Objects in mirror are closer than they appear...

isn't it true?

I'm in a ridiculously good mood, excited, ancy, ridiculous.... it'll pass... I'm going to go buy cigarettes and smoke weed by myself in my multi racial automobile (black and white mold present). I feel bad to kill it... but I MUST BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GET SICK! The passenger side of my car will be yellow from bleach.

Chillin' in the dark...

My head is killing me because I am quite tired.

I have a weird resentment building up in me... I need to preserve this moment... I need to let go of some things, but I thought I was doing alright for a while. I need to get away from this body for a few hours. I feel such a resentment. I feel spoiled, jealous, used, bad things. But why? The substance must be analyzed against the whole spectrum and not as an independent substance, for we are thinking, dependent things. Dependent on what...?

I read the rest of the Meditations, of the existence of God and material objects.

This frustration will take over me if action is not taken.

Topics of tonight's debate:
-Feminism: Is a woman born innately more nurturing than a man?
Is there equality despite biological differences of the "opposite sex?"
Is gender assigned based on biological traits?
Do women "deserve" equal opportunity?

Can anyone listen? But do you hear what I am saying? I believe that the exception to the rule indeed annuls the statement altogether. If you say a man can outdo a woman in any given task, physically, and there is the exception of a woman who can outdo a man (at random), then you cannot say the latter, right?

I feel like I am forcing myself to stay awake for some reason, as to not miss anything. But what could be happening at this hour? Am I finding an excuse to sleep in as long as possible tomorrow to run out of time for my much needed errands to run? Am I trying to stress out my body? I need to do homework tomorrow, don't let me forget. I ingested way too much tobacco today. Not enough weed, I need weed - I get paid tomorrow and I shall prevail!

At the end of the night, I am alone. Even with you here, or there. Give me something new, give me something to inject my passion. "...(Heroin is) better than any meat injection."

There are people I see and want to know and meet but I can't because they aren't really there, they are all the same.

"What's your major?"
"Luke. What's your name?"
"Tatiana."

"My ribs have parted ways, said, 'We're not going to protect this heart you have.'"

A lot of cosmic coincidences... Some not as happy or should we say fortunate as others. I think this guy is cute, then I find out that he thinks I'm cute - hell yeah! I feel like I can't write too much to avoid jinxing it... I have been feeling very up and alive lately, but I can't tell if it's because I'm not depressed, or if it's because I'm numb... I can't understand if I'm happy. I feel like all these things have been happening too easily for me to accept, and yesterday, the whole day felt like a long dream. I was on autopilot the whole day, not shy, not over thinking much, and acting very impulsively. I'm listening to my favorite album right now.

I have so many thoughts running ramped (which is not spelled "rampid") in my head, so many possibilities for great things and yet I continue to stay confused, deceived, distracted... In Philosophy right now, we are reading Decartes' Meditations... and I always trip out when reading philosophy - these thoughts I've had before are suddenly typed out in the page, articulated, simplified, and analyzed... when I had denied the foundation of these falsities before, about a year ago, have begun to rebuild the crumbled rock which my house was destroyed... The evil demon is so present, I have denied god and have contemplated Satanism, because it makes more sense somehow, that instead of having an all-good-all-the-time entity, there i an all-deceiving-all-the-time entity... Meditation III. I feel like, if was skeptical to all this philosophy, like Decartes advises, I would lock myself up somewhere only to work on all these problems which have been answered, some not fully because it is impossible, but I would philosophize all these things that have already been philosophized, and then If i found that out I would probably kill myself.

crickets sang in the night, distracting me from my work! I shall stomp all of them, those somehow nonexistent physical bodies that are so familiar even in my dreams, must be real...

I think, therefore I am.
I sense, therefore I exist.

But the senses deceive you... then are you not to trust even one thing that has cheated you once? If that's the case, then we'd all be alone... but all alone is all we are...

The mind is outside our brain, it has no geographical location, like heaven.
We think with our brain but our brain is not our mind. It's somewhere up there (raise your hands and wave them), around there some where.

BOOSHIT

HEY!

Hello! We've been having San Francisco weather down here, and I love it. I ran in the rain yesterday going back to my car after my classes, then I had to drive though a river down State College, lightning every so often. Then at night I went with Vanessa to Sean's show ( I don't know how he spells his name) and his band is a garage punk band named Cum Stain, awesome, right? Who does that anymore? And for those of you who love punk rock... the music was great too, along with the performance. Singer in a leather jacket and whitey tighties, laughing like a psycho and dancing like an idiot. It was glorious. The next band blew my mind, it was probably the best show I've been to in a while. They were called Death Hymn I believe, and it was just two guys playing thrashy folk punk. The drummer on a 5 piece, playing with his arms, crossing over and doing all this fancy shit, just two cymbals, and the guitarist, in a chair stomping his feet and standing up and movin' all over the place... vocals the occasional "WOO!" and "One, Two, Three, FAH!" And let's not forget that they dressed up as zombies before they played... I was in heaven maybe. Beautiful people everywhere plus that one Asian guy from Dusty Rhodes, the shorter one that looks like he has Downs, heh.

A good night. Vanessa drove me back to my car and I got to sit next to a cute boy in the back seat, who said that the cigarette I gave him kicked his ass.

Now I have to drive to Westminster to buy my art supplies.... yay. But I was just on Facebook looking at this girl's drawings, life drawings, and they were... amazing. Fucking amazing. There is no way I could ever be that good, that takes an insane amount of patience that I think I am just not capable of. But it was so beautiful. I can't wait to start drawing though. I can't wait to be the worst one in class... I can't wait to leave Philosophy and then go draw for three hours thinking about what we just talked about... maybe smoke weed on the break, as you advised, Bailey. You might be calling you for directions to the roof haha. And I would like to make friends with the otherwie scary looking dude, who I of course think is drop dead sexy. Tattoos up this neck to his face with a lip ring and eye implants, I don't know what you would call them. But his name is Josh I think, he was petitioning which is cute. This means I have to start charging and using my iPod shuffle again... Wow, I think it's in my glove box even still. This music is making me so happy right now. Why is it that I feel happy the more obviously alone I become?

There was this girl petitioning my Philosophy class that I've met before, a few times, and even went camping with her and she refused to make eye contact with me. I thought it funny, I even know her name and shit. I tried to say something but she had a stink face which made me smile even more. Then we started talking about the vast universe and my smile got even larger. I wish I could take that yoga class with you Ashley! If I lived up there I would just go everyday with you and pretend like I was in the class. Hehehhehehehehhehehehhehehehuhuehf;eh489 3f wr'womdkmvdpOvdajfiue

Vanessa and I talked a little more about Santa Rosa. She is going to school in Paris this summer (I KNOW RIGHT) for photography and will be back in late August. So I will be in charge of this thing I think. We will be able to keep in touch via internet and then, maybe move right when she gets back. She is adamant about not returning to the area when she gets back from Europe. Brittany on the other hand may get sick of my nagging... That's ok though, 'cause I'll be gone.

So today I'm dropping my history class, getting my parking pass and my little sticker for the math lab, and going to the art store, coming home to do lots of reading and studying, and then math homework. It's already starting... but for some reason I feel prepared and excited and what not.

Except my room is a mess and I should have spent the time writing this cleaning it up. But I just had to tell you.

First Loves

They're all over at some point, and then you have to let them go.

"Knowledge is when you learn something new every day, wisdom is when you let something go everyday." - Emerson

I like the second half... they don't really seem to go together, but I really like the second half. I supposed I could have abbreviated the whole statement.

I feel that I have not connected with some one very well in quite a long time. I believe that is can be a little preposterous at times. I went to a little gathering shingdig at the park just a little earlier, and am skipping out on Amy's tonight because I just don't want to go. I feel really separated from everyone else... I feel socially inadequate and forgotten. Which is cool, I don't think I'd rather be much more desired or whatever. Anyways, about the park shindig or better known as the Vegan Potluck (I've been thinking about veganism lately and I think it's weird that a buncha Brits made it up? wtf?), Jen's exboyfriend was there and he was seriously a douche bag baby. I was trying to joke around with him but he was NOT havin' it... so then I turned it around and was a bitch just for my amusement. I felt very odd there. And this girl was there... and she... you know, it's really not even worth typing out because it's so fucking silly, and petty, and worthless anymore. We broke up let's say, Halloween '08. So really, it's only been one full year... but it has to be more.. no it has to be... but it's not. That's a little weird. I'm not high right now I'm just really bored.

HENCE
I have no one to talk to. But it was really nice talking on the phone with Bailey. I found out Vanessa is DOWN to move to Santa Rosa with me after summer, and no questions asked, I will make it happen! I will return to Nor Cal and leave this sorry place behind... for good. There was a stand-up on earlier and it was funny, making fun of Orange County. Something about the diversity-- the upper, middle, and upper classes. HarharhHARHAHRHARHARHRARR!!

I don't know what to say. I've been having a fun little time browsing okcupid sites... It's pretty fun. This 31 year old tattooed English teacher sent me a message, heeyyy.... and this black guy with green eyes heeeyyy.... But sadly, or not, nothing will come of this because... actually I don't know.

Bye. I need to find something to smoke out of.

?????????

Who knows what the hell I'm doing?

Uhm, I want to do something but I'm afraid that school is just becoming an inconvenience for the time being. I need to go to another country in the summer, and then after that I need to move somewhere... but where? Not the fuck here. But where? Somewhere cool and fun and groovy and plausible and worth it. But where the fuck? Everything sounds good, but how do I choose?

I just want all these things that I can't have, and I can't really describe how it makes me feel. I want to get along with my family, but that wont happen. I want to try this and that, but it doesn't happen that way. I need to be responsible but I don't want to be. I need to be mindless but I can't. I should have just stayed. It makes me frustrated. It makes me smoke five cigarettes before three in the afternoon. It makes me want to cry and makes me regret all these past decisions. If I can't be ok in the present then what makes me think I can handle the future? Why am I so unsatisfied? Then I worry and become paranoid. And I've tried so hard to rid myself of cover-ups... when maybe that's all I need. Like a bumper sticker that deters someone from asking that burning question - answering it before it was asked. Make something obvious. Oh wait, I already have those on my car... Nothing says "Leave me alone" like a bumper sticker or a pin through your face. If I feel like I want to sleep with someone does that mean I'm afraid of being alone? Is that so bad? But I'm not afraid of it.

("Now do you think me pretty?"
"Pretty isn't the word, it hardly does you fair." - Bukowski)

Felix- "Are you bi if you don't mind me asking?"
Me- "Yeah I guess. Because everyone sucks."
Felix- "Ohh! Haha."

I love you all so much that I hate you. I have no explanation.
Sunshine.
Darling.
Doll.

Nothing is this easy.

I don't have much to say...

but it's been a while since I've written in here, or written period. My last journal entry was from like mid December.

I have nothing to say about anything.

I have a magnetic pull from up north and a stationary happiness, away from it all, down here. I found this amazing place for me in Ingleside that just might have an opening for the time I need to move up. $460 + utilities and dog included. No drugs though, but I can totally and completely deal with that. In fact, I may prefer it..?

I have the same level of friends down here and up there. Why do I keep separating one from the other? They are all the same. They all do the opposite of what they say and contradict what they think, and they all think I'm a bitch. Taren keeps calling me the "new Tati" who doesn't censor her thoughts anymore. I feel a growing connection with some one really random and also a potential connection with an old coworker who I would be working with if everything happens the way it should. The corners of my mouth are rising and stretching at just the thought.

I feel a disappointment and embarrassment, truly, from another.

People have these weird expectations of other to serve them, and one of the first things I learned in my amateur exploration of philosophy is that one must not make exceptions for oneself, in order to be honest and live a little more stress free. If you don't expect someone to do this or that, then think about how surprising the gift will be, how much more you will treasure it and appreciate the action rather than just check it off your list and walk away with a lesser frown - power trip. Can't you see past my face as I can see past yours? I thought it was a little different...

But it's all a part of the constant change of ridicularity, something replaces another. And all of my whirling thoughts are preparing me for the worst case scenario. That way when it does happen, all I can do is laugh it off and tell myself that I told myself so. But then I might become paranoid and think I can predict the future and then all these bad things will happen... or good things...


I'm going to a show tonight after I get off work at 8pm. It's at the Dollhut, I should look up directions right now. Then Britt and Vanessa are coming over to babysit Sisyphus and take him to the park.

How sweet.