Is it too late to talk about it?

I'm trying so hard to not act like it didn't happen, but that's hard and that's what pisses me off. I'm sorry but that apology was incredibly insincere and what am I supposed to think now? Why do they always forget that they are the parents and they should be taking care of this sort of business? I'm not the one that is in charge of this... but I soon will be. I'm planning on moving out to Fullerton or Placentia with Vanessa and one of her friends. I don't even care anymore. It may sound bad but I think I may be stuck here - I need to finish this, and I can't just leave now, I've only arrived. I need to prove something not only to them but to myself, I need to prove a lot. Ugh this repetition right now...

Can't believe it, really. Don't want to believe it. This way I'll be close enough as well as far enough. It's going to be hard, but harder than SF? Cheaper rent and higher pay and I still can't manage to fathom it all... a dog now. That's let's say, about $20 a month. Also car payments, perhaps $100 a month. Plus rent, I'm hoping for $450 at the most. And finally food and... recreation if it's possible, $50 a month. So that's going to be $620 a month, of course I could do it! I'll be stressed, but differently than before. Perhaps I will sell weed or what have you, that might help.

There are so many aching possibilities.

But I have to choose the one that will make me happy. I can work through this if I am close by, they can come to me as they please and I to them. Plus, it always seems better when I'm around when I want to be anyway. If I am away all the time then I would want to see them. I'll be close enough, so close in fact. It might work out well. I'll be with other people my age and maybe who will understand me or something. I'll never be understood, especially by them. Which is why I should stop trying this way. This was a horrible decision, I admit.

Just come over if you want.

All these expectations and disappointments. Nothing to fulfill besides my pessimism. But don't use that word pertaining to anyone else because that automatically shows that your way is "better" than theirs, and that just simply is not true. I feel refreshed and changed daily. I feel so alive and raw, but not necessarily in a happy way, just in a growing way which can later be a happy thing. But right now, it's lingering, and annoying, and stressful, and agonizing, and confusing. But doable. It is possible. And plausible of course!


WHY!? Oh the humanity.
I'm just being a good girl and doing what I' supposed to be doing, not what I want to be doing which is finding love amidst the chaos. It's weird how chaos is a beautiful thing and love is such an ugly thing. Love is evil! Chaos is real, and real things are our common sense. The external objects are granted to us, and we use them all the time with out second thought. Even this little over priced toy of a tool or reliable source of information about things, an organizing instrument is but a toy that I use to distract myself from the real reality. The troubles and the problems. The failed attempts at keeping blood kin close, when these people do not know me and never will, fully. I guess just the same as I'd never know them. But I'm not even there for them and they aren't here for me. By word of mouth we are... but who ever believes in that "he said she said" shit. Well I guess I do, or so says Berkeley, Decartes, Aristotle, mo fuggin' Hobbes/Hume (I hate how my text uses the slash. Blasphemy!).

I'll have a degree in "he said she said" bullshit. I'll have a degree in the shit that no one cares about -- what an honor! They'll come talking to me and stop listening 'cause they only care about the "he said she said" tabloid news, pop culture and Lady GaGa. But she's cool whatever. Oh no, that actor died form that thing, oh no Britney Spears relapsed. Are those people really real anyway? What if she got paid to shave her head and fool us all into thinking she's a drug addict, when really all she is is a robot, a fuck machine (Bukowski). I'll believe it when I see it, ok?

This entry reminds me of my Philosophy test answers. Ya know what I mean? LIke, yeah.....

I know you're takin' time... but maybe it's just too late.

Is that possible? Is there a time for everything? My imagination comes up with some pretty amazing things, and I guess it's up to me to actualize them... it's not that hard right? Just be open about shit, and honest, and what else can be done? It's the easiest and only way... Well, maybe not the easiest but I'm not one for mixed signals or manipulation or any of that shit... I can't "drop clues" or what have you. I can just say "I like you," or "Wanna do it?" or "Wanna hold hands?" I can't be that graceful in this sort of setting or state. So yeah, I think I may like someone or have a crush on them, but they are younger than me but not by much, much less experienced (in many ways, bade on my observations and past knowledge), and I can't tell if they are into me or not. I am highly intimidated by rejection from this person which makes me say, let's just stay friends... but that may be even harder if I feel this way. I'll just have to wait till the time is right, I guess I'll know it when it happens. Watch, when the time is "right" I'll make it wrong in every way...

Then there are people in my imagination that I picture myself being in love with, people I have met like once before, whatever. It's so nice. But the more I think about what goes into being in love, I exhaust myself. Everything and nothing at the same time goes into it. And with this person it seems easy to be around them, not having to censor much, and yet I can feel a disconnection when there is one. When it suddenly becomes a little challenging I become slightly discouraged and sad. Yet I think about them in a subtle way, just in a, let's hang out way...

But I did feel a little crazy yesterday. I was anxiety-ridden. My joints hurt when I smoke too many cigarettes.

I'm getting a new car, may drive it to SF from Portland, OR. And then home from SF. I took my entire spring break off work.
I thought yesterday was Thursday.
I thought today was Saturday.
I have homework to do when I get home from work today, but I also have pot to smoke.

I'll come find you.

Let's start with a quote shall, we? Hey my name is tatiana

"Two things fill the mind with new and increasing admiration and awe... the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me." - Immanuel Kant
I think it's weird that he referred to "the mind" and himself?

Which makes me think of... "Did you ever realize why there are no stars in the sky? Because they're on the ground, the air is brown." - Tsunami Bomb


This reading is harder than the others. So I decided to wait until the last two hours before class to read it.
tehheheheh

I am high. I've been smoking with someone lately who doesn't really smoke weed, and he can't get high apparently, or didn't tonight. My tummy hurts.

I feel a little crude lately. Uh oh!

=___=
sotner eyes?

=___-
drunk eyes?


I'm high.

Tomrrow I have schoool !!!! uGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why does everything have to cost money?
freeloader: A worthless, lazy, opportunist bumb who takes advantage of people and thinks they should get everything on a silver platter without earning it. If he has a girlfriend, he probably sits at home all day without a job and mooches money and things off her with the excuse, “I’ll pay you back later, baby, when things improve.” She keeps giving him more money because she is nieve, has low self-esteem and too spineless to stand up to him and kick him out. On the other hand, if the freeloader is a female she is probably a spoiled, stuck-up b***h who lives at home and gets money from mommy and daddy while sitting on the can all day eating Bon Bons and watching soaps.

Being a freeloader is learned behavior because people keep giving them things without saying no. "

Thanks, UrbanDictionary.

I can't even begin to think....

(_8(I) <(^^<) <(^^)> (>^^)> <( )> (I)_8) hhhhHhaha (I)8-) lol!

i mean

(I)8_)
wow