All angry. I started out bashing the passerby and then I noticed that they took a different route. All the people I expected to pass me by went the other way because they were done walking I think. I remember being saddened that I couldn't see their faces up close. I was listening to music too, on my head phones.
After writing for a bit I took a walk forward, to the paved lanes around the "lake" near the 91 freeway. The smell was pretty bad, like rotten eggs. It's ok though, I figured I would just get used to it. So I kept walking forward, down the fake rocks made out of cement and got as close to the water as I could and posted it there for about an hour. I was smoking the cigarettes from CT that I had left. Half one here, a full one there... barely inhaling. Just something to do with my hands I guess. Something else to focus on.
I was listening to Something Corporate. Then I took one earphone out and started singing along, out loud. Harmonizing with Andrew, like he was next to me and we were jamming. The sky was pink and yellow and lavendar. The clouds were feathery, yet covered the entire sky. I couldn't see the sun. I was freezing in my shorts in the breeze. I stayed there for about an hour and thought that I'd go home. I went home to an empty dark house and tried to sleep. I layed in the dark for quite some time. I rejected my mom's offer to watch TV with her. "Fuck that, I thought."

not what it seems it's what you think it is

(cont.)

"The difference between life and art is art is more bearable." - Charles Bukowski

--

machinery of justice

--

empathy is a far-fetched request

--

tired limbs are useless far from home

--

unsleeping mind, a terrible whisper

--

there are too many of us. there are billions of us and that's too many. nobody knows anyone. strangers come and violate you. strangers come and cut your heart out.

--

subtle expiration

--

same brain

Fuck you Patty

There is nothing there for me, and there is nothing here for me. Why do I feel so down, like all the fucking time? Every disappointment is premeditated, in my next life I want to request to be a kitty cat. Sleep all day, sleep all night... sounds swell.

I just found out that CCSF starts the same day that Fullerton does. What do I do now? I'm stuck, as per usual. I don't know what I want... what else is new. If I move up there, I will be alone surrounded by many people. If I stay, I will be alone surrounded by familiar people, places and things. Should I stay or should I go now? Someone make the decision for me. Should I stay to bicker with my sister, or should I flee.

"If I only had an axe, I'd sever the ties I've made with the world" - bayside

"The foxes are loose again.
Sitting by the window, not once glancing out (small glances, like sips)
I already know what's out there,
Workers being mistreated, minorities getting taken advantage of, priests molesting children, men raping, beating women.
Hopeless and defenseless people.
Comfortable people in love with nothing but everything to lose.
The arrogance in trust.
Love is like communism.
Love is sand for the ostrich.
Love is the beer that stayed in the bottle after I knocked it over.
Love is the man made device (1972) of the walnut-tree shaker.
Involuntary ascending is love.
Surrounded by too much, I am glad to be here, alone in an international terminal."

Talk to yourself the next time you look in the mirror and see what you say back.
Just put me out for the ride, I'll hear you when we get there.

I finished my journal, filled up all the pages with nonsense ramblings of every day life. Quotes I enjoyed, sketches of things in my head. All for what? Documentation? For who? You?

Currently reading Irrational Man.
Harrison gave me a lot of books to read, which made me happy. That was about it.
I got Cesar some going away presents, but who knows if I will even be saying goodbye.
I feel equally unprepared for both options.

Brett texted me while I was out of town... Thanks you asshole, for gravitating my thoughts you fucking little bitch. You are fucking a little bitch... so that's true.

Ringo is next to me, atop all of my unnecessary pillows placed on my bed to flatter its corners and curves, just right. He lays magestically on top of them, overlooking the district of his kingdom that is my room. Door shut, he is trapped with the evil step sister and may as well make the best of it. Not to disturb him I will sleep with out blankets.


It is six in the morning for me right now. I have been awake for about sixteen hours, and traveled across the country. I went to Washington D.C.

Question...

What will a life of self indulgence bring you?

How long does karma take to kick in? Can it repeat itself with one really bad choice/happening?

Is art all there is?

"The universe works on a math equation
that never even ever really ends in the end

Infinity spirals out creation

We're on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
We aint sure where you stand
You aint machines and you aint land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other

Oh my God and oh my cat
I told my Dad what I need
Well I know what I have and want
But I don't know what I need
Well, he said he said he said he said
'Where we're going I'm dead.'"

"Now I'm glad you have a broken heart, 'cause I've been tryin' to fix mine from the start"

I've been spitting out mix CDs like a mad woman for the road trip.


Life is uneventful.

(cont.)

Tonight I hung out with Jen and went to Costa Mesa to her friend Mark's place. We drove in her "new" car, Alice. She's sleek and black with a moon roof for easy access ;)

I just had this thought... Why am I going to try really hard to transfer as soon as possible, when I could add another year of community college, and move out and work and be happier, and not have to work as hard with school. I can just transfer slowly... even if that means taking classes I don't really need or whatever. Full time units for the insurance pretty much. It would be fun. I could be happier? It could be an experiment.

I was thinking about culture lately. About little specific things from last weekend. Technology, communication or lack thereof. One could say that there is a lack of communication in today's culture, thanks to technology: text messaging, instant messaging, online societies and social networking... Communication is passed through the wires, indirectly to the person, who you might not even know or talk to or remember with out the help of technology, the ability to search for this person. The line of communication could be left wide open and sympathetic(?)... closed with ignorance. (IGNORE-ance/indifference/indirect)... mislead... assumptions.

"Assuming makes an ass outta u and me." - Mr. K.


"Like the doctor said, you were always dead." - Spill Canvas
(speaking of canvas.... love the paintings, Bailey)
--


This is a test, I know it is and I refuse to take it... I mean it is really pointless and there is no possibility of explanations or confrontations as to why this test is being held. I feel like there are a lot of tests occurring in my life right now. Tests that maybe I have set up for myself... Maybe they aren't really there, occurring in that way. Then again, maybe they are, but just for that moment.

I feel much love but I cannot accept it. I've been trying to love myself lately.
Take into account, the individual, thick with tension, stiff. Assailable when soft. Slippery when wet. Extra hot. No foam.

In an excess of words; overproduction.


It must be cold in here.
No, just small.

?

I'm paranoid. Dropping out of school seems like a brilliant idea.

...????

"Sometimes all I want is one favorite song.
Two to three minutes doesn't seem that long.
Where's my mom I want to hold her tight.
She's so far away from crowded nights.
I'm going cuckoo cuckoo.
We're all going cuckoo cuckoo." - le aminal collectivo

anyone's free to walk right in
my temple's been invaded and there's no one guarding it

the spark in your eyes was just a match i used to set myself on fire?






i live too fast and i love too much and i'll die too young but i chose this gun

Hemet

Who are you to say?

All these new neighbors give me the creeps.

It's like camping, but not. I love the place we stayed in Hemet. I love the people I stayed with in Hemet. The sun is shining, the air is sweet and fragrant! (haha)
I got my hair cut, I hate it. The stylist asked me if I smoked weed. He has dredzz...

"We are at the perfect place right now! What do you know! We're all here, at the right place, at the right time, man!"