I'm trying so hard to not act like it didn't happen, but that's hard and that's what pisses me off. I'm sorry but that apology was incredibly insincere and what am I supposed to think now? Why do they always forget that they are the parents and they should be taking care of this sort of business? I'm not the one that is in charge of this... but I soon will be. I'm planning on moving out to Fullerton or Placentia with Vanessa and one of her friends. I don't even care anymore. It may sound bad but I think I may be stuck here - I need to finish this, and I can't just leave now, I've only arrived. I need to prove something not only to them but to myself, I need to prove a lot. Ugh this repetition right now...
Can't believe it, really. Don't want to believe it. This way I'll be close enough as well as far enough. It's going to be hard, but harder than SF? Cheaper rent and higher pay and I still can't manage to fathom it all... a dog now. That's let's say, about $20 a month. Also car payments, perhaps $100 a month. Plus rent, I'm hoping for $450 at the most. And finally food and... recreation if it's possible, $50 a month. So that's going to be $620 a month, of course I could do it! I'll be stressed, but differently than before. Perhaps I will sell weed or what have you, that might help.
There are so many aching possibilities.
But I have to choose the one that will make me happy. I can work through this if I am close by, they can come to me as they please and I to them. Plus, it always seems better when I'm around when I want to be anyway. If I am away all the time then I would want to see them. I'll be close enough, so close in fact. It might work out well. I'll be with other people my age and maybe who will understand me or something. I'll never be understood, especially by them. Which is why I should stop trying this way. This was a horrible decision, I admit.
Just come over if you want.
All these expectations and disappointments. Nothing to fulfill besides my pessimism. But don't use that word pertaining to anyone else because that automatically shows that your way is "better" than theirs, and that just simply is not true. I feel refreshed and changed daily. I feel so alive and raw, but not necessarily in a happy way, just in a growing way which can later be a happy thing. But right now, it's lingering, and annoying, and stressful, and agonizing, and confusing. But doable. It is possible. And plausible of course!
WHY!? Oh the humanity.
I'm just being a good girl and doing what I' supposed to be doing, not what I want to be doing which is finding love amidst the chaos. It's weird how chaos is a beautiful thing and love is such an ugly thing. Love is evil! Chaos is real, and real things are our common sense. The external objects are granted to us, and we use them all the time with out second thought. Even this little over priced toy of a tool or reliable source of information about things, an organizing instrument is but a toy that I use to distract myself from the real reality. The troubles and the problems. The failed attempts at keeping blood kin close, when these people do not know me and never will, fully. I guess just the same as I'd never know them. But I'm not even there for them and they aren't here for me. By word of mouth we are... but who ever believes in that "he said she said" shit. Well I guess I do, or so says Berkeley, Decartes, Aristotle, mo fuggin' Hobbes/Hume (I hate how my text uses the slash. Blasphemy!).
I'll have a degree in "he said she said" bullshit. I'll have a degree in the shit that no one cares about -- what an honor! They'll come talking to me and stop listening 'cause they only care about the "he said she said" tabloid news, pop culture and Lady GaGa. But she's cool whatever. Oh no, that actor died form that thing, oh no Britney Spears relapsed. Are those people really real anyway? What if she got paid to shave her head and fool us all into thinking she's a drug addict, when really all she is is a robot, a fuck machine (Bukowski). I'll believe it when I see it, ok?
This entry reminds me of my Philosophy test answers. Ya know what I mean? LIke, yeah.....
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