Leaving by Wednesday....

I don't know what to write. I feel like I've grown a bit, just a bit...

Their time here was short, no more than an hour and no eating time together, so I had them buy me groceries :)

I am happier than ever to return home, it's going to be so nice to chill and hang out with people and not stress out about anything. I bet you my wrink. <
"Let's go to the Mushroom Mardi Gras"
sounds good to me.

Life in OC will be quite different than life in SF, but the same life with the same choices and battles nonetheless.

He called me last night at 2am (Hahahahahahhahaha) and I answered thinking the screen said "Jen" instead of "Joe" otherwise of course I would not have answered it... So I did.... unexpectedly and ruined my sleep because of it. I frowned in the darkness and threw the phone at his face while I turned over to continue my dreams with out him. He was drunk of course, why else would you be awake and that happy at 2am? What could he possibly have hoped for when he decided to call me? The call dropped in the middle of my explanation as to why I wasn't going to talk to him, and wow, what a trooper, he called me back with in seconds and I said, "I'll talk to you another time my parents are coming in four hours." He sighed an annoyed sigh and said "Alright." When will this end? Maybe it would end sooner if I didn't fucking answer. Hearing his voice was the last thing I wanted to hear.

The more I hear myself talk about it the more I roll my own eyes at this. I would laugh at someone else telling me this same story. Dude's a douche bag, drop 'im. Dude's a free loader, a game player, insecure... obviously. Drop 'im, there's more and whose in a rush anyway? He is. Not I. No, no, not I.


Nothing left to say besides I have lots of new good music to listen to in my car. I have a long drive to look forward to, and sunny hot beaches, waves crashin, winking lifeguards, laughing friends, purring kitties, and exploration of the familiar....

Too much credit.

I wrote him a letter that I could send or read to him before he gets the chance to change the story and make it my fault. It ended with "Let's not be friends, let's not be lovers, let's not be anything."

I don't want him. I can't trust him. I don't want to put up with his shenanigans.

Getcho self a wife
Getcho self a job
Don't you be a slob
=w=

Sooooo childishhhh

Too much credit.

This song describes....

"Cuddle Fuddle" - Passion Pit


I filled the bucket
I spilled the bucket
Out on the floor
A mistake for sure
Consequences
Turned me hostile
I got so tied in
Made me docile
Then you applauded
When I was loving
Made me feel weak and
I start recovering
Now I feel silly
Selfish and dizzy
Now I got this feeling
That you'll forgive me


--

Oh there was the night we
Kissed in the moonlight
It was romantic
But didn't feel so right
Cause something was lost then
Today its replenished
But it was you who cleaned up my messes

And oh,
Oh my god just please don't ever let me go
Yeah sometimes we're high and sometimes we're low
Put up with me then I'll make you see
That things are better when you're with me

Let down your hair
Rapunzel Rapunzel
Let down your hair


Oh

And oh,
My god just please don't ever let me go
Yeah sometimes we're high and sometimes we're low
That's just the way that things turn out
Whenever I'm lonely I'll shout out

Let down your hair
Rapunzel Rapunzel
Let down your hair


Oh but I don't wanna know
Where you go
And I don't want to see
That you're coming along with me
And I don't wanna go
Wherever you go
I want the two of us to be
Just where we know

I don't want to know
Everything you know
And I don't wanna see
Everything you see
And I don't wanna go
Oh wherever you go
Oh no

:(

I hate everything and everyone right now.

I hate him. I fucking want to punch him in the face.

For something I felt semi trapped, obligated about, I felt motivated and interested to try simultaneously. The second I hung up the phone I shed a tear. Not many though.

I'm sad right now.
"This is not what I wanted,"

I don't even know what to think now. I can't say that I'm surprised. I need fucking therapy or something. I want him now more than ever - the second he's out of my reach.

I told him I can't give him what he wants, whatever it may be. He said he felt like it would be easy to start saying "I love you." I couldn't find the voice to say the many times I've held that same phrase behind my lips.

I am quite possibly numb. The thought of numbing the numbness makes me nauseous. I can bet that he turned this all around - manipulated me into spilling the beans just so he wouldn't have to and he just "gets his heart broken but that's okay."
Fuck him.

So here we are, back as friends with benefits, like it's always been. The second we start having sex he'll break my heart. All I want to to is beg right now. Like a fucking dog on the street. All I want to do is pry for the excuses as to why we should be together... I can see myself telling him what he wants to hear so I can break his heart. Right now, even though he says he's sad, I bet you he's really not - and that's what pokes me. I can't believe him. All I want to do is break down and cry and then fuck him. EEEEEW what the fuck is going on inside my head.

I feel so blatantly helpless right now. I was excited for it to happen.


Though I felt different when he was up here. My mom called me this morning and asked me (I just got the greatest urge to read my horroscope) about him. I told her everything and she said to go with my gut feeling which was and is that we probably won't work out 'cause we're so different and I can't muster up the whatever-you-need-to-be-serious-in-a-relationship shit. I don't even know where to begin to look for that. I am so sad right now though because I really do love and care about him... I've wanted this so badly forever. Now that I had it, it slipped through my fingers like sand. Like the hot sand at the beach this summer that we'll never lay next to each other in, that we'll never fuck in, that we'll never share...
But I can't say I'm not surprised. I can't help but think that he bought a plane ticket to SF to fuck me and he was planning on this the whole time.

I can't help but think that I knew this would happen this very way, and my "love" for him is no more than continuous lust in the back of my brain when it's at rest. I can prove to you that that is wrong because I had him and now my brain is still pondering him and it's moving a mile a minute.
My eyes are droppy and sad and tired and dry for tears.

There might not be much that can cheer me up.

Except Julie is coming to the city tomorrow. How stoked am I right now about that. I can't wait to tell her about him. I can't wait to hate him fully again. EW. I can't believe I'm heart broken right now. I hate him and I'm keeping his fucking record player. He told me he wanted to be good to me... but this just isn't what he wanted. He told me so much. I wanted to believe - I did believe. God I'm so sad right now.












I don't even know what to say. I feel like everything I was looking forward to went out the window. What window? The metaphorical window. I feel ridiculous right now. EW. I feel so lame. I feel used to the very last strand. He's kept me in arms reach forever. He knew this would happen. I fucking can't wait to punch him in the face.

Anger. Sadness. Expectations to dissappointment.

I want to paint him a picture and buy him shit. With all of these toxic hunches I still want to be with him. Self destruct mode. Victimization. WHYY OH THE HUMANITY!

I hate everything and everyone right now.

Movie makers and boobie shakers

Right now I'm listening to records in an empty apartment. I remember when I would kill for moments like these, moments of solitude and silence... and whenever it comes my first reaction is to call someone to come over. I have homework to do but I also have things to dodge.

Teachers, learners, incense burners...

I spent a couple hours at City Lights today. It was cool. I was caught up in some philosophy books. One was about the connection of philosophy and sex, how they are both obsessions and yet are kept separate. There was only one philosopher to connect them, and it was about that.. it seemed really cool, I wish I could have bought it. There was another one separating beauty from the sublime, very interesting. I also read some Bukowski. I also read some queer studies... The Lesbian Path, Men and Feminism... the girlie behind the counter was quite cute. I think I might be a lover of all peoples. I was looking at this one book with a picture of the trans from Le Tigre (forget their name) and then I started thinking about a woman's soft touch with a scruffy beard... I love that feeling during kissing of a scruffy beard... but I also love the softness... combined. !
= JD Samson... hot




I miss him, I wish I was coming home to him tonight...



I should probably do some stuff.

I should probably smoke this weed.

I wish I had some wine and time.

I might call Kelly.... I might call... no one?
I might just pass out.

Listening to bluesy Leon Russel... oh yeah baby.

Brain Dead

I haven't updated this in a while. Mostly because I see and talk to the people who read it daily ;)

Joe is actually coming tonight, my bad... I work an eight hour shift tomorrow and I don't think I have the courage to call in sick for the third weekend in a row. God damnit!

I am nervous... He wants a relationship but who knows what I want. Honestly, I don't think I am at the most stable part of my life for a serious relationship... That's not my fault, right?

I don't even know why I came to my first class today. I sat there for an hour and a half erasing everything I drew, fucking up the canvas and leaving with nothing. I have to design my perfect paradise and/or a political statement. I tried enlarged flowers with silhouettes of women, zombies ate my neighbors character, lemming floating by an umbrella, LIFE car filled with pons, wind-up woman from the '60s with go-go boots, t.v. head people, pathetic pathology atsrology. It looks like I need some inspiration. Maybe after this weekend I will be inspired. I'll have to buy a brand new canvas and sit down, smoke a bowl, and try again. I don't want to draw a beach with palm trees and I don't want to draw a landscape. At the same time I don't want to draw another fading color background with transparent face and little children and text... though that's where I was going with the enlarged flowers and silhouettes of women. It could work... the Aries in me thinks that I will go with my first idea solely 'cause it was the first, and how could I leave that behind?
Or maybe I just pulled that out of my ass.

Astrology is cool because you can see the animal in the person. I can totally see myself with huge antlers hehe. And Jen as a lion!? Come on. Vicki as a fish, Bailey as a scorpion... I can see it! Joe as a goat-man with a bow and arrow!

Maybe I can do a self portrait of me with antlers..? That could be cool. Ew, so I am my own paradise and/or political statement? Gag.

I am going to leave after I turn in my anthro project and sign in. That way I can clean the apartment and go buy a canvas? With what car? Ew! I am so flustered right now!

Got my period bright and early. I knew it was going to happen, haha.

Now I have to email a friend from class 'cause I'm using him for my interview 'cause Jacob blew me off. BLAH.

brain dead and surface scraping.....