I choose not to react.

I do the civil thing, to keep things clean, 'cause when I ignore things that's when my world gets complicated. When you act a certain way, to fuck with me, I know it, and I'm not stupid, and I choose not to react in order to shut you down. It's not even "killing it with kindness," I'm just simply not acknowledging your "superiority," even though I clearly do notice it. So, I do not act like I don't know what's going on, I receive and perceive, and either deny or accept, and then react accordingly. Did I just contradict myself?

There are just some people who will do anything to have the upper hand, they will never admit to losing or failure or being wrong, which is interesting I think. Commenting on world-savers, it seems that all world-savers have hedonistic qualities about them, stubbornness, an idealism about them, something that no one else around them believes in or acknowledges, yet they in some way succeed and save the world, or maybe just a part of it. So am I just as bad as a hedonistic, vicious, malicious, jealous person, facetious for their own sick troubles and views, mad, crazy, unsatisfied. Am I just as bad as them? Probably, but I feel like I execute my entertainment in other ways, I don't find my joy in the pretense of others, and I don't use people, I simply maybe let people use me, and observe and get a kick out of their actions and behaviors in my presence, not necessarily all pertaining to me, rather than be deceived by others and act like I didn't know. I just do no trust - in any way shape or form.

There are some people who only quit smoking because it makes your skin bad and your voice nasty and gives you wrinkles.
Some people quit drinking for that matter, which is fine, but... if you are depriving yourself of having fun for the sake of vanity - let's think about it, we're all going to just get uglier and we go along (if no life changes are made) and when we're middle-aged, it's still going to be hard to find someone to fuck, if that's even an option, and if we are married we DEFINITELY wont be fucking, so we are doomed to be depressed, lonely, fuckless, anyway, so why care so much about vanity when it's all a waste of time? Nobody really cares what you look like anyway, because if you're an annoying little fuck that sides with the "pretty one" or the "popular one" then no one's gunna trust you or waste their time with you, but at least you're pretty. When you fall in love with someone they might just be a little more in love with you, because of your dreadful personality rather than your perfect hair or perfect car, than you are with their contrasting or compatible appearances to yours.

"If she gets nowhere in life at least she knows she's pretty"

I enjoy the amusement I get out of reading "old dead white guys," because some of them are so incredibly pompous, and other are so spineless, and others are actually rad and get you stoked on life - the Beatniks for example. Decartes and Berkeley and Hobbes and all them are hilarious to read. They all start off their works with an inspirational introduction that almost seems like a premature closing to their analysis because they are so right about this and we are so wrong about this - and you read and read and find subtle contradictions and vague sections that are just humorous in the end. A so-called "existential crisis" can, in the end, maybe some time after, be humorous - but the next one will be different. Maybe if we choose to be light we can laugh through it, instead of drudge along through the mud or walk so fast among hot coals we only callus and nothing else.

But we all like beautiful things, of course, sometimes you can't escape beauty, but vanity is defined as, based on a trusty internet dictionary, is it the excessive belief of one's own abilities or attractiveness over other's. Then a link defining narcissism pops up, I read it - -am I a narcissist?

Brittany just called me with news... but she wont tell me on the phone... I must be prepared. 'Cause I know my night was hella less satisfying and/or enthralling, just expected. How boring.