:(

I hate everything and everyone right now.

I hate him. I fucking want to punch him in the face.

For something I felt semi trapped, obligated about, I felt motivated and interested to try simultaneously. The second I hung up the phone I shed a tear. Not many though.

I'm sad right now.
"This is not what I wanted,"

I don't even know what to think now. I can't say that I'm surprised. I need fucking therapy or something. I want him now more than ever - the second he's out of my reach.

I told him I can't give him what he wants, whatever it may be. He said he felt like it would be easy to start saying "I love you." I couldn't find the voice to say the many times I've held that same phrase behind my lips.

I am quite possibly numb. The thought of numbing the numbness makes me nauseous. I can bet that he turned this all around - manipulated me into spilling the beans just so he wouldn't have to and he just "gets his heart broken but that's okay."
Fuck him.

So here we are, back as friends with benefits, like it's always been. The second we start having sex he'll break my heart. All I want to to is beg right now. Like a fucking dog on the street. All I want to do is pry for the excuses as to why we should be together... I can see myself telling him what he wants to hear so I can break his heart. Right now, even though he says he's sad, I bet you he's really not - and that's what pokes me. I can't believe him. All I want to do is break down and cry and then fuck him. EEEEEW what the fuck is going on inside my head.

I feel so blatantly helpless right now. I was excited for it to happen.


Though I felt different when he was up here. My mom called me this morning and asked me (I just got the greatest urge to read my horroscope) about him. I told her everything and she said to go with my gut feeling which was and is that we probably won't work out 'cause we're so different and I can't muster up the whatever-you-need-to-be-serious-in-a-relationship shit. I don't even know where to begin to look for that. I am so sad right now though because I really do love and care about him... I've wanted this so badly forever. Now that I had it, it slipped through my fingers like sand. Like the hot sand at the beach this summer that we'll never lay next to each other in, that we'll never fuck in, that we'll never share...
But I can't say I'm not surprised. I can't help but think that he bought a plane ticket to SF to fuck me and he was planning on this the whole time.

I can't help but think that I knew this would happen this very way, and my "love" for him is no more than continuous lust in the back of my brain when it's at rest. I can prove to you that that is wrong because I had him and now my brain is still pondering him and it's moving a mile a minute.
My eyes are droppy and sad and tired and dry for tears.

There might not be much that can cheer me up.

Except Julie is coming to the city tomorrow. How stoked am I right now about that. I can't wait to tell her about him. I can't wait to hate him fully again. EW. I can't believe I'm heart broken right now. I hate him and I'm keeping his fucking record player. He told me he wanted to be good to me... but this just isn't what he wanted. He told me so much. I wanted to believe - I did believe. God I'm so sad right now.












I don't even know what to say. I feel like everything I was looking forward to went out the window. What window? The metaphorical window. I feel ridiculous right now. EW. I feel so lame. I feel used to the very last strand. He's kept me in arms reach forever. He knew this would happen. I fucking can't wait to punch him in the face.

Anger. Sadness. Expectations to dissappointment.

I want to paint him a picture and buy him shit. With all of these toxic hunches I still want to be with him. Self destruct mode. Victimization. WHYY OH THE HUMANITY!

I hate everything and everyone right now.