Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Flat
like my hair.
I've learned how to manipulate the falling of my hair with this new conditioner... how fucking interesting is that?
I am anti-relationship but I have open options, and they must stay open. My love has been dissipating, I have been allowing some sorts of entrance, maybe not enough. My darkness seeps out in awkward and trying times, I can't help it. There are certain people who never change in my perceptions, but how is that if I feel like I am changing so much? I feel radically different than I did last year, why do my customs/habits prevent me from allowing the other to show their change? That doesn't make sense.
My philosophy test was cancelled today and we yelled and called our teacher a mother fucker! We all studied together, hard, laughed, cried (not really), and then the test was postponed. Studying tomorrow "down town" at 2pm. So I decided to ditch art too. I need to by a new drawing pad...
I tried to feed Sisyphus cheerios yesterday but he couldn't chew or swallow them, they just got stuck in his lips and fell out later. Covered in loving drool. I cam home the other night high as fuck and he was stuck outside in the rain.. it was sad. Four hours later I had to clock in for work, stayed out all night again with another four hours of sleep to work, stayed up... slept for about seven hours. I felt spinny and dizzy when I woke this morning.
We talked about not much. Said I was exciting.
Thought in bed the other night. About crashing waves of cause and effect, new mental impressions, arrows with squiggly tails. Thought about ear popping at certain elevations, the constant conjunctions of contiguity, the habitual expectations we assign to waking up in the morning.
I wanna be friends I wanna be cool with you.
"Get yourself in top of me, before I'm gone" - Tegan and Sara
I've learned how to manipulate the falling of my hair with this new conditioner... how fucking interesting is that?
I am anti-relationship but I have open options, and they must stay open. My love has been dissipating, I have been allowing some sorts of entrance, maybe not enough. My darkness seeps out in awkward and trying times, I can't help it. There are certain people who never change in my perceptions, but how is that if I feel like I am changing so much? I feel radically different than I did last year, why do my customs/habits prevent me from allowing the other to show their change? That doesn't make sense.
My philosophy test was cancelled today and we yelled and called our teacher a mother fucker! We all studied together, hard, laughed, cried (not really), and then the test was postponed. Studying tomorrow "down town" at 2pm. So I decided to ditch art too. I need to by a new drawing pad...
I tried to feed Sisyphus cheerios yesterday but he couldn't chew or swallow them, they just got stuck in his lips and fell out later. Covered in loving drool. I cam home the other night high as fuck and he was stuck outside in the rain.. it was sad. Four hours later I had to clock in for work, stayed out all night again with another four hours of sleep to work, stayed up... slept for about seven hours. I felt spinny and dizzy when I woke this morning.
We talked about not much. Said I was exciting.
Thought in bed the other night. About crashing waves of cause and effect, new mental impressions, arrows with squiggly tails. Thought about ear popping at certain elevations, the constant conjunctions of contiguity, the habitual expectations we assign to waking up in the morning.
I wanna be friends I wanna be cool with you.
"Get yourself in top of me, before I'm gone" - Tegan and Sara
Monday, February 15, 2010
If I wasn't here
They'd be together right now, not watching the same show on different tvs in different rooms.
I feel like this is all my fault. I feel ridiculous for being here right now. The moment my thoughts flow this way the tears come, wasted and ready. All I want is someone who doesn't know me more than a best friend to be around to hear me out and listen to my shit - most of it is so subjective though, it wouldn't be the same. My sadness has no maximum limit. I wonder if my neighbors can see me smoking out front in the middle of the night. Or me and Britt by the side gate in the middle of the night with the dog whining... it's a funny picture actually - next to the Barbie dream house, the huge dog, cigarette and pot smoking dyke and nondyke-nonfemme.
We have this will but no understanding when before there was quite a bit of understanding and no will behind it.
And why do I feel so lonely otherwise. There are a million possibilities. I just need to be sure that this is impossible, when nothing is.
It's sad to feel that I am a waste of time. But it's good to know that you are worthy. Am I so fixated? Am I so controlling in this way? Why can't I just be? somewhere else forever?
I feel like this is all my fault. I feel ridiculous for being here right now. The moment my thoughts flow this way the tears come, wasted and ready. All I want is someone who doesn't know me more than a best friend to be around to hear me out and listen to my shit - most of it is so subjective though, it wouldn't be the same. My sadness has no maximum limit. I wonder if my neighbors can see me smoking out front in the middle of the night. Or me and Britt by the side gate in the middle of the night with the dog whining... it's a funny picture actually - next to the Barbie dream house, the huge dog, cigarette and pot smoking dyke and nondyke-nonfemme.
We have this will but no understanding when before there was quite a bit of understanding and no will behind it.
And why do I feel so lonely otherwise. There are a million possibilities. I just need to be sure that this is impossible, when nothing is.
It's sad to feel that I am a waste of time. But it's good to know that you are worthy. Am I so fixated? Am I so controlling in this way? Why can't I just be? somewhere else forever?
Friday, February 12, 2010
My middle finger hurts
The left one with the peace sign ring. I've been wearing this ring since last Christmas and haven't taken it off once. The ring of the other middle finger was my grandma's class ring. I never wanted a class ring and didn't get one either. But maybe I should have, so I could have given it to someone who I thought would like it - how selfish is that?
It is incredibly insane how we all make such stars out of people, out of ourselves for other people. It is interesting to see first impressions go down the drain, and the more you get to know someone the less you actually begin to like them... Are we/ I so lonely that we keep this up? Is there anyone else on your mind, in your eyes? Well, there is for me, and they are all out of reach, of course with time, there is potential for blooming, but time is just one of those things I don't seem to have... You are, of course, in hindsight. I love the definition of hindsight in my iDictionary - In hindsight, I should have never gone. And I shouldn't have. Here we are, back with time. I can call this or that person, but why? The outcome is the same if I just stayed home and read or wrote till I fell asleep. I could also get drunk and hang out with these faces which become blurred after a moment, and the outcome is the same: I wake up the next morning with no valid memories of the day before, and I continue on this path, not noticing that there is a wall or cliff or bump in front of me until I run into it face first. Hindsight.
I feel so guilty about some things (my finger really hurts). Mostly about the things I didn't let happen or the things that I have forced, or the things that I expected and in turn was disappointed. I feel so guilty about things that the only cure/distraction is to leave - AGAIN - start over fresh, like I never knew who I was before, and I don't, didn't, and will not. This will continue forever!
What do you know?
I know nothing, not matter how much I learn, I will still have no grasp on anything, everything, the let overs.
No matter how much I do or don't do, I'll never know. If I choose to be a crack head for years, I'll have lost those years. LOSING YEARS! I've already lost two or something. But I could have been in AFrica or Europe, but if I was there, I could have been here, being less selfish. But now I'm here, being a selfish fucking person. And they'll, my family, will never understand me so matter how much I fucking try. I feel numb right now, after work. Having to stay an extra 15 dreaded minutes, and you're getting off right now. And we're doing nothing but thinking and wishing. All the time, that's all I do, is think, wish, repeat.
"I had that dream about you again, where I stayed outside until you let me in"
It is incredibly insane how we all make such stars out of people, out of ourselves for other people. It is interesting to see first impressions go down the drain, and the more you get to know someone the less you actually begin to like them... Are we/ I so lonely that we keep this up? Is there anyone else on your mind, in your eyes? Well, there is for me, and they are all out of reach, of course with time, there is potential for blooming, but time is just one of those things I don't seem to have... You are, of course, in hindsight. I love the definition of hindsight in my iDictionary - In hindsight, I should have never gone. And I shouldn't have. Here we are, back with time. I can call this or that person, but why? The outcome is the same if I just stayed home and read or wrote till I fell asleep. I could also get drunk and hang out with these faces which become blurred after a moment, and the outcome is the same: I wake up the next morning with no valid memories of the day before, and I continue on this path, not noticing that there is a wall or cliff or bump in front of me until I run into it face first. Hindsight.
I feel so guilty about some things (my finger really hurts). Mostly about the things I didn't let happen or the things that I have forced, or the things that I expected and in turn was disappointed. I feel so guilty about things that the only cure/distraction is to leave - AGAIN - start over fresh, like I never knew who I was before, and I don't, didn't, and will not. This will continue forever!
What do you know?
I know nothing, not matter how much I learn, I will still have no grasp on anything, everything, the let overs.
No matter how much I do or don't do, I'll never know. If I choose to be a crack head for years, I'll have lost those years. LOSING YEARS! I've already lost two or something. But I could have been in AFrica or Europe, but if I was there, I could have been here, being less selfish. But now I'm here, being a selfish fucking person. And they'll, my family, will never understand me so matter how much I fucking try. I feel numb right now, after work. Having to stay an extra 15 dreaded minutes, and you're getting off right now. And we're doing nothing but thinking and wishing. All the time, that's all I do, is think, wish, repeat.
"I had that dream about you again, where I stayed outside until you let me in"
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Whoa how am I already signed in?
I am trippin, I smoked a bowl and I have to leave for work in thirty minutes and I hope I'm not all stoney at work. I don't think I'll be, but really, if I am, I can handle the anxiety for seven hours and then I'll be off work and had been paid to suppress my worries and frustration and opinions to the establishment. Damn the establishment! Damn all you two facers! If we must let us be drones at the establishment as long as we can go crazy outside of it. I'm talking mostly about authority figures. Don't give us a chance to be friends unless we absolutely must! And think of how great that would be in and of itself.
You can accomplish anything through lucid dreaming... so let's all go back to sleep and have adventures and share them.
Now I have to leave in twenty-seven minutes. Maybe I should sleep it... that's a good idea.
Everything is ok everything is fine! Didn't have the patience didn't have the time! Well, I thought I would make it half way down the line! That's totally wrong and I actually forget how the song goes and tried to place words to the remembered instrumentals, instead of knowing the verse and forgetting how the song starts. It's always one or the other right?! NO IN BETWEEN. Come on, that wasn't a word? Inbetween. LOLLLLL
You can accomplish anything through lucid dreaming... so let's all go back to sleep and have adventures and share them.
Now I have to leave in twenty-seven minutes. Maybe I should sleep it... that's a good idea.
Everything is ok everything is fine! Didn't have the patience didn't have the time! Well, I thought I would make it half way down the line! That's totally wrong and I actually forget how the song goes and tried to place words to the remembered instrumentals, instead of knowing the verse and forgetting how the song starts. It's always one or the other right?! NO IN BETWEEN. Come on, that wasn't a word? Inbetween. LOLLLLL
Monday, February 8, 2010
8)
You could say I've been bingeing on the ganja.
I feel like when I talk to someone or whatever, that I automatically trust them for example my new co workers. God damnit I always mix my personal life with my work life and then all these things that could be TMI otherwise and it lets people KNOW! Like, shit about me. LIke yeah, I need to not do that shit, because it always turns bad. Why do I confide in people like my colleagues, or I could even ask why do I confide in the establishment or whatever. My employer should not be notified that I smoke weed! They do not need to know anything at all! But why does it happen! I feel like I am dreaming with automatic responses to questions but then my imagination verbalizes and I don't really recognize what I am even saying to this person, who just, really shouldn't know that I smoke weed or that I like both or that I am doing this and that in school or my opinion on anything! Or anything about my life, until I trust them.
Dude - again, my work is failing me or I am failing my work!!!!!!!!!!!! The work place I mean. Or go ahead and pile in school too fuck that, and socializing, and fashion, and the other green burdens.... Burdens don't have to be green, though. I am so hating my job right now. But what other job can I get? Should I get a shitty ass other job? Wah...
What if the whole ideological purpose, that makes no sense, or purpose of direction of Santeria is/was ( I guess we could assume it to be dead? That's kind of fucked up, but it's probably not going to make a come back, and it will necessarily be as dead a religion/culture as the ancient Egyptians. Why do I feel I can't keep a job?)
The underlying notion of Santeria is to deceive the Catholics that were in charge of the slaves, who forced Catholicism upon them. Yes, I completely lost my point... anyways, deceiving is bad, because often times we deceive ourselves in habitual ways and it will slowly make its way to an ideological strength, this deceiving notion (that is so gibber jabber-fucking-y and there's a book or something, or maybe just a term I think that labels all philosophical terms like deceiving notion because they sound and are so vague)
Anyway, I almost forgot that I have mother fucking school tomorrow.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUck
Think about the song that Adam Sandler sings in the Wedding Singer when he's on the stage playing guitar and Drew's all chipper watching him perform. That song right now hahahaha
I kinda miss CCSF!
Is it just me(stupid question) or hhahahahahha
I can't finish. I have to sleep god damnit.
gawd. damnit.
gawd damnit.
My art teacher always threatens me with the Russian old man and always says, "You're sitting next to a Russian, you know."
>:[
>;[
I feel like when I talk to someone or whatever, that I automatically trust them for example my new co workers. God damnit I always mix my personal life with my work life and then all these things that could be TMI otherwise and it lets people KNOW! Like, shit about me. LIke yeah, I need to not do that shit, because it always turns bad. Why do I confide in people like my colleagues, or I could even ask why do I confide in the establishment or whatever. My employer should not be notified that I smoke weed! They do not need to know anything at all! But why does it happen! I feel like I am dreaming with automatic responses to questions but then my imagination verbalizes and I don't really recognize what I am even saying to this person, who just, really shouldn't know that I smoke weed or that I like both or that I am doing this and that in school or my opinion on anything! Or anything about my life, until I trust them.
Dude - again, my work is failing me or I am failing my work!!!!!!!!!!!! The work place I mean. Or go ahead and pile in school too fuck that, and socializing, and fashion, and the other green burdens.... Burdens don't have to be green, though. I am so hating my job right now. But what other job can I get? Should I get a shitty ass other job? Wah...
What if the whole ideological purpose, that makes no sense, or purpose of direction of Santeria is/was ( I guess we could assume it to be dead? That's kind of fucked up, but it's probably not going to make a come back, and it will necessarily be as dead a religion/culture as the ancient Egyptians. Why do I feel I can't keep a job?)
The underlying notion of Santeria is to deceive the Catholics that were in charge of the slaves, who forced Catholicism upon them. Yes, I completely lost my point... anyways, deceiving is bad, because often times we deceive ourselves in habitual ways and it will slowly make its way to an ideological strength, this deceiving notion (that is so gibber jabber-fucking-y and there's a book or something, or maybe just a term I think that labels all philosophical terms like deceiving notion because they sound and are so vague)
Anyway, I almost forgot that I have mother fucking school tomorrow.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUck
Think about the song that Adam Sandler sings in the Wedding Singer when he's on the stage playing guitar and Drew's all chipper watching him perform. That song right now hahahaha
I kinda miss CCSF!
Is it just me(stupid question) or hhahahahahha
I can't finish. I have to sleep god damnit.
gawd. damnit.
gawd damnit.
My art teacher always threatens me with the Russian old man and always says, "You're sitting next to a Russian, you know."
>:[
>;[
I choose not to react.
I do the civil thing, to keep things clean, 'cause when I ignore things that's when my world gets complicated. When you act a certain way, to fuck with me, I know it, and I'm not stupid, and I choose not to react in order to shut you down. It's not even "killing it with kindness," I'm just simply not acknowledging your "superiority," even though I clearly do notice it. So, I do not act like I don't know what's going on, I receive and perceive, and either deny or accept, and then react accordingly. Did I just contradict myself?
There are just some people who will do anything to have the upper hand, they will never admit to losing or failure or being wrong, which is interesting I think. Commenting on world-savers, it seems that all world-savers have hedonistic qualities about them, stubbornness, an idealism about them, something that no one else around them believes in or acknowledges, yet they in some way succeed and save the world, or maybe just a part of it. So am I just as bad as a hedonistic, vicious, malicious, jealous person, facetious for their own sick troubles and views, mad, crazy, unsatisfied. Am I just as bad as them? Probably, but I feel like I execute my entertainment in other ways, I don't find my joy in the pretense of others, and I don't use people, I simply maybe let people use me, and observe and get a kick out of their actions and behaviors in my presence, not necessarily all pertaining to me, rather than be deceived by others and act like I didn't know. I just do no trust - in any way shape or form.
There are some people who only quit smoking because it makes your skin bad and your voice nasty and gives you wrinkles.
Some people quit drinking for that matter, which is fine, but... if you are depriving yourself of having fun for the sake of vanity - let's think about it, we're all going to just get uglier and we go along (if no life changes are made) and when we're middle-aged, it's still going to be hard to find someone to fuck, if that's even an option, and if we are married we DEFINITELY wont be fucking, so we are doomed to be depressed, lonely, fuckless, anyway, so why care so much about vanity when it's all a waste of time? Nobody really cares what you look like anyway, because if you're an annoying little fuck that sides with the "pretty one" or the "popular one" then no one's gunna trust you or waste their time with you, but at least you're pretty. When you fall in love with someone they might just be a little more in love with you, because of your dreadful personality rather than your perfect hair or perfect car, than you are with their contrasting or compatible appearances to yours.
"If she gets nowhere in life at least she knows she's pretty"
I enjoy the amusement I get out of reading "old dead white guys," because some of them are so incredibly pompous, and other are so spineless, and others are actually rad and get you stoked on life - the Beatniks for example. Decartes and Berkeley and Hobbes and all them are hilarious to read. They all start off their works with an inspirational introduction that almost seems like a premature closing to their analysis because they are so right about this and we are so wrong about this - and you read and read and find subtle contradictions and vague sections that are just humorous in the end. A so-called "existential crisis" can, in the end, maybe some time after, be humorous - but the next one will be different. Maybe if we choose to be light we can laugh through it, instead of drudge along through the mud or walk so fast among hot coals we only callus and nothing else.
But we all like beautiful things, of course, sometimes you can't escape beauty, but vanity is defined as, based on a trusty internet dictionary, is it the excessive belief of one's own abilities or attractiveness over other's. Then a link defining narcissism pops up, I read it - -am I a narcissist?
Brittany just called me with news... but she wont tell me on the phone... I must be prepared. 'Cause I know my night was hella less satisfying and/or enthralling, just expected. How boring.
There are just some people who will do anything to have the upper hand, they will never admit to losing or failure or being wrong, which is interesting I think. Commenting on world-savers, it seems that all world-savers have hedonistic qualities about them, stubbornness, an idealism about them, something that no one else around them believes in or acknowledges, yet they in some way succeed and save the world, or maybe just a part of it. So am I just as bad as a hedonistic, vicious, malicious, jealous person, facetious for their own sick troubles and views, mad, crazy, unsatisfied. Am I just as bad as them? Probably, but I feel like I execute my entertainment in other ways, I don't find my joy in the pretense of others, and I don't use people, I simply maybe let people use me, and observe and get a kick out of their actions and behaviors in my presence, not necessarily all pertaining to me, rather than be deceived by others and act like I didn't know. I just do no trust - in any way shape or form.
There are some people who only quit smoking because it makes your skin bad and your voice nasty and gives you wrinkles.
Some people quit drinking for that matter, which is fine, but... if you are depriving yourself of having fun for the sake of vanity - let's think about it, we're all going to just get uglier and we go along (if no life changes are made) and when we're middle-aged, it's still going to be hard to find someone to fuck, if that's even an option, and if we are married we DEFINITELY wont be fucking, so we are doomed to be depressed, lonely, fuckless, anyway, so why care so much about vanity when it's all a waste of time? Nobody really cares what you look like anyway, because if you're an annoying little fuck that sides with the "pretty one" or the "popular one" then no one's gunna trust you or waste their time with you, but at least you're pretty. When you fall in love with someone they might just be a little more in love with you, because of your dreadful personality rather than your perfect hair or perfect car, than you are with their contrasting or compatible appearances to yours.
"If she gets nowhere in life at least she knows she's pretty"
I enjoy the amusement I get out of reading "old dead white guys," because some of them are so incredibly pompous, and other are so spineless, and others are actually rad and get you stoked on life - the Beatniks for example. Decartes and Berkeley and Hobbes and all them are hilarious to read. They all start off their works with an inspirational introduction that almost seems like a premature closing to their analysis because they are so right about this and we are so wrong about this - and you read and read and find subtle contradictions and vague sections that are just humorous in the end. A so-called "existential crisis" can, in the end, maybe some time after, be humorous - but the next one will be different. Maybe if we choose to be light we can laugh through it, instead of drudge along through the mud or walk so fast among hot coals we only callus and nothing else.
But we all like beautiful things, of course, sometimes you can't escape beauty, but vanity is defined as, based on a trusty internet dictionary, is it the excessive belief of one's own abilities or attractiveness over other's. Then a link defining narcissism pops up, I read it - -am I a narcissist?
Brittany just called me with news... but she wont tell me on the phone... I must be prepared. 'Cause I know my night was hella less satisfying and/or enthralling, just expected. How boring.
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