A rude awakening...

This doesn't even feel the same. It was ever since I changed the colors.


Fruit in my wine alone at home earlier than the usual.
Used me, abused me
Or just myself. It was only a matter of time, always is.








My name is Yon Yonson. I live in Wisconsin.

Yes, again

I about a billion things to write in here that I thought of on the drive home. All of this specificity but then all of a sudden I had to get out of my car. So I have learned, yet again, that I should not drive when I am stoned because I let my brain focus on other things perhaps not focusing on. And because we all know that you should focus on your driving when you're driving; you may kill someone else. Just as you shouldn't drive drunk, either. Many of us doing it with only ourselves in mind like, "If I die, then it was my fault anyway," not like, "If I drive without focusing my attention on driving, then I may kill someone or myself." Maybe later I can prepare a truth table to find out if these compound sentences are equivalent!

We have been studying symbolic logic in math for the past week and it is quite fun! It's like a game. Today we had four separate statements written in different ways and then an original compound statement. We figured out the truth value of each sentence which made sense besides the weird ambiguous ones, and then compared the truth value to the original's value and there you have it! Brilliant!
The statement was something like, "If it is snowing, then I wear a jacket." The alternate statements were something like (this may be wrong):
a: If I wear a jacket, then it is snowing.
b: It is not snowing and I wear a jacket.
c: It is snowing or I wear a jacket.
d: It is not snowing or I don't wear a jacket.
Anyway, it sounds boring... it is a little boring but it's like a puzzle and I've never been good at puzzles. Teacher said take a guess and just write it down over here, and then do the work and see if you were right. I was right! I am a psychic! And the smart guy in the back guess the two that were very wrong. Yay for logic even it may be a hetero-normative excuse in life, as the philosopher claimed at the Symposium. I always think about that... but mostly I feel like it is a quantifiable way to measure out arguments, to dissect them and find the bullshit per say. A quantifiable way to measure out arguments. That's a pretty horrible sentence hahahahahahahhHAHAHHAhahahHAHHAahhahuahdehehehehehhohohohohoh

Anyway, I wonder why Math 100 is so easy and much more fun than the hard ass algebra classes I took before this!? If anything, this shit could be taught online to much more avail (makes sense?) than Algebra 2.
--

Brett called me today and I may or may not have been a little bitchy on the phone.
--

Stoned at the moment.
--

"'Cause paranoia ain't the way to live your life from day to day, so leave your doubts and your fears behind" - *NSYNC

i'll add playing dress up to the list.

These are those pants I scored at that show, I bought the shirt from Goodwill the other day.
and for fun.... see i'm straight....

Got both skirts for my Grandmother's funeral years ago... haven't worn them since. I think it's a little fucked up that I felt like I needed to go out and BUY something to wear for her funeral... and all I got was compliments from family members on how nice I looked, mostly from my blithering mother... and not any sorries for my loss. Both of these still ahve the tag attatched.

The blue shirt was bought quickly one Christmas to wear to Brett's Dad's Christmas party... The red belt was bought for a wedding and never worn. I just transformed that Weezer shirt into a tank top. That red sweatshirt was bought at a thrift store somewhere or another... too itchy to wear for longer than a few minutes.

Ideas to pass the time...

Masturbate
Nap, or masturbate then nap
Get stoned
Read, then go to sleep
Write, then nap
Wash things
Clean things
Make love, but that requires more
Blog
Exercise
Download things
Get drunk
Make music
Pray
Create opinions
Rationalize your thoughts
Do homework
Cry
Watch TV



I forgot where I was going with this. Right now I am going to do the first two. The others have been done....

They weren't home all day because he's black

They didn't shake his hand because he's black!!!! I must be able to admit that my parents are white trash racists. THey must be thinking, "If it's not a girl, it's a black guy, if it's not a guy then she must be a lesbian. What did we do wrong to deserve this?"

It's hilarious. Actually, it's pathetic. What a fun weekend, everything seemed to work out nicely... Much alcohol in my system and backed up pipes and vents...

My head hurts though. From the clenching...

I have two or three mountains of dirty clothes collecting in my room. Seven un-shuttable drawers and one un-shuttable closet. All in the name of partying. I seem to forget what it's like to take care of myself... but just for the weekend.


Bobette... was drinking three drinks at a time this night


Night Beats... went swimming my pool all day yesterday.


Sean's neighbor's backyard. Placentia, California

I was on the roof just behind this yard when Bob called me crying over Britt. I called Britt to hear her stupid voice atop her high horse, abusing Bob, using her, and holding a piece of chocolate cake in front of her and taking it away after she hands her the fork. Nice Britt. Grow the fuck up.


Does anybody even care? I bet you get a lot of compliments down there.

"You're never supposed to act on it, no matter how unbearable this misery gets"

This mom in my line today asked her daughter to be quiet, to just "not talk," because not everything she feels needs to be said. It was weird because I wasn't sure if that was right... She said, "Can't you just internalize your thoughts?"

--

Umm... feeling so nostalgic right now. I am speechless, so I should be able to write right now, shouldn't I? Just for the sake of writing. A stream of consciousness.

--

I wonder what I got on my math test.

--

I have pot somewhere.

--

So charming... what a charmer.

--

I need to internalize these thoughts right now. They are right in front of my eyes right now. My ears are filled with noise. I can't believe how many times I've listened to that album. What if I find a book like that some day? Wasn't I supposed to hang out with you tonight?

--

Last night I let go. I felt great though. Dancing around these people I normally see but don't normally dance like that around. These people I see many times a month but have never had a conversation with, maybe a cigarette or a swig of alcohol, but never a meaningful connection, even a mini bond. A sex talk. I've walked in on a few of them pooping or peeing. I've seen blood seep from their mouth or nose but never have we hugged gratefully or something. Our passing is always coincidence, never planned, always a surprise but then it's like normal again.

"Share this feeling that came over me" - The Starting Line

Last night I impressed myself for impressing those around me - only because they told me so. The people I try to be reserved around, my ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriends... Yes two of them. In the same area, under the same roof. They are people though just like me...

"That blond girl is my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Sighh" - me
"What are you trying to say" - Nik
"Umm.. I don't know she's fucking hot..." - me
"Psh, please. You're hot(or something)" - Nik
"Thanks, that's all I wanted" - me
"No problem" - Nik

barf dude... Drunk me is a ridiculous me.


"Hahahahahha look at Tati she's a high hot mess" - Brandon


;/

My sister declawed Tony.

And cut off his balls. Mean, right? He keeps clicking the mouse....

Look at us right now!


I applied to the funeral home on Bastanchury... and bought some shoes off the internet.





I got stoned for the first time in long time yesterday and I just kept assembling snacks for a good three hours... and then I slept for a couple hours, wrote, window shopped online, thought about nothing. It was great. But then after I "came down" I felt manic and got more stoned down the street and ate some for food, ahha. Then I came home and ate more and watched cartoons!!!!!!! It was the most productive thing I've done in a while.

Today I have to work... I can't go to work...


The other day I had o work a five hour shift and I was all pissy about it. Then I got a customer complaint that I had a bad attitude and bagged her shit badly. Which I did... and I did... damnit I got caught! But for the record, she was a bitch to me first, and then I blame my attitude on all the boys (not 'men') at work were pissing me off. Snickering and sneering at me behind my back, throwing disgusting little smiles at each other and then fucking FOOFOO was being nice to me, probably the nicest he's ever been to me ever. So naturally, I asked myself what the FUCK was going on... then he nudged me all chaplike and asked me if I have been talking to Lew, our coworker, a lot lately. I said "every day and every night!" But then when we were talking we talked about Oakland and The Blank Tapes and his "tour" and his new car and his fear of moving to Santa Cruz because "he might not be able to come back" and then I said "So? Why would you want to come back anyway?" and then he said something about having to stay with his mom and his brother is crazy and he doesn't want to do that... anyway, a normal conversation. Probably about our third ever. I meant to ask him why he was acting nice to me and why he asked me that about Lew, but then I had to leave right after I got off and go to class.

It was fucking strange.

Then I went to class and we had our nonfiction drafts to turn in. I traded with a girl who graduated from UCSC with a Literature degree and I asked her why she was taking intro to American Lit and intro to creative writing and she said... "just to take some classes." Uhmmm whateva? She used to live in Vietnam with her father and also Europe. Her five page nonfiction was about three books in one. She had some great potential to describe even further her experience with her fucked up parents who got a divorce, her dad's mail-order bride in Vietnam, her anger in the past, her college days... it jumped around a lot and then all of a sudden she moved to poetry. It was most definitely interesting but hard to read I guess. She liked mine a lot too, I transformed my LA visit into something else. It was funny though since I mentioned mushrooms in the beginning, she thought all this talk about color that I was experiencing mushrooms. Then she said she felt like she was on mushrooms... then I explained myself and right after realized that I didn't need to. I might have struck the other kid in our group awkwardly because he didn't even mark punctuation errors on my paper. Maybe he didn't even read it. He had nothing to say about it.

This girl Nicole, has the same Lit teacher I had a couple semesters ago. The one from San Francisco who gave me a fucking C. We agreed that she was arrogant and a little self centered. I tried talking to this woman about many things and she did not want a thing to do with me. Then whenever I'd see her around campus she'd forcefully give me hellos. One time she was walking with an old professor, one of my favorites, and she stopped their conversation to say hello to me in passing and he just looked at me with out recognizing me and seemed very involved in their conversation. They wanna fuck. They are both married. And both Christians... stupid.

The Jesus Freaks were at school yesterday with their big stupid yellow signs. I told them that they were at the wrong campus FOR ME, anyway... They are probably at the right campus. I am surprised to see how many people actually consider themselves Christians or not necessarily religious, but also NOT agnostic and NOT an atheist. It's so weird to me... 'cause even if you are brainwashed from an early age, doesn't that doubt ever kick in...? We had a free write in class on Wednesday and it was this: "What happens after you die? Describe it."
Mine had something to do with an out of body view and a search for limbs because how can you be seeing with out any eyes? And laughing at your corpse at how silly you really look all the time, and no wonder you couldn't get laid. Also a fading of black into nothingness that isn't easy to describe because it is impossible to fathom it completely in the wake because we are incapable of escaping space and time, those are always there. Then I said you shit twice and it is a smelly affair for those surrounding you, your pores open up, and your butt hole relaxes for the first time EVER and you finally get a real break. You finally get to relax.

Some one else said, "Ok, when you die you have one of two choices. You can either be cremated or buried." Then she explain each process including how they embalm you, if that's the right word. Some one said, "Well, I think that yeah, you go to heaven and it's something like a slot machine that you keep winning." Then my teacher asked why you would need money in paradise, that's why it's paradise. TOUCHE BRO!

There was a lot of talk about Heaven. Someone also brought up purgatory and then we spent fifteen minutes explaining what it was... WHY!? Really people are religious like that? THey believe in.. HEAVEN?

Is there such thing as nonfiction science fiction...?

No, right?

--

The glass is half empty because it was once full and will be filled again. If the glass is half full, it is not automatically more optimistic nor is it pessimistic to think it empty. If the glass is constantly half full, then that means that it is constantly being filled and filled. A half empty glass will eventually become empty that is, faster than a glass that has just been filled. So with a half full glass you have constant absorption and no manifestation. No trial and error or any kind of illustration going on. No attempts at success or failure. No sitting there and relaxing. No reflection. The glass is half empty because it was already empty to begin with, it was filled with stuff before and it has been emptied since then. A half empty glass is a symbol of experience and not tenacity. It's a sign of courage. A glass that is half full has a higher survival rate than a half empty glass because it has a more pure atmosphere whereas a half empty glass is likely to contain higher percentages of backwash or sediment. A half full glass has evenly distributed molecules and more consistency; and a half empty glass may have sat there for a long time, allowing separation to occur.

Everything is made clearer. But it doesn't make sense to say that a half full glass has more area for gray matter as in, an indistinguishable blur about life. An experience of a half empty glass, or person who has experienced the death of a loved one perhaps, has a placid nature about its liquid contents. It is possible that the half empty glass has been humanly fucked over and heart broken. It has sat there and fermented further. The half empty glass has more verisimilitude. The glass that is half full is an emotional cliche and ideal. We are all more half empty than we are half full anyway.

go ahead and try to figure out what my future looks like

I just finished my draft.

I got too drunk for a Tuesday night. We went and saw a show and then to a bar and I got two double bloodys and then weed that night. Then passed out on the couch and made sure to take my shoes off. THen I drove home at 5 in the morning. Here I am. Work at one. Class at seven. I made it, apparently.


Egg beaters are gross kind of.


Find quiet. It's awful quiet.