There was a poem on my car today...

SHY ANNE

fell from the sky from a

garbage can

she hit the ground with a new

kind of plan

to finish the story that she

never began

won't you hold my hand,

Shy Anne?

Feeling very dull and sad and ugly and unnecessary and unproductive and kind of pathetic... ha ha

I have this protrusion on the right nostril of my nose. Yes, like a big disgusting pimple that draws nothing but confused and uncomfortable glances, haha. My nose is beat ass red and is swollen from the inside out. The right nostril is significantly deformed and is very painful! Owie... I got antibiotics for it, and was given the warm compress solution, and I was recommended Airbourne. Which is such bullshit because that shit has been proven to be, well, shit. Anyways, I feel smaller and sad because of the pain and I feel insecure about it because I know it is not pretty at all to look at, and it fucking hurts really bad - "disfiguring acne"

"I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least the others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn't understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go..."

-Ham on Rye - Charles Bukowski

I had plans to go away for days, to try and risk a pace that haunts my days...

it never stops...

I am taking notes to start my essay tomorrow. It's due Tuesday, so I have all day tomorrow, Monday after 3, and then all day Tuesday before class at 7. I did procrastinate a bit... it's okay though.

I have to start applying for schools, I thought briefly today about the University of La Verne.

"Just give 'em half." - South Park

I have work at three. I think I will take a nap before I go. Just wanted to check with all your blurry faces.

Myotonia.

All this reading about sexual responses and anatomy is making me a little bit lonely... ha ha. I've been very pissy and bitchy and emotional lately. Today I got a headache and bought some weed. Taren's plant is beautiful. Niki drove my car on the way back and I got to smoke.

I went to the dentist today. A teeth cleaning costs $110... that is so ridiculous. I go back next week.

I have to do a project tomorrow with someone from class.

Saturday I work 3-10.

Sunday I read and write that damn essay.

I think we are coming up to SF Ocober 14- 19 or something. A Wednesday to Saturday. Then again in November. It shall be grand.

"This lust to my brain almost feels like a gun"

I've forgotten how to fall asleep.

My nose is stuffy, my bum is stuffy, my head is so stuffy...

My thought process, stuffy.

The only thing I can think to do that is safe is listen to music. Everything else seems too dangerous... I used to like to be dangerous, in fact I still do. I want someone to live dangerously with. It's an effort, or is it? Is it impulse, or spontaneity? Restlessness?

...there is nothin' you can't do, these streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you... hahahhaha.........

WELCOME TO THE MELTIN' POT

It's hot today.

My horoscope's been calling for a Gemini in my life. I briefly talked to one today, just a quick hello. There have never been too many of them at one time in my life, but when they are there it seems that they play such a huge role, their friendship is so much fun and very consuming. Of course there are waves, but they are never too proud to cease contact for the most part; they most definitely are proud, though very vulnerable and sometimes weak.

I've got a well-fed Leo, and I got two Sag's around... both of whom I am utterly sick of. Leo's are such loyal friends... selfish, but who isn't? At least they don't try to cover it up like many other signs out there... like Virgo - christ - or Sag. There is one Aries floating in and out, one who I'd like to get closer with 'cause I've never really befriended an Aries guy before, besides Dylan, but that was Summer fun, and fun it definitely was!

I got my period today, finally. I've been waiting and waiting in tender pain for it to come and be over with. I woke up this morning two hours later than I wanted to, went to the Math Lab to do a total of maybe ten problems before my hour and a half was up :/ and then went to the library to begin research on my essay. Wow, I could not get the balls rolling. Then I left and someone wrote on my fucking window (HEY TATI! LOL HEY!) in the dirt, damn them, now I have to wash my fucking car. But I probably wont. I bet you anything the person I think did it really did it. Lameasshole.

There is a show tonight that I want to go to, probably wont since everyone's a pooper.

SUCH POOOOPERS

I have nothing else to complain about.

I really shouldn't be doing this...

I should be studying. But I really can't study. I have no excuse really... But fuck man. I just can't study. I strongly feel that it is stupid to be required to take math and science when it may have nothing to do with your major. Like really. All these terms and shit and formulas and whatnot do not apply to my major, or my job after my major. It makes me sad to think that I will do poorly in these classes because I simply cannot get myself to be interested in motherfucking algebra or the science behind plants. Don't get me wrong, I love plants and all... but all the terms just seem a bit unnecessary for me to MEMORIZE. Mow :(

The internet is distracting me and giving me a headache! And I will cover it up in the morning with coffee and my eyes are burning right now but I can't sleep. But when I close them it feels so nice and I think well maybe I'll be able to this time. But then my stomach starts to arbitrarily grumble even though I had food, and a good amount of it to prevent a grumbling tummy. But HelloOWOOO what is up at the moment? All I can seem to focus on is tomorrow. Today is over but it's not ready to be over and I am forcing it to be over.

Ew my friend just described the "real world" as working for a living. It's sad... that that is the "truth," but it's really so far from the ultimate truth...

Is it not ignorant to ask, "How can you live your life in such ignorance?"

Just to document this still moment of apathy and confirmed expectations.

Saying that I am the one in charge would jinx this situation. In simpler terms, what we have/had is amazing. Quiet voices circling the same questions in a dark room preventing any real eye contact. Beer and smoke to cover our pure sweetness. I can just tell, alright? Isn't that enough? Tonight was the last time. Honest. I feel very strongly about this... I am going to instal some updates.

My first day of work was so HOO-RAH it made me sick to my stomach.

2-10 tomorrow. I can feel the pressure...

It's hard to concentrate at the moment.

There is really no point to anything at all...

"If I am going to be drowned - if I am going to be drowned - if I am going to be drowned, why, in the name of the seven mad gods, who rule the sea, was I allowed to come thus far and contemplate sand and trees? Was I brought here merely to have my nose dragged away as I was about to nibble the sacred cheese of life?" - Stephen Crane

It's humid today, an uncomfortable, worthless-to-shower sort of day. I left the house at 12:30 and arrived back three hours later. Now all of a sudden my mom is coming home from work and the day is about to end, and the night begin. I start work tomorrow, I am dreading it so very much. I feel very annoyed and untrustworthy today, I guess not different from any other day, minus the annoyed part. Today's just a lame day. The sky is pretty, though.

That'll be the day...

I wanna go back to sleep...

I am currently rediscovering "In Reverie" by Saves the Day and "The Moon and Antarctica" by Modest Mouse. I lost my original CD of that album which makes me really really sad, because all the shit available for download on the internet is the remastered album which is bullshit. My copy was the purple one, with the shaking hands, this one is the baby blue one... Remastered is so disgusting, but this album is beautiful.

I have nothing to do today besides go to class at 7. This weekend was very long. I think it's kind of sad that I reach a point in the night where I am quite alright with not remembering anything else. The fact that I was there where I was was good enough for me, whether conscious or not. I find that sad. I am not a puppet and am not just a figure in the background. I need to stop doing that, the gash on my arm is not a cool scar and if it is to some people, then I have nothing to say... I have a death wish. I am reading this book of quotations called "And Then She Said..." It's good.

"Troubles, like babies, grow larger with nursing." - Lady Caroline Holland

"...I have found life to be incredibly theatrical and theatre to be profoundly lifeless." - Beah Richards

Does anybody know a way that a body could get away?

Oh my god, I had a horribly vivid dream last night. I woke up sad and confused, my stomach hurts. There is one spot on the right that is pulling and tearing, rhythmically. Of course then for breakfast I ate something that was guaranteed to make it worse. I miss him so much... This quote helps me rationalize for a few moments at a time.

"We must find our duties in what comes to us, not in what might have been." - George Eliot

...i wanna remember to remember to forget you forgot me.... i wanna look out the window of my color tv.....

Yay for xanax

The cure for all social anxiety... NOT. But really, for me, it helped, especially last night. I told myself I wouldn't put myself in that situation ever again, and there the fuck I was at some weirdo party with all these weirdo people. I had a good time though, I got to kiss a lot of hot people. Hot meaning hot, not necessarily to the core ifjaknow what I'm sayin'.

"You're wasted, aren't you?" - me

"Fine, I am." - him

Dahaa is all I have to say. It's been a good weekend so far, today is the last day.

Dirty low class slut

I guess my tongue is tied to the starry sky tonight...

My eyes are openin' up to you.

Last night was reckless!

There were so many beautiful people around last night and I was too gone to mingle. My mouth gets shut and then I look at one thing and then I forget. Preoccupied.

...all I can do is remember you.

And then I say, "Ah, fuck it."

Bowlee Bowlee Bowlee

bowl-eh

It is really hot outside, but with the window down and the breeze goin' it's not so bad. Today I smoked before I went to my Psych class, then I had to take a quiz in science, then I had to take a quiz in math. Damn.

At least I don't go to school on Monday.

By Tuesday I need to write an essay, read a book, math homework, and complete a psychology online test. I can do one a day that's not so bad. Why did I write all this in here?

I want a piercing and another tattoo. On my foot again, and in my ear again. teehee