Bed time

It's cloudy and I can't help it. I remember the days in SF where I couldn't emotionally afford to work on a sunny day. I'd just call in sick: bad sushi, bad womanly problems, vomiting, foot pain, parents in town. But not nearly as much as Karina called in sick :)

I've been feeling rather reckless lately, like I'm missing something in my life. I miss connections. I think that this whole thing with my co-worker was a failed attempt on my part to make a new friend. I should have listened to my gut and maybe the red flags that pretty much told me everything that I now know for sure-- but can you really blame curiosity? How can I just KNOW with out really experiencing this person. I regrettably got my expectations met.

Jen and Vanessa and Bailey had a lot of good things to tell me. That I shouldn't feel bad, or, DEFINITELY shouldn't feel bad. That I can't just be that person for him (enabler, channel for emotional lash outs...), all he was doing was fishing for compliments... what a jerk. He said it himself. Oh well, NEXT.

I find myself thinking of him when I apologize for myself. No more of that either...

Sometimes when I feel anxiety I can decrease it or make it much worse. When I talk about it it makes it easier, but is that bringing people down with me? Sucking them in? Holding them hostage? Why can't I just deal with things normally and not worry so much about shit. I just felt like I was somewhere else, in another city or state, and I look up and I'm in my room. With the same lamps and chests and stupid paintings and messy shit. Dirty clothes and what not...

On pacing:
I can see all of my little hairs shooting out of my head, spaciously and thinning.
My heart beats for paranoia of high cholestorol - I was supposed to call hours ago.
I can feel the hinges of my eye lids sticking and jamming, one eye rolls back and the other stays closed, unable to focus on one thing. The lashes, separated by goo and other substances. But all that could be an illusion, if he is right.

Remember that feeling you got when you very first thought about experience, about death maybe. WHen you were a child and someone died, the very thought of experiencing death, of experiencing anything, college, Europe, drugs, jobs, money, marriage, pregnancy... when you were told that this relative did that and this and that someday, when you get older you will be able to experience that on top of anything else you want to do. That sensation was both happy and sad, kind of that you have no choice but to experience good things and bad things. Maybe people drink themselves silly every night not to deal with these things like emotions. The emotion of going to Europe and coming back is intense, happy and sad at the same time. Of course, not everything in life is always happy - but it can be when you're drunk. But think about it, your penis isn't as happy when you're drunk....

I forgot where I was going with this. It had something to do with multiple allusions from anyone or thing... Shakespeare to television.... makes people live unique lives and experiencing anything and everything slightly different than the next person because words, images affect it. So tiny words really do matter on a small scale, it can shift the rest of your life. Just like if that car didn't stop at that red light the huge truck would've hit your car instead.

Writing and talking in fragments is probably not good for the brain in the long run. I am conditioning myself to be mediocre. I might be ok with that. But when I sit there and think about it long and hard I can't help but let the tears fall....

--

Seeing him was amazing. It wasn't long enough. All I want is more and more and more and more... He's all I can think about at the moment cause I know he'd dig this band. His voice is captivating. I've been slightly miserable ever since we dated. I can't even remember or believe that it happened. He's so beautiful and smart. He was exactly who I hoped he would be towards me last night, and not the guy I'd see at parties with his new girlfriends and then there's me... in the corner with the cloud of smoke. I keep trying to think if I am attracted to him. BUT WHAT IF I'M GAY?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!??!? There was so much more to tell him. I think I may have gotten a little over excited. A little too stoned. But I can't wait to see him again because he is my first love, and nothing, ever, will ever fucking top that shit. I will always love him and have a place for him in my heart. Just like you

There we go. Rollin down cheeks like snow covered mountain peaks....

He's taught me so much. He taught me to smile and laugh.