?????????

Who knows what the hell I'm doing?

Uhm, I want to do something but I'm afraid that school is just becoming an inconvenience for the time being. I need to go to another country in the summer, and then after that I need to move somewhere... but where? Not the fuck here. But where? Somewhere cool and fun and groovy and plausible and worth it. But where the fuck? Everything sounds good, but how do I choose?

I just want all these things that I can't have, and I can't really describe how it makes me feel. I want to get along with my family, but that wont happen. I want to try this and that, but it doesn't happen that way. I need to be responsible but I don't want to be. I need to be mindless but I can't. I should have just stayed. It makes me frustrated. It makes me smoke five cigarettes before three in the afternoon. It makes me want to cry and makes me regret all these past decisions. If I can't be ok in the present then what makes me think I can handle the future? Why am I so unsatisfied? Then I worry and become paranoid. And I've tried so hard to rid myself of cover-ups... when maybe that's all I need. Like a bumper sticker that deters someone from asking that burning question - answering it before it was asked. Make something obvious. Oh wait, I already have those on my car... Nothing says "Leave me alone" like a bumper sticker or a pin through your face. If I feel like I want to sleep with someone does that mean I'm afraid of being alone? Is that so bad? But I'm not afraid of it.

("Now do you think me pretty?"
"Pretty isn't the word, it hardly does you fair." - Bukowski)

Felix- "Are you bi if you don't mind me asking?"
Me- "Yeah I guess. Because everyone sucks."
Felix- "Ohh! Haha."

I love you all so much that I hate you. I have no explanation.
Sunshine.
Darling.
Doll.

Nothing is this easy.